February 17, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling: Things I Didn't Want You To Know

*stolen from the blogger homie MoetwithMedusa Thanks bruh!*

I was teased relentlessly in school
Teased about everything...but especially my hair and weight.
I struggled with my weight for a really long time
I tried to be bulimic...until I realized I liked the taste of food
I'm still trying to be a video vixen body with a Condi Rice brain...
I hate to waste money
But I shop sometimes to fill a void
I text because I hate the sound of my voice
I get really angry when I feel like no one is listening or valuing what I say
I tried to commit suicide when I was 21
It was over some bullshit
My dad was mostly mad about the hospital bill
My dad is a source of a lot of pain
Speaking of which..he still brings up the money he "wasted" on a wedding reception.
But...surprisingly...we're getting better.
Yet I resent my mother for staying
I lie about how many "siblings" I have because honestly I don't know
I'm a fantastic artist and painter but never pursued it professionally
Because I am afraid of rejection and failure.
My undergraduate school wasn't my first choice
Neither were either of my graduate schools
My sorority disappoints me
I hate living in Atlanta.
I wish I lived in NYC or London
But Im too afraid to leave
I dont mind being a single mom anymore
The idea used to shame me.
I've never been pregnant.
Celibacy hasn't been as rewarding as imagined.
I cry so much.
At everything these days
Sometimes the things black people do make me so ashamed to be black.
I love my Locs but wish I had "wash and go hair"
I love to cook but hate to eat alone
I don't work out like I should and lie about it to people who ask
I've never had a vaginal orgasm and always fake it.
I'm getting a Phd but don't want to teach so I'm stuck ...
I feel like I dont know half the "theory", fancy-smancy crap my colleagues do.
Men make me nervous
So do crowds. I'm agoraphobic
People think I'm a bitch because of that
I'm just painfully shy
Someone hit me head on in a car accident when I was 19 and I get panic attacks behind the wheel.
I almost died
I'm trying to work on that
I usually lie and tell people I have a suspended license because I'm embarrassed
I'm actually an excellent driver
People ignoring me hurts my feelings
I feel deeply wounded by love
I put on a smiling face but I'm afraid to love
I smoke cigs
I'm trying to quit ...truly
I lie and say I don't to others because they judge
I have a sex blog but I'm pretty conservative
I like sex in total darkness
I drink too much
I swear too much for a woman
Who the fuck cares?
I wear makeup because I don't feel as beautiful without it
I don't believe people when they say they find me attractive
I think something is wrong with them because I think I look odd
Yet I front like I'm ok with myself all the time when it's mostly 75% of the time
I want people to like me
I hate arguing even if I know I'm right
I shamefully use passive aggressive tactics
I say I'm spontaneous and open but i really like routine
I've only held and fed a baby once so to give birth scares me.
Yet I want a baby...
I think I may want a baby more than a husband at this point.
I fear I've lost what it takes to be a good wife
I just wanted you to know
But I didn't want you to know

7 comments:

  1. There have been so many times when I have wanted to just lay it all out there for everyone to see -- all my scars, my insecurities, my idiosyncrasies, everything, but I'm simply not brave enough. I admire your courage, truly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @HIlary...

    Thank you so much for that. I try to be brave on here...and well.... sometimes it works. Sometimes it backfires (LOL)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful, raw, transparent, refreshing

    ReplyDelete
  4. I loved this! I'm amazed out how you can even outline the events. The cause and effects. I tried doing something like this a while back... it didn't sit well with me, so I left that project alone.

    I commend you for the honesty and brave heart behind it all. I so wish I had the strength to gather my emotions and share with the world. I'm inspired but yet hesitant, still, about my true thoughts on the subject matter of "myself".

    Great Post!! Loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This just made my day! I love how honest this is.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love your honesty so much. These are the things we are all thinking but most of us too self-conscious to say.

    This one i esp. agreed with: "I think I may want a baby more than a husband at this point." I def. know that feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for your honesty...

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin
 

Blog Design By: Lucky Girl Design Studio © All Rights Reserved. | Graphic: iStockphoto