Skip to main content

The "IT" Factor

I was sitting by my pool talking to my male friend., chilling and listening to my Ipod... We were talking about dating and relationships.

I was telling him about an awesome first date I recently had and how I felt that everything clicked…yet there has been a total lack of communication on the other person’s part. I didn’t understand. We had this awesome first date. I felt we connected.

“Well,” said my friend. “He probably didn’t feel the same way. It’s all about the IT factor…and maybe you don’t have it for him…at least not right away. It has nothing to do with you as a person or what you lack. It’s the natural chemistry”.

I was totally crushed. I thought I put on the charm on our date. I wasn’t expecting love at first sight but surely I was expecting him to dig me...and want to call me and at LEAST make a second date...

 Well over a week has passed by and my head is spinning and replaying the moment we went out over and over. I looked fresh and natural...very little (if any) makeup. I smiled a whole lot. I laughed at his jokes. I let him be a gentleman. I made sure my breath wasn’t stinky and I was just myself. Was wearing a “wife beater” and jeans and flip flops too casual?

Maybe being myself wasn’t enough. I thought the chemistry we had was unforced…totally natural. FOR ME, the “it” factor was/is how comfortable I was with the guy. How he made me laugh…and sexy the man made me feel and how sexy he was. I felt VERY confident and that is always a plus. And it has to be the way he looks at me when I speak...he has to focus on the conversation.

How do MEN especially know? What exactly is the “IT” factor? What takes a girl from a few random dates and calls to wanting to really get to know her? Especially after a first meeting…how do you know if that person has the “IT” factor?

I decided to ask a few men about it and here is what they had to say:

MM: The way she smells nails and hair correct ample amounts of backside pretty face got herself together…nice smile.

OH: I won’t lie…a big butt and a smile.

EJ: I’ve been searching for this word, maybe you can help; the "it" factor for me is a connection beyond the superficial. The moment when our spirits/auras touch and there’s an undeniable magnetic attraction. An affinity for each other that compelled us beyond reason. Usually what I look for is a woman who’s happy to be around me...making me feel if I had to give you a word …. The it factor I look for is joy! If I had to give you a word.... the it factor I look for is joy!

EW: For me the "it" factor has nothing to do with her at all. I just feel know? That feeling you get in your stomach that's well past butterflies. I can't pinpoint one exact thing in her that does "it" for me. It' all relative.

TV: That she has a life of her own and goals.Her confidence and mysterious side that makes me inquire more.I don't know what the hell that, but a woman that has accomplished things but doesn't need to brag or define herself by her accomplishments or where she's been

JD: Confidence+Goodlooking+a little feisty. I think that "IT" factor is the confidence, and being comfortable in her own skin. Yeah, I had to think about it, but you are right. It's confidence+chemistry that makes a "got to have her" woman.

RH: Unspoken confidence; undeniable altruism; demanding presence; and a sensual aura!

RL:Positivity and Uniqueness/Individuality, and a Pretty Smile.

So what’s the IT factor for you??


  1. The "It" factor is more like can I see myself marrying this person and/or dating long term? How she carry herself, how much baggage she has etc.

  2. My first date "It Factor" is whether or not we have a comfortable rapport that is natural.... does he make me laugh (and is it genuine laughter, not forced/polite laughter).... is he a gentleman? Am I attracted to him? He doesnt have to be Denzel or Shemar, but Ive got to find him handsome. If all those things click on Date #1 (and Im not already feeling someone else and just out on the date due to boredom/loneliness) then I'd definitely like a Date #2.

  3. not a guy... & don't know about the "it" factor (besides the chemistry you described). but i just HATE when that happens! it's just an example of how we see what we want to see. & how two ppl in the same place can be on two TOTALLY different pages. one thing tho that i always consider is the part of their life you haven't been introduced to yet. like, maybe he had an ex with whom he'd been trying to work things out. maybe the great date with you made him think of the things he missed in her?... who knows? seriously, who? cuz i have some questions!

  4. I co-sign JD's beliefs.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.


The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…