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Masturbation is Overrated

Ok...before you look at me like I have 12 heads and say “this chick is crazy”...hear me out.

I love myself. Trust me...I REALLY do. And I’ve known since I was 12 years old and my mother explained “masturbation” that it was indeed ok to learn myself...what I like and love me like no other. But truth of the matter is…

..it just does NOTHING for me. In my 31 years on this earth...I can’t say I just had the best orgasms solo.

Oh...don’t get me wrong. I will use some (and invest in) tools and tricks every now and then to have a little fun (although admittedly, those things are usually only super fun with someone else in the mix). Usually, if I am having some solo time it’s to test out a new product and its bells and whistles. I’d just rather show my love and appreciation for myself with a new pair of shoes...a pedicure...a good meal...or hell...some good old fashioned sex itself. But if I am using them...and having fun with them...trust me it isn’t to “get me off”. Only one kind of stimulation can do that…a big, strong dose of vitamin D.

I mean I just can never fully “arrive” when I do that. This isn’t to say I don’t know what gets me going or what feels good. But...men do all the extras. You need an extra set of hands...lips…the vocals...feeling the warmth of breath on your neck. You can’t do that solo. I just need the extras. What am I going to do? Say my own name? Smack my own ass? Pull my own hair? So corny….LOL.

Like some chicks can sit there and do it for hours on end (think Samantha from Sex and the City) and be just fine... There is only so much “loving” myself I can take.

After a while…I get into it...

…I start thinking about the last fine hunk of man I was with.

..then I start thinking about how LAME I am doing this solo

…then I start wondering why the f**k I just didn’t call that dude

…then I realize WHY I can’t call that dude...because he’s a dingleberry

..then I get mad and throw the contraption across the room

..then I cry myself to sleep screaming “WHHYYYY!! I’m too fine for this” (lmao...I am kidding…sorta)



In all seriousness, I just can’t get into all of that masturbation. If you love it, you love it. But for me...I’ll just take a nice, strong man anyday.

Comments

  1. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. I was just talking to my DH about this. He travels for work quite a bit and, as you know, sista's got needs. Getting to know yourself is a passable substitute, but it's just that -- a substitute.

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  2. vitamin d?! dingleberry?! you are crazy funny! lol! i feel you (no pun intended) to a certain extent. for just the basics, it works... gets the job done. heck, for a gemini, the fun is in the show, the performance. usually, what i'm missing most when i'm "solo" is the warmth... the intimacy... & you damn sure can't kiss yourself! (believe me, i've tried...)

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  3. THIS is by far one of the most hilarious entries you've ever written. Had me dying laughing. I love the honesty and it just goes to show that a real woman has to be satisfied by a man.

    ReplyDelete

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