Feeling/Not Feeling: Things I Didn't Want You To Know

*stolen from the blogger homie MoetwithMedusa Thanks bruh!*

I was teased relentlessly in school
Teased about everything...but especially my hair and weight.
I struggled with my weight for a really long time
I tried to be bulimic...until I realized I liked the taste of food
I'm still trying to be a video vixen body with a Condi Rice brain...
I hate to waste money
But I shop sometimes to fill a void
I text because I hate the sound of my voice
I get really angry when I feel like no one is listening or valuing what I say
I tried to commit suicide when I was 21
It was over some bullshit
My dad was mostly mad about the hospital bill
My dad is a source of a lot of pain
Speaking of which..he still brings up the money he "wasted" on a wedding reception.
But...surprisingly...we're getting better.
Yet I resent my mother for staying
I lie about how many "siblings" I have because honestly I don't know
I'm a fantastic artist and painter but never pursued it professionally
Because I am afraid of rejection and failure.
My undergraduate school wasn't my first choice
Neither were either of my graduate schools
My sorority disappoints me
I hate living in Atlanta.
I wish I lived in NYC or London
But Im too afraid to leave
I dont mind being a single mom anymore
The idea used to shame me.
I've never been pregnant.
Celibacy hasn't been as rewarding as imagined.
I cry so much.
At everything these days
Sometimes the things black people do make me so ashamed to be black.
I love my Locs but wish I had "wash and go hair"
I love to cook but hate to eat alone
I don't work out like I should and lie about it to people who ask
I've never had a vaginal orgasm and always fake it.
I'm getting a Phd but don't want to teach so I'm stuck ...
I feel like I dont know half the "theory", fancy-smancy crap my colleagues do.
Men make me nervous
So do crowds. I'm agoraphobic
People think I'm a bitch because of that
I'm just painfully shy
Someone hit me head on in a car accident when I was 19 and I get panic attacks behind the wheel.
I almost died
I'm trying to work on that
I usually lie and tell people I have a suspended license because I'm embarrassed
I'm actually an excellent driver
People ignoring me hurts my feelings
I feel deeply wounded by love
I put on a smiling face but I'm afraid to love
I smoke cigs
I'm trying to quit ...truly
I lie and say I don't to others because they judge
I have a sex blog but I'm pretty conservative
I like sex in total darkness
I drink too much
I swear too much for a woman
Who the fuck cares?
I wear makeup because I don't feel as beautiful without it
I don't believe people when they say they find me attractive
I think something is wrong with them because I think I look odd
Yet I front like I'm ok with myself all the time when it's mostly 75% of the time
I want people to like me
I hate arguing even if I know I'm right
I shamefully use passive aggressive tactics
I say I'm spontaneous and open but i really like routine
I've only held and fed a baby once so to give birth scares me.
Yet I want a baby...
I think I may want a baby more than a husband at this point.
I fear I've lost what it takes to be a good wife
I just wanted you to know
But I didn't want you to know

Give Away #3: Pure Romance Smooth Operator

As you all know..I am a definite supporter of fun and safe sexual activities and health.... And if you are also like me, you also know how to please yourself.....and spice things up with your partner. If you don't have a partner, a good ol' B.O.B. surely comes in handy. I've definitely sang the praises of my B.O.B from time to time ( see previous post )...and heck...I even did a video about it. See for yourself : Sex and the Southern Belle is proud to present Give Away #3..and have teamed up with Alica Beckford-Husband of Pure Romance by Alicia to give away something a lot of us single sisters surely do need....your own personal "B.O.B" called The Smooth Operator- a GLASS vibrator. I giggled with delight because I LOVE glass vibrators and trust me ladies, this one will provide hours of fun!!! Sophisticated. Sexy. Smooth! Each Smooth Operator is made by hand of sleek glass with a stripe that adds texture and a curved end that hits the spot. Use it on its ow...

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze) A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head. You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space). There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this w...

Kandi Burrus Launches Sex Toy Line

Kandi Burruss promotes her new Bedroom Kandi toy line at Shout Sept. 1, 2011. PHOTO CREDIT: Rodney Ho/rho@ajc.com Former Lead Singer of Xscape and Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member singer/songwriter Kandi Burruss recently launched her own line of sex toys. Kandi said she was inspired by Dr. Laura Berman (whose products I have also reviewed as well).... Kandi looking curvy and fab at her product launch party this past September. The line, entitled "Bedroom Kandi by Kandi Burruss", introduces women to luxury sex toys that are sleek, discrete, and gorgeous with cute little names and "adapters". Lots of products resemble women's items such as lipstick or compacts! Partnering with OhMiBod (famous for their Ipod/Vibrator combination) and designer Matthew Pung , Kandi has launched some pretty "hot" products "Happiness and Joy" vibrator "Kandi Kisses" lipstick vibrator I love that Kandi is branching out into other areas besi...

Hilary2/17/12, 4:56 PM
There have been so many times when I have wanted to just lay it all out there for everyone to see -- all my scars, my insecurities, my idiosyncrasies, everything, but I'm simply not brave enough. I admire your courage, truly.
TheMochaPeach2/17/12, 5:00 PM
@HIlary...

Thank you so much for that. I try to be brave on here...and well.... sometimes it works. Sometimes it backfires (LOL)
Daisy2/17/12, 10:20 PM
Beautiful, raw, transparent, refreshing
Candi2/18/12, 7:58 AM
I loved this! I'm amazed out how you can even outline the events. The cause and effects. I tried doing something like this a while back... it didn't sit well with me, so I left that project alone.

I commend you for the honesty and brave heart behind it all. I so wish I had the strength to gather my emotions and share with the world. I'm inspired but yet hesitant, still, about my true thoughts on the subject matter of "myself".

Great Post!! Loved it!
Unknown2/18/12, 4:20 PM
This just made my day! I love how honest this is.
~ Y2/18/12, 8:49 PM
I love your honesty so much. These are the things we are all thinking but most of us too self-conscious to say.

This one i esp. agreed with: "I think I may want a baby more than a husband at this point." I def. know that feeling.
taetae972/19/12, 2:44 PM
Thank you for your honesty...

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