Skip to main content

It Shouldn't Be This Hard

Being happy shouldn't be this hard.

I've committed myself to grabbing life by the balls and going hard in the paint for the pursuit of happiness and blissfulness.

Remember...the mantra is "Bliss is your Birthright"



Just 2 months into these grandiose plans, they appear to be thwarted by some mystic figures I like to call Fate and Fuckery.

Let's start with Fate, shall we?

Fate is working my nerves. She's having a field day on my last black one that I possess. She's fucking with me on the job, making a mockery of the hard work I do. As soon as I feel 1 steps ahead, I get knocked down 2 steps. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel unappreciated but this is the fate I chose of being a worker/student. No one at work understands and no one at school realizes I'm doing the best I can. In under a pressure cooker ...boiling and festering.

Speaking of school, I feel like a novice even going into the end of my 2nd year of PhD work. What do u wanna do with this? What shall I be? Will I be smart? Or have something profound to say? I get nervous. I feel like I love books and hate bureaucracy so how will I make it . How can I merge to an understanding of self and scholarship that is beneficial for me? Fate is pushing me to be better, to step out on faith....but I am scared.

Fate is testing her limits. With my friends. With my family. She's trying to have her way and I can't learn to be in the moment and learn the lesson . Therein lies the problem. I can't realize or accept Fate's job: to polish my armor to fight the battle another day.

But that bitch Fuckery????

Oh she has decided to land smack-dab in he middle of my personal life. She moved into the guest room of my heart. Fixed a fucking sandwich with my last piece of mesquite turkey and made herself comfortable on my life's couch, having my life be her cable TV. And is draining me of all my energy. Fuckery is a succubus.

Fuckery landed in my personal life in the worst way. She took over my brain, had me spewing all kinds of irrational shit simply because I was afraid.

Fuckery had me not believing in the possible. It was planting delusions in my head, because she likes to do that for shits and giggles. She had me thinking that little black girls can't have fairy tale endings; that someone couldn't just "be into me for me". Surely something was wrong with him or me. It had me say stupid shit like " well if you fuck around on me I understand cause you're a man" or " why are you into me in the first place?". That's not me !! An alien took over my body and replaced it with a ridiculous 15 year old teenager, not the grown ass almost mid-30s woman I truly am.

Fuckery was driving me to insanity and drinking, playing sad ass Sade songs and eating cheese out the package, weeping at the fridge. She was enjoying herself in my home that had previously been swept pristine, an open, receptive heart with a clean slate. Nah.. She was trying to peel the scab off old wounds, trying to make me throw him in the woodpile with every other dude. Fuckery wouldn't let me just fall.....just wanted me to fail.

Fuckery had me over thinking as usual....had me resistant to going with the flow. Instead, it had me annoying the shit outta of him and probably questioning perceptions of me. I'm not that crazy, truly. Fuckery wouldn't let me think before I spoke. I didn't give a damn about anyone's feelings but my own. I broke every rule I said I wouldn't do.

In the end, fuckery might have won because here I am, back to square one. Doubting myself.

Blissfulness shouldn't be this hard to attain. But I realize now it's my own fault. I'm not listening to Fate and I'm succumbing to Fuckery.

Fuckery will win no more. I evict you!

I repeat : "Bliss is your Birthright"

Bliss is my birthright!!!

You're goddamn right it is!

Let's start over shall we?

Bring on March 1st...


  1. We all have those moments of self-doubt. (I know i did, especially during my doctoral program! I had very similar thoughts).

    Girl, you just keep on repeating your mantra for 2012 in your head: Bliss is my birthright!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…

Dating and the Dark-Skinned Girl

Often times in the circle of close bloggers, who become friends, we get into debates (albeit friendly ones) but debates nonetheless. I happened to be on my "private" blog site reading a dear friend's blog. I love her to death and she's been like a big sister to me, helping me through my divorce as a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. And although I've never met her in person...I do consider her a friend (that may sound strange to most..but it isnt to bloggers!) She's a gorgeous Black and Mexican in southern Cal and raising her teenage son amazingly! I was reading her blog...and came across this:

Ok..just a random thought... What is with the expression "LSLH?" Because it's usually used in a negative way, I'm offended by it.It irks me to no end! I mean, does it make us less of a black women because we have lighter skin and long hair? So when I read blogs or websites that use that expression, I think it's sad. So what if I&…

The "Fleece Johnson" Guide to Dating

I am not sure if any of you saw the recent Boondocks where they spoofed prison culture and gayness. Well....if you haven' is a little clip of where they got their inspiration from. Fleece Johnson...the Booty Warrior... So yeah...Fleece is a little crazy..but we are about to roll with thiis for a minute. I am about to take the "Fleece Johnson" no holds barred approach to dating. If I see a dude it's going down  like this: I likes ya I wants ya We can do this the easy way Or the hard way....your choice. Now..Fleece might be talking about gay men and booty warrior and "hornin". But..I'm talking about taking the same approach to men. If I see a dude I want..I WANT HIM. Imma have him. We can play games and bullshit and do it the hard way...OR we can do it the easy give in to me and my desires (and yours)..and be happy. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have to do dumb sh*t to work for a good woman? Or take an easy approach with the sam…