MoetwithMedusa Thanks bruh!*
I was teased relentlessly in school
Teased about everything...but especially my hair and weight.
I struggled with my weight for a really long time
I tried to be bulimic...until I realized I liked the taste of food
I'm still trying to be a video vixen body with a Condi Rice brain...
I hate to waste money
But I shop sometimes to fill a void
I text because I hate the sound of my voice
I get really angry when I feel like no one is listening or valuing what I say
I tried to commit suicide when I was 21
It was over some bullshit
My dad was mostly mad about the hospital bill
My dad is a source of a lot of pain
Speaking of which..he still brings up the money he "wasted" on a wedding reception.
But...surprisingly...we're getting better.
Yet I resent my mother for staying
I lie about how many "siblings" I have because honestly I don't know
I'm a fantastic artist and painter but never pursued it professionally
Because I am afraid of rejection and failure.
My undergraduate school wasn't my first choice
Neither were either of my graduate schools
My sorority disappoints me
I hate living in Atlanta.
I wish I lived in NYC or London
But Im too afraid to leave
I dont mind being a single mom anymore
The idea used to shame me.
I've never been pregnant.
Celibacy hasn't been as rewarding as imagined.
I cry so much.
At everything these days
Sometimes the things black people do make me so ashamed to be black.
I love my Locs but wish I had "wash and go hair"
I love to cook but hate to eat alone
I don't work out like I should and lie about it to people who ask
I've never had a vaginal orgasm and always fake it.
I'm getting a Phd but don't want to teach so I'm stuck ...
I feel like I dont know half the "theory", fancy-smancy crap my colleagues do.
Men make me nervous
So do crowds. I'm agoraphobic
People think I'm a bitch because of that
I'm just painfully shy
Someone hit me head on in a car accident when I was 19 and I get panic attacks behind the wheel.
I almost died
I'm trying to work on that
I usually lie and tell people I have a suspended license because I'm embarrassed
I'm actually an excellent driver
People ignoring me hurts my feelings
I feel deeply wounded by love
I put on a smiling face but I'm afraid to love
I smoke cigs
I'm trying to quit ...truly
I lie and say I don't to others because they judge
I have a sex blog but I'm pretty conservative
I like sex in total darkness
I drink too much
I swear too much for a woman
Who the fuck cares?
I wear makeup because I don't feel as beautiful without it
I don't believe people when they say they find me attractive
I think something is wrong with them because I think I look odd
Yet I front like I'm ok with myself all the time when it's mostly 75% of the time
I want people to like me
I hate arguing even if I know I'm right
I shamefully use passive aggressive tactics
I say I'm spontaneous and open but i really like routine
I've only held and fed a baby once so to give birth scares me.
Yet I want a baby...
I think I may want a baby more than a husband at this point.
I fear I've lost what it takes to be a good wife
I just wanted you to know
But I didn't want you to know