October 21, 2010

Sometimes You Sound Better Naked

a.k.a. “A Tale of  ( and Letter to) Two Talkers”

 The Dingbat Slugger

Men, too, can have a case of the “ditzy blonde”.  They talk in circles about pretty much nothing.. If you try and talk about current events, they give you the blank face. And sometimes…we need an exposed penis to be distracted from your lazy, boring , uneventful everyday convo.  That dizty, dingbat is YOU good sir.

Sometimes I just wanna duck tape you, dude and have you just do the mechanics- naked, wanting, and with a big, thick Louisville Slugger staff. In any other situation, you’d bore me otherwise.  On dates you just sit there stuffing your face or talking about YOURSELF, cutting me off and talking in circles. And if your joint wasn’t so banging, I would have gotten rid of you a long time ago. So for our sake and the sake of orgasms, just STFU.

Furthermore, you notice that I don’t call you until I want some(thing). I used to get mad that all you wanted to do was text but now I realize you don’t have shit pertinent to contribute to a real life conversation…so perhaps it’s for the best...because now even your text messages are turrible *Charles Barkley voice*. One word sentences?? Yawn Disjointed topics? Boooooo!

Even your sex talk is boring..I literally wanna put a sock in yo grill..let ME do the talking. If you didn’t have so much girth and could rupture my spleen, we’d been trough long ago! You just sit there…on the sofa..tapping your leg and nodding. What are you? A deaf mute?  Feels like I’m having a conversation with John Coffy without the magical qualities. Smh

Trust me..my vagina appreciate it but my mentals which deserve to be stimulated are turning into Tapioca pudding. I ask you “So is there anything you wanna say? What’s going on..”

And you shake your head like a 2 year old...or just shrug...or say one word or two. A sentence usually has a subject and a predicate.

Maybe you are playing me and don’t wanna talk to me. That’s fine as long as we’re  agreeing not to hear your vocals at any point during our interactions.

The Standup Comedian

Then you got the opposite of John Coffy (see above) and a dude who talks rapidly like a bad Robin Williams standup! Hey Kat Williams…STFU!!! 

You are up here talking all that sh*t and your wang looks like a downward pointing small arrow.  Where is that thing point? Just hush your mouth and put your jaws to work. I am not doing call and response with you. I didn’t want to have a lengthy convo before, during, or after.   Your job is to do the job..and occasionally moan and say very little. NOT to do a Congressional style filibuster.....BUSTER!Seriously…bust a nut then bust a move, keep it moving,  and be out like Gays in San Fran! 

Honestly..the best sound either of you can make is dropping trough and just…being quiet.


  1. lol, these two sound like characters.

  2. Hilarious. I laughed from beginning to end. I've read some funny stuff on your blog but this ish here might be THE funniest of all.

    So for our sake and the sake of orgasms, just STFU.

    I mean, it doesn't get any point blank that that, does it?

    I'm mad at the fact that you have your sexual needs broken down to a science. As men, we really have to step it up concerning our sistas, don't we?



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