Skip to main content

Giving D*ck Reports

Ya know, there were two cardinal things that my mother told me never, ever to talk about with my girlfriends when I got married:

1)   You and your husband’s finances: Unless folks wanna put MORE money in your pocket…WTF can they do for you.
2)   You and your husband’s sex life. If you start talking about it…you will lose it. Save it for a therapist if you having problems. And if it’s good, keep smiling, and keep it to yourself…unless you want the next woman to have it.

Now, because of unforeseen events, I had to call on my girlfriends for some financial help. So #1 went out the door. But those were trusted confidantes that really didn’t expect to go blabbing about how they helped me.

But #2….with all my heart I kept that close to the vest. I never ever shared how my husband and me had a great OR bad sex life. To this day, no one will know that except me and my ex husband. That is the truth.

But nevertheless…some people really share too damn much. And your sex life with your partner/husband/fiancé/baby-daddy is one of them.

I have a friend. Let’s call her “Shelly” (thank God I have no friends named Shelly…LOL). Anyway, Shelly is really into her husband “Ted”.  It’s as if Ted is the only penis she’s had (and that’s a lie because I guess she forgot how big a hooker she was). Anyway, Shelly is a born-again freak for her man (despite pretty much giving all her freak away to the umpteen dudes before Ted).  Every Facebook post…every Tweet…at least twice a week…is on how she’s “putting it on Ted”. How well Ted “eats her p**y” and how big his dick is. And that is MILD….some of it get’s downright raunchy.   For example, one tweet was something like “Yeah..his D8ck just hit my walls something serious. I mighta gotten a hysterectomy”. What?? “Ilk*  “[Nicki Minaj voice*]

.’I'm no prude…trust me I’m not. I don’t want to picture her and Ted getting their “grown folks” on. Seriously… gags.  Not that they are unattractive people, but that’s a line that I don’t want to cross.  I don’t need to picture that every time I see you pass the potato salad at the picnic. Giving a d*ck report back in the "single" days meant you were telling your girl what you HEARD (or experienced but...veiled it as "what you heard") about a dude's sex game to sort of "warn" hear about what he may be like (or give a brother props).

 I am not sure what purpose giving a dick report to your girl is about when you are married?? To brag? To say.."Poor thing...dont you wish you had some?" No I dont..I dont want none of Ted's rusty nasty beer-belly dick if I had a choice and if you asked me to join ya'll....I'l pass.

Oh we all get flirty.  I will brag on my skills form time to time. [pats self on back].  But it’s always in a joking manner. Never will you hear the nitty-gritty, down and dirty details of how I do my thing in the bedroom. Nor will you hear me giving out dick reports on my man. As my mother said, I don’t want the next woman getting her curiosity peeked so she could get the deepest of her itches scratched. If you are a cat in head, please find another cat to get down with. Not my cat…

Keep your sexual life in-house, people. No one wants to hear there just on a TMI level. But most of all, don’t share what’s good to you, unless you want someone else to take a sample of it.

Marriage and monogamy is dine-in, one course only. Not a buffet…



  1. That is funny, i got the same (or very similar) advice from my mom on those 2 things! lol. Especially the part about not disclosing the deets of your sex life.

    lmaoooo @ dick reports. That expression is hysterical. I dont know why Shelly is giving so much detail, but my guess is to brag. *smh* I mean, some stuff needs to just remain in-house. But i guess ole' girl never got that memo.

  2. Um I don't need anyone knowing how good or bad the dick is I am getting. The end!

    If she has to do all that I don't think Ted is putting it down like that. Hell Ted may be over Mary's!

  3. Great post! No need to share everything!! Some things we just don't need to know!

  4. Hi Mocha,

    ROFL. My mom told me #2 and to my shame I didn't listen. At 19, I had the idea reinforced the hard way - right! Never to be repeated.

    As for Shelly, I just can't... It is definitely TMI and shall we say classless. If it's your goodies keep the damn thing to your self. In fact, I tend to think people who brag about their sex lives are lying to make themselves look bigger - just sayin.

  5. Damn.....ya'll give dick reports huh?!?

    I can only hope that over the years kind things have been said about me..........

    I've never talked about my sex life with anyone. I just think that's disrespectful. I have friends who share WWWAAAAAAYYY too much about their lives. But I've never done that out of respect for my love interests and the fact that I know if it ever got back to one of them, there would be no more pussy for Reggie.

    I might speak in generic terms, but I don't get into mentioning names and the things that I did with those women.......let them be done.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.


The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…