November 8, 2011

Giving D*ck Reports

Ya know, there were two cardinal things that my mother told me never, ever to talk about with my girlfriends when I got married:

1)   You and your husband’s finances: Unless folks wanna put MORE money in your pocket…WTF can they do for you.
2)   You and your husband’s sex life. If you start talking about it…you will lose it. Save it for a therapist if you having problems. And if it’s good, keep smiling, and keep it to yourself…unless you want the next woman to have it.

Now, because of unforeseen events, I had to call on my girlfriends for some financial help. So #1 went out the door. But those were trusted confidantes that really didn’t expect to go blabbing about how they helped me.

But #2….with all my heart I kept that close to the vest. I never ever shared how my husband and me had a great OR bad sex life. To this day, no one will know that except me and my ex husband. That is the truth.

But nevertheless…some people really share too damn much. And your sex life with your partner/husband/fiancé/baby-daddy is one of them.

I have a friend. Let’s call her “Shelly” (thank God I have no friends named Shelly…LOL). Anyway, Shelly is really into her husband “Ted”.  It’s as if Ted is the only penis she’s had (and that’s a lie because I guess she forgot how big a hooker she was). Anyway, Shelly is a born-again freak for her man (despite pretty much giving all her freak away to the umpteen dudes before Ted).  Every Facebook post…every Tweet…at least twice a week…is on how she’s “putting it on Ted”. How well Ted “eats her p**y” and how big his dick is. And that is MILD….some of it get’s downright raunchy.   For example, one tweet was something like “Yeah..his D8ck just hit my walls something serious. I mighta gotten a hysterectomy”. What?? “Ilk*  “[Nicki Minaj voice*]

.’I'm no prude…trust me I’m not. I don’t want to picture her and Ted getting their “grown folks” on. Seriously… gags.  Not that they are unattractive people, but that’s a line that I don’t want to cross.  I don’t need to picture that every time I see you pass the potato salad at the picnic. Giving a d*ck report back in the "single" days meant you were telling your girl what you HEARD (or experienced but...veiled it as "what you heard") about a dude's sex game to sort of "warn" hear about what he may be like (or give a brother props).

 I am not sure what purpose giving a dick report to your girl is about when you are married?? To brag? To say.."Poor thing...dont you wish you had some?" No I dont..I dont want none of Ted's rusty nasty beer-belly dick if I had a choice and if you asked me to join ya'll....I'l pass.

Oh we all get flirty.  I will brag on my skills form time to time. [pats self on back].  But it’s always in a joking manner. Never will you hear the nitty-gritty, down and dirty details of how I do my thing in the bedroom. Nor will you hear me giving out dick reports on my man. As my mother said, I don’t want the next woman getting her curiosity peeked so she could get the deepest of her itches scratched. If you are a cat in head, please find another cat to get down with. Not my cat…

Keep your sexual life in-house, people. No one wants to hear there just on a TMI level. But most of all, don’t share what’s good to you, unless you want someone else to take a sample of it.

Marriage and monogamy is dine-in, one course only. Not a buffet…



  1. That is funny, i got the same (or very similar) advice from my mom on those 2 things! lol. Especially the part about not disclosing the deets of your sex life.

    lmaoooo @ dick reports. That expression is hysterical. I dont know why Shelly is giving so much detail, but my guess is to brag. *smh* I mean, some stuff needs to just remain in-house. But i guess ole' girl never got that memo.

  2. Um I don't need anyone knowing how good or bad the dick is I am getting. The end!

    If she has to do all that I don't think Ted is putting it down like that. Hell Ted may be over Mary's!

  3. Great post! No need to share everything!! Some things we just don't need to know!

  4. Hi Mocha,

    ROFL. My mom told me #2 and to my shame I didn't listen. At 19, I had the idea reinforced the hard way - right! Never to be repeated.

    As for Shelly, I just can't... It is definitely TMI and shall we say classless. If it's your goodies keep the damn thing to your self. In fact, I tend to think people who brag about their sex lives are lying to make themselves look bigger - just sayin.

  5. Damn.....ya'll give dick reports huh?!?

    I can only hope that over the years kind things have been said about me..........

    I've never talked about my sex life with anyone. I just think that's disrespectful. I have friends who share WWWAAAAAAYYY too much about their lives. But I've never done that out of respect for my love interests and the fact that I know if it ever got back to one of them, there would be no more pussy for Reggie.

    I might speak in generic terms, but I don't get into mentioning names and the things that I did with those women.......let them be done.



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