April 2, 2012

So Shall It End...

So I made a conscious decision, sometime last year to have 1 year of celibacy until my birthday.

Needless to say...that period is over. And I ended it. 
(Yes...with sex).

It was beautiful. Amazingly sensual. Connected in a way I hadn't experience in a very long time....And it was worth waiting for. The person respected my body and my needs. I didn't feel used .I didn't feel coerced or harassed. I didn't feel like I lost myself. If anything, I felt powerful that I had will power this long and did NOT give my cookies away to the first joker who batted his big brown eyes at me and flashed a cunning smile. I didn't feel once ounce of guilt or remorse. This isn't to say that I had this transcendental experience while making love. It was just..........nice for a change.


Yep...I waited a year. And I am better for it.

Although some will judge and go, "Well..why not wait until your husband comes....".  Uh...while I want to get married...that may be 6 months to 6 years from now. I do not know when/if that will happen. (Actually....you know what..nevermind...I'm not trying to scare you all. LOL)... I am a sexual creature and if I want to, I will. I feel that way about anything in my life...if I want it...I'll have it. One way or the other. It was my choice to begin it. And it was my choice to end it.

I grew tired of celibacy. Not because I met someone.....not even because I fell in love (I hadn't BTW...) or because I was bored. Honestly..it was about 8 months into it..and I realized..."Hmm..I don't know how I can go on longer than a year". I realized I was HUMAN.  But the year has been productive. I cleared my head. I refocused my energies. I got a LOT accomplished without that distraction. I prioritized my sexuality, carefully guarding it from hooligans and mistreatment. And when I was ready...I was mature and focused. I saw it for what it was......and that made me feel so much better.

Sex is beautiful. It's fun when you are SAFE and that includes not only wrapping your privates but wrapping your heart.  It is great when a person isn't using you or disrespecting you. It's great when you do your research....and celibacy was part of the research.

Now...I am not about to go on some "penis parade" after this. Furthermore,  I'm not even about to fill you in on all the sexual acrobatics and details....(*fans self*)...or my sex life in general.. No way...if anything celibacy has taught me that selection is key. Not that I was OUT THERE...but really selecting people based on the inner workings of their soul is MUCH better than physical attractiveness, or sexual energies, or overall erotic slants. The selection process for me was about who I could share my gift with that a) would respect me in the morning and b) feel special that I chose them to end this period with. I didn't want my nerves to get the best of me. And it didn't. (Not to mention..I realized I hadn't lost my *cough* touch.............LMAO!)

I think it worked out alright...

Would I be celibate again? Sure. Would I WANT TO BE? no. I'd be celibate if there is no opportunity to share myself with someone worthy. And my criteria for worthiness has most certainly increased in length. It has nothing to do with the outer, and everything to do with the inner self.

It wasn't some grand experiment or anything. I actually healed my heart by removing that sexual distraction. It was a spiritual fast that really did some good. I am so glad I did it...

I am better for it. And I think my true beauty is showing....:)

And maybe the "XY"s see that too...

3 comments:

  1. First of all, lol @ that graphic illustration you found. How perfect.

    Secondly, I think it's totally fine that you ended it when you did, and you feel good about the decision that you made. That is ALL that matters, really!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes. Indeed I have no regrets. IT was actually very beautiful :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Celibacy def. isn't for everybody. Glad you had a wonderful experience at the end of your journey.

    ReplyDelete

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