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Up in Smoke

It is half-way through October. The landscape is changing. Fall is right around the corner. And I haven't done half the things I said I wanted to do over the summer.

I had these grand plans of writing weekly. And here we are... my fist post since September.

I should be ashamed of myself. I really should..

Life is passing my by. My grand ideas are just still ideas. Everything I wanted to do, I've only made baby steps toward. Because life and the responsibilities of "adulting" are getting in the way.

I have one of those fancy Happy Planners. I am addicted to it. But truth be told, it is way more cathartic for me to just design my weekly spreads than it is to actually put something down in writing. I wanted to write something everyday. But waking up at 5:00 am.. and not getting home until 6 pm everyday takes a toll. Not to mention, having a rambunctious 20 month old. I just want to talk to her. Play with her. Instead, we get into our routine of dinner.. bath.. and fighting bed time until she eventually passes out between my husband and me.

Then.. there is my husband and me.....

There is very little time for us. Between his work and other extra obligations, we just do not have time for each other. We are playing catch up on the DVR or he's working and trying to spend quality time at the same time. Which isn't quality time at all. Which has left me with no time to do what I want to do. Who is going to watch the baby? There is no way I can get 1 page of writing in let alone an entire draft of something.

I had all these grand dreams this summer. The organizing I would do. The things I would make. The loads that would be lifted. Nothing has really changed. I feel like it just all went up in smoke.

I feel like I need a manager for my life. A person who can be my personal assistant/driver/organizer/chef/maid. I barely remember to sweep up the corn chips my kid ceremoniously flung out of her hands. Laundry stays unfolded for days.I barely remember to brush my eyebrows... and the day starts all over again.

My grand ideas

 My grand ideas about writing and going to conferences. My grand ideas of a fully, Pinterest-envy worthy home. My grand ideas of projects to do with my kid. My grand ideas of elaborate self-care rituals and being a size 8......They are still grand ideas.

I am hoping I can relax the closer it gets to January.. but the holiday season will mean endless baking, endless crafting, and trying to get my house to look like the holidays for a more -alert toddler. Her first Xmas, she couldn't even walk. Now she is walking AND talking, already practicing her carols.

I shouln't make promises I can't keep, truly.

The weather is getting colder. I am getting tired. Season Affect is creeping in.. and I'd much rather cozy up to my afghan and a cup of cocoa or a bowl of stew... and watch Netflix than to do things I had on my ever, growing list of grand ideas. But then I realize.. if I want to achieve these goals.. I have to push through. Push. Through.

Until then, I'll keep making plans.....and just seeing what happens next.


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