I am at the intersection of "Fuck it All" and "Think This Thing Through"...
Oh btw.. this blog is about career and professional goals... (if you don't want to read any further).
I do not dislike my job. But it has run its course and served its purpose. I've been serving in an administrative capacity in High Ed for close to 15 years now. It was my first job out of graduate school. And while it wasn't my dream job of junior editor at Random House, it was a job that allowed a steady paycheck, benefits, and had the familiarity of school. If there is one thing i know, it is that I know University and how it works. And I am good at it. I've had promotion after promotion, title changes and bigger offices. But I've grown tired.
The truth is.. I am not living my purpose. And I know my purpose is to write. I am almost 40.. so I keep wondering if it is too late.. but then I remember JK Rowling was 40.. Vera Wang was 40...Stan Lee...Samuel L. Jackson... all 40 before they had success. And I am comforted in knowing I still have time. So I press on. I am writing my novel now. It was able to flow so easily the first few days.. then I remembered.... I gotta write this proposal. And I put it on the back burner.
And that's the thing. I can write what I am passionate about. I have lost all passion to get this PhD. But to write professionally.. I want to do that. All day. Everyday. I'm looking at conferences to perfect my craft. Looking at tools to make the task of writing easier. I've carved out time to write each day (not much but it's time). I'm learning how to write a query letter... etc. I want to attract a great agent. I can actually put this Publishing and Editing degree to use. I want to be able to sit on a panel at Comic-Con and talk about my book.
I told my husband maybe I could work part-time and he got nervous. I know it isn't responsible or possible right now but I feel like not only is my passion suffering but my time with my daughter is too. She's getting big. And she'll be in daycare soon. I feel like I am missing my days with her. Time is just passing by.... But if I was home with part time help... working part time.. I could get a lot more done.
Then I think about the degree. I think about all the time and money and loans... I think about all the drama I had to pass my comps while I was pregnant and sick as a dog. All of the things I endured during this degree.. and how I have NEVER quit a degree program ever. Having a PhD was on my bucket list of things.. and it could (very slightly) ensure me greater earning potential....
So this is where I am. DO I say "fuck this degree"? OR do I press on? Do I try and do both like I am truly Wonder Woman?
This is where I am. The intersection of my life. The signal has turned green and I am still stuck.