In a "Relationship" State-of-Mind

(Cartoon courtesy of IStockPhoto.com )

I was talking to one of my superbly awesome and witty good friends, Cher, about love and relationships (our hot topic, of course). She was telling me about one of her girlfriends who is in a blossoming relationship and how she changed her attitude and approach to it. It wasn't about how she intereacted with guys or even reading the hottest self-help book. It all started with changing her attitude. Cher said (to paraphrase..cause I don't even remember the exact words...LOL):

"My girl was like..she got in a better frame of mind and started THINKING and acting like she had a man already! She said "I stopped living my life as if I was a single woman! I began to act and treat myself as if I was a married woman. Would my man like to come home and see a dirty room or me laying around in sweats? NO! So I keep my place clean and I dress up even if Im just lounging at home!" So now..she's going pretty hot and heavy into a relationship with a new guy...I'm thinking it's gonna lead to marriage"

Ok..here is where I had what Oprah likes to call an "Ah-Ha!" moment! It was like Ben Franklin tied a kite to my locs...stood me out in a lightening storm...and I was flooded with an electrical current of ideas. YES! That's it! EUREKA!! It was as if The Secret mixed with some sorta of Karmic-Cosmic ideology and flooded my heart (and I'm not one for hokey-socio-pop psychology crap)

I had to STOP thinking and acting like a single person otherwise I will remain single.

The sista in the previous anecdote makes a valid point. If you want something, you can most definitely will it to you. I come home everyday..and do the same crap. I put on my comfy robe..I cook dinner...something quick and fast. On weekends..I wear any old thing....and don't really treat myself to anything. During the weeks of school, my house looks like a tornado of academia hits it: papers, books, pens, and notes all over the place. My fridge is stocked but def not full of things like chips, beer, and liquor that a fella would enjoy. If I run out anywhere that ISN'T special, especially on the weekends, I'm in a hoodie, sneakers and a cute top.

I did do a bedroom makeover that I spoke about. Now THAT is gorgeous...but I have to do better in other areas. I think as part of my new year's resolution I am going to def do better. Make sure I look cute even in the house..lounge in lingerie and cute sexy items. Make sure my house is stocked with wine, dark liquors and chips. Keep my "naughty drawer" full of condoms (OK..I got condoms but uhm...they ain't been used). Make sure the house smells good. Stock up on candles. Get a humidor and stock up on some cigars. Video games. Aside from the aesthetic, keep myself waxed, shaved and ready. Keep my pedicures and manicures up. Even when I eat, set another place setting. Keep a pleasant disposition on my face and smile. Speak sweet words...even to those I may not even care about (It's good practice..cause Lord knows I got the "quick, acid tongue" at times". I can really speak my Aries mind...)

I was watching Eat, Pray Love, and character played by Viola Davis had a box that she put under her bed, she filled it with her hopes and dreams, and just waited. She waited for the right time. She put baby clothes in it....Elizabeth Gilbert (the author played by Julia Roberts) put places she wanted to travel in her box...and Me? I'd put lot's of things in there...too private to share. But a box of possibilities is what it could be..

But in the meantime...I prepare my mind...my place....for all the possibilities my heart can hold,

I hope that dude is ready! :)

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl. I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space). There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.

But..…

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
*sigh*
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…

Yakini1/23/11, 9:59 AM
I really like the idea of a relationship state of mind. And many of those things you named will just make you feel good anyway.

I had a Hope Chest prior to getting married too! During my years working in the Res Hall and working on my doctorate I kept a pretty, satin covered little chest and inside I had a couple of my favorite childhood books that I had purchased from Amazon, cuz i knew I wanted to share them with my kids one day (ie, Miss Nelson is Missing, The Giving Tree, etc.). I also had a gorgeous nightie that I knew I wanted to wear on my honeymoon (I purchased it while working at Victoria's Secret one summer. It was costly but sooo stunning I had to have it), and several other things that represented my dreams/future. I didn't go so far as Charlotte, who had a magazine cut-out picture of her dream guy. :-) But I did believe that putting those positive things into the box, along with positive thinking, would help them come to fruition.
Sincerely1/23/11, 10:17 PM
Im slowly getting into that routine myself... im in the process of making my house feel like a home. granted... i do have a man in my life.. but this is something that i want to do for me. to make me feel happy and in order..my home has to be inviting and comfortable to me.. everyone and everything is secondary
Monique1/24/11, 1:05 PM
This is pretty sound advice and I must admit that I've found it to be true. Once I stopped "wishing" and started "being", the dreams manifested.
Eboni1/24/11, 11:42 PM
I completely agree with Cher & the way her friend approached dating/relationships and being single. I think that with ANYTHING, when you "Change your mind, you change the times" (i did a blog about this back in 2005).

Whether we want to call it The Secret, Sowing & Reaping, the universal laws of attraction etc, what we expect, typically becomes what we experience If we want great(er) experiences, we have to have great expectations.

Sex and The Southern Belle

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