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Dickmatized: An Epidemic

We all know a sista that has fallen pray to this epidemic could have happened to you.
A Good Girlfriend.
Your cousin.
Your spry, 86 year old grandma!

NO ONE is immune, son! NO ONE!!

Anyone can fall victim to the epidemic known by its Latin name...

Dickmitus Traumaticus or more commonly  "Dickmatized"

You know the instant it happens. You lay there, after some good,, sex and through some weird transference of energy, your brain instantly turns to mush and you lose the sense the Good Lord gave you. All because of some dick....

You start doing and saying dumb sh*t...such as:

"Yeah baby..I'll pick your kids up from their crazy mama's house. If I gotta fight that b*tch I will."

You've known the dude 2 weeks and already thinking about baby carriages, changing your last name,  and your wedding color scheme.

You hop up out the bed, bright and early at 5 am, and make that ninja some pancakes. Naw..fuck some pancakes..some crepes! You know how difficult a crepe is??!! (TRUE STORY...LOL)

"Nah girl..I aint coming to your wedding. Yeah I know I was your maid of honor man is off that weekend and we need some quality time. I know you mad but gurlllllll.......he be putting it on a b*tch"

You think about how good you are getting it and you just shudder, shed that one lone Denzel tear,  and do the Aunt Esther "Ha GLORY" praise dance!

You are about to lose your job, go on unemployment cause your ass keeps missing days from work or going in tardy cause you was getting some!

You iron his shirts when you don't even iron your own shirts.

You start borrowing from your 401k to plan trips and sh*t.

You start calling him your "man" and he aint even took you out in public.

You spend your last money on some new lingerie..

You co-sign for him a new car

You start crying at the thought of how good the d*ck is.. And vow to cut a b*tch who tries to take it away.

You start missing church and having to repent for all the fornicating you're doing. But say " know how good Im getting it! I just wanna ThANK YA!!!" (insert another Aunt Esther praise break)

You have to keep Carmax and Chap-stick around cause you keep biting your lip everytime you see that sexy summa-ma-bitch.

The bamma been unemployed for 10 months, sitting on your couch eating some Chic-o-sticks and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.. but you say "Ray Ray be holding a chick down in the bedroom so hey..I dont mind working these 2 jobs! He take care of me! I GOTS me a man!"

The man drops his drawers and you fall to your knees...reciting The Beatitudes and giving praise!!

See how crazy you sound? Your mama giving you the side-eye. Your friends think you need Dick-Rehab and invest in a 12 step program " name is.....And I'm addicted to well..DICK".
. And your pastor wants to lay hands on you! Just an awful, sad and pathetic mess. Girl..if we didn't know any better..we'd think you just discovered some sorta life, altering "THe Secret" type stuff and dont' know how to act. You just wanna get your next hit, like a drug addict. All you wanna do is eat, breathe and sleep WITH this dude's penis. You need to get a handle on your muthafuggin LIFE, lady!

Don't be that chick. The antidote for that is to just... Have a life outside of "the good penis" that you been getting. Put it all in perspective... Because just like that, *snaps fingers*... penis can be taken away. (or hell..replaced with a new, upgraded version that does some super amazing things!) Don't think about "the mechanics"..think about what that mechanism is ATTACHED to. Is he a good guy aside from the sex? And aside from the sex, what is he bringing to the table emotionally, spiritually?? Hell financially! Just cause Pookie or Booger or Man-Man slangs some mighty D, don't mean he's any type oF MAN. Bravado and manhood isn't wrapped up in how you can lay pipe...not one bit! Nothing of real importance should come before penis..ever! Shouldnt no family members be calling A&E trying to set you up on "Intervention".....(smh)

Oh ..and being "dickmatized" doesnt discriminate age, race, sexual orientation, or even GENDER for that matter. The Male version is "Pussimus Tractionitus" aka "Being Pussy Whipped". 

Yeah you took all 5 of her kids to see Yo Gabba are pussy whipped!

You got the oil changed in her raggedy ass are pussy whipped.

You poke holes in your OWN condom to get her might be pussy whipped (and a bit psycho)

You be stalking her bushes..and checking her cell phone when she goes in the are PUSSY WHIPPED!

You crying cause she leaving town might be BOTH Dickmatized AND Pussywhipped cause obviously you must not be taking it like a man....*smh*

Trust me..I speak from experience! I've gotten Dickmatized and totally sidetracked from LIFE at times. One time, many moons ago, , I was so caught up, I was so delusional that I truly believe I was THE ONLY chick he was putting his magic wand of penis power spell on....and well..OF COURSE he wasnt! But Praise MOSES!! I am healed from that one eyed snake!! *waves church fan*

All I'm saying is, this epidemic has to stop.  Put yourself FIRST. We have to reel it on back in and realize....

It's just a d*ck.



  1. lmao! loved this, girl. loved it! i think we've all been dickmatized at one point or another you really broke it down!

  2. Yes lord...we surely have! LOL

  3. LOL The timing of your post is so appropriate. I was laughing so hard reading Twitter Sunday night. Someone I follow said that Natalie Portman was so dickmatized in her Golden Globe acceptance speech.

  4. Girl! You had me rolling with this. "Chic-o sticks adn Cool Ranch Doritos"?! I'm weak. The lone Denzel tear? I LOVE that, 'cause we all know that yes, it has been single tear good. Whoop, whoop!


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