February 24, 2012

It Shouldn't Be This Hard

Being happy shouldn't be this hard.

I've committed myself to grabbing life by the balls and going hard in the paint for the pursuit of happiness and blissfulness.

Remember...the mantra is "Bliss is your Birthright"



Just 2 months into these grandiose plans, they appear to be thwarted by some mystic figures I like to call Fate and Fuckery.

Let's start with Fate, shall we?

Fate is working my nerves. She's having a field day on my last black one that I possess. She's fucking with me on the job, making a mockery of the hard work I do. As soon as I feel 1 steps ahead, I get knocked down 2 steps. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel unappreciated but this is the fate I chose of being a worker/student. No one at work understands and no one at school realizes I'm doing the best I can. In under a pressure cooker ...boiling and festering.

Speaking of school, I feel like a novice even going into the end of my 2nd year of PhD work. What do u wanna do with this? What shall I be? Will I be smart? Or have something profound to say? I get nervous. I feel like I love books and hate bureaucracy so how will I make it . How can I merge to an understanding of self and scholarship that is beneficial for me? Fate is pushing me to be better, to step out on faith....but I am scared.

Fate is testing her limits. With my friends. With my family. She's trying to have her way and I can't learn to be in the moment and learn the lesson . Therein lies the problem. I can't realize or accept Fate's job: to polish my armor to fight the battle another day.

But that bitch Fuckery????

Oh she has decided to land smack-dab in he middle of my personal life. She moved into the guest room of my heart. Fixed a fucking sandwich with my last piece of mesquite turkey and made herself comfortable on my life's couch, having my life be her cable TV. And is draining me of all my energy. Fuckery is a succubus.

Fuckery landed in my personal life in the worst way. She took over my brain, had me spewing all kinds of irrational shit simply because I was afraid.

Fuckery had me not believing in the possible. It was planting delusions in my head, because she likes to do that for shits and giggles. She had me thinking that little black girls can't have fairy tale endings; that someone couldn't just "be into me for me". Surely something was wrong with him or me. It had me say stupid shit like " well if you fuck around on me I understand cause you're a man" or " why are you into me in the first place?". That's not me !! An alien took over my body and replaced it with a ridiculous 15 year old teenager, not the grown ass almost mid-30s woman I truly am.

Fuckery was driving me to insanity and drinking, playing sad ass Sade songs and eating cheese out the package, weeping at the fridge. She was enjoying herself in my home that had previously been swept pristine, an open, receptive heart with a clean slate. Nah.. She was trying to peel the scab off old wounds, trying to make me throw him in the woodpile with every other dude. Fuckery wouldn't let me just fall.....just wanted me to fail.

Fuckery had me over thinking as usual....had me resistant to going with the flow. Instead, it had me annoying the shit outta of him and probably questioning perceptions of me. I'm not that crazy, truly. Fuckery wouldn't let me think before I spoke. I didn't give a damn about anyone's feelings but my own. I broke every rule I said I wouldn't do.

In the end, fuckery might have won because here I am, back to square one. Doubting myself.

Blissfulness shouldn't be this hard to attain. But I realize now it's my own fault. I'm not listening to Fate and I'm succumbing to Fuckery.

Fuckery will win no more. I evict you!

I repeat : "Bliss is your Birthright"

Bliss is my birthright!!!

You're goddamn right it is!

Let's start over shall we?

Bring on March 1st...

1 comment:

  1. We all have those moments of self-doubt. (I know i did, especially during my doctoral program! I had very similar thoughts).

    Girl, you just keep on repeating your mantra for 2012 in your head: Bliss is my birthright!



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