January 10, 2011

Take YOU Out of the Equation

In talking to a male friend of mine, he shed some insight into why men do the things that they do, especially in dating.. And NEWSFLASH: most of the times, it isn’t even about the woman. And women need to stop making it all about them (Well…or at least try not to).

With exasperation, frustration and confusion in his voice he said:

“Take YOU out of the equation. There are times when I dated a woman and didn’t call her for 10 days straight. Not that I didn’t want to but other stuff got in the way. I liked the girl I dated a while ago. But what if my schedule was conflicting.  Maybe when I get to work I said I was going to text but stuff got really hectic and I couldn’t. What if I was broke and I knew I couldn’t take her out this week? Those dates start adding up! Sometimes I worked so much that all I wanted to do was go home., not talk to anyone. Just watch TV and put the cell in the other room. . What if he IS dating a bunch of women and he just can’t balance work, dating and stuff? What if he really does like you but he just can’t seem to get the timing together?”

Timing. It’s all about timing with men. They say women look for the right man...and men look for the right time. So does he stop dating her until his stuff gets in order?  Or has the time? Will he miss out on a great woman? Or does she need to understand that time is precious and she needs to work around his schedule and needs? Or does she need to move on?

What she DOES need to understand is that it isn’t about her. Women, often times in these situations, will make it all about them.  I know I do this.  What did I say or didn’t’ say? What did I do or didn’t do? What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s met someone else? What if I’m boring?  What if he doesn’t find me attractive? Sometimes (most times) it isn’t about you. It truly is on them and their clocks. Time doesn't work the same for men and women. Priorities aren't the same for men and women. We are just wired differently. Sometimes if it doesn't make money (for a man), it doesn't warrant their time. If it doesn't fulfill their needs, it doesn't warrant their time and energy.

What we as women need to do is take the blame off ourselves, take the pressure of ourselves EVERY time a relationship goes south or a guy doesn't contact you back or something goes a little array. Men get tired of hearing women ask these questions of "What was WRONG with me?". Instead we need to be saying "So...what is HIS damn problem?" ....and simply resolve to let it go and move on with our lives.

I've gone through this very thing in the past couple of weeks. Looking at myself in the mirror wondering, "What could it have been??" *sigh*. Things start to change and I blame myself. I cannot afford to do that anymore. The blame isn't on me...I have to learn to take ME out of the equation and let that man figure out if 1+1 really equals US. OR if he wants to be a lonely integer in this life.... Or divide and multiply himself endlessly among other obligations?

It's not for you to worry about. It's not even for you to decide.

It's not about you.

Freeing concept isnt it? 


  1. When my past relationships didn't work wrong out, I never took all the blame. I think that most women tend to forget that it takes two people to have a relationship. To shoulder all the blame and guilt yourself just isn't fair or realistic.

    Then you have to accept the fact that not every relationship/date it meant to be. Life is journey and journeys involve lots of change sometimes.

  2. This is such an important post! Too often we look within ourselves and feel like a failure when things don't work out... when really the timing was just poor or the guy wasn't looking for the same things.

    I agree with YUMMama, sometimes things aren't meant to be, and it's no reflection of who we are or what we might be bringing to the table.



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