Skip to main content

Take YOU Out of the Equation

In talking to a male friend of mine, he shed some insight into why men do the things that they do, especially in dating.. And NEWSFLASH: most of the times, it isn’t even about the woman. And women need to stop making it all about them (Well…or at least try not to).

With exasperation, frustration and confusion in his voice he said:

“Take YOU out of the equation. There are times when I dated a woman and didn’t call her for 10 days straight. Not that I didn’t want to but other stuff got in the way. I liked the girl I dated a while ago. But what if my schedule was conflicting.  Maybe when I get to work I said I was going to text but stuff got really hectic and I couldn’t. What if I was broke and I knew I couldn’t take her out this week? Those dates start adding up! Sometimes I worked so much that all I wanted to do was go home., not talk to anyone. Just watch TV and put the cell in the other room. . What if he IS dating a bunch of women and he just can’t balance work, dating and stuff? What if he really does like you but he just can’t seem to get the timing together?”

Timing. It’s all about timing with men. They say women look for the right man...and men look for the right time. So does he stop dating her until his stuff gets in order?  Or has the time? Will he miss out on a great woman? Or does she need to understand that time is precious and she needs to work around his schedule and needs? Or does she need to move on?

What she DOES need to understand is that it isn’t about her. Women, often times in these situations, will make it all about them.  I know I do this.  What did I say or didn’t’ say? What did I do or didn’t do? What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s met someone else? What if I’m boring?  What if he doesn’t find me attractive? Sometimes (most times) it isn’t about you. It truly is on them and their clocks. Time doesn't work the same for men and women. Priorities aren't the same for men and women. We are just wired differently. Sometimes if it doesn't make money (for a man), it doesn't warrant their time. If it doesn't fulfill their needs, it doesn't warrant their time and energy.

What we as women need to do is take the blame off ourselves, take the pressure of ourselves EVERY time a relationship goes south or a guy doesn't contact you back or something goes a little array. Men get tired of hearing women ask these questions of "What was WRONG with me?". Instead we need to be saying "So...what is HIS damn problem?" ....and simply resolve to let it go and move on with our lives.

I've gone through this very thing in the past couple of weeks. Looking at myself in the mirror wondering, "What could it have been??" *sigh*. Things start to change and I blame myself. I cannot afford to do that anymore. The blame isn't on me...I have to learn to take ME out of the equation and let that man figure out if 1+1 really equals US. OR if he wants to be a lonely integer in this life.... Or divide and multiply himself endlessly among other obligations?

It's not for you to worry about. It's not even for you to decide.

It's not about you.

Freeing concept isnt it? 


  1. When my past relationships didn't work wrong out, I never took all the blame. I think that most women tend to forget that it takes two people to have a relationship. To shoulder all the blame and guilt yourself just isn't fair or realistic.

    Then you have to accept the fact that not every relationship/date it meant to be. Life is journey and journeys involve lots of change sometimes.

  2. This is such an important post! Too often we look within ourselves and feel like a failure when things don't work out... when really the timing was just poor or the guy wasn't looking for the same things.

    I agree with YUMMama, sometimes things aren't meant to be, and it's no reflection of who we are or what we might be bringing to the table.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

I Had Hope For Other Hair: Confessions in Black Motherhood

I had hoped for other hair...
(My Little One Reading a Book Before Bed)

... for my daughter.

No, I didn't want her to have "good hair"... hair that ebbed and flowed close to the weight of Whiteness. I didn't want that for her.  I didn't want her to have hair that was deemed "managable" or "a good grade". as if you can give hair letter grades or grade it on a curve.

I just wanted her to have any hair other than MY hair. She inherited my hair. And I cried.

When I found out I was having a girl, anxiety was replaced with dread. "Dear God.. I have to learn how to do hair". See, growing up, my mother was my stylist, even way into high school. So in between salon visits, she would relax or press my hair. She'd style it or comb it. And I never worried about it. I tried and tried to do my own hair... and failed. The only style I could keep up were Brandy-inspired box braids (which some poor, Senegalese woman would do for hours) or a very sho…

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…