Skip to main content

No Room for "Space" in Marriage



Me and my fiance' had a bit of a disagreement last week...

No. I wont get into the details of what it was about because that is between us. But I will say I learned a valuable lesson.

(This is a bit of a paraphrase/mash-up of the situation but bear with me...the lesson still stands)

I had my arms folded. My lip poked out (not in a snotty 13 year old kind of way but in a tired, old Grandma frustration kind of way). I walked in the door and didn't say a word to him. Not even hello. I heard him say "Well hello to you too............" and I closed my door. I took off my clothes and got in bed. I figured it was best I just avoid him.....give him some "space" before I blew it up out of proportion.

Later, he climbed in next to me and I was asleep, truly asleep. He leaned over wearily and asked "Are you awake?" I groaned and grumbled, upset my sleep was disturbed and said "I WAS ASLEEP" in my most annoyed voice. He sighed. He tried to talk to me and I didn't say much............He wanted to still cuddle.  I told him I needed some space. And he most vehemently declared..

"Babe...you don't get to have space in a marriage".


I sat there kinda of frozen. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but his words hit me nonetheless. I wouldn't admit it then...but he was right (Ha...!)

Prior to my fiance', I had been single almost 5 years. 5 years since I shared my space with another person, another man. It had been just me for a while and I was very much used to the concept of that. If I got upset with someone I was dating, I could just stop talking to them., I could get my space and retreat into my thoughts and be done.  And when I married the first time, that ol "I need space" thing used to work. My ex never fought me. Just left me alone..........and occupied his time with something or someone else.

I also realized that the ol "I need space/don't talk/retreat" tactic was something I saw my father do far too many times. It was cold. It was hurtful and it was unnecessary.  We truly do learn all the "crap" from our parents.

I can't do that now. Old habits have to die fast in something new....And I really shouldn't have to.

As I looked around my almost packed apartment, I realized I was transitioning. Size 15 shoes and XL shirts in my closet. A G Shock watch on the dresser. I started to laugh. God was like.."See.....look..you asked for this..so deal, chick!"

Look....it's true..I asked for this. I asked for someone to share this space with me. And here he was...wanting to share. Wanting to talk. and  I just wanted to be alone. It's a 1 bedroom..I cant be alone. And even if I had a mansion.....there is no such thing as "space". I could go away for the weekend. He could go to his "man cave"...regardless..we will have to be in each other's most valuable piece of real estate: our hearts. He's going to be there..24/7. HE is going to be there to argue..fuss..fight..and minister, support and laugh with me. That's his job. That's OUR job as a couple. We need to be in each other's space. It's how you do a "check" on if things are ok.

I realized then that space is just another word for "isolation". No one wants to be isolated in a relationship. It just doesn't work. I said "yes" to spending the rest of my life in his space.....I should allow him in mine, good or bad. He's the dude I want to rock with for the next 50 years or so.... He makes me laugh. I can talk to him about anything without  judgement... Why would I want space from that? He's my natural oxytocin.


There is no such thing as space in a marriage........no place for it.

So I am here for a little "crowding"............. :)

Comments

  1. That's a great message and one that most people don't get the benefit from hearing at all, never mind at a later point in life. So happy for you and this next step.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
*sigh*
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…

#YearThirtyFine: The Day I Stopped Giving a F****

Turning 39 aka Thirty Fine has been an experience.
My body has more aches and pains...I think I also found a gray hair...

I've had to make more doctor's appointments than I'd like...

I am out of breath when I chase my kid.. which reminds me to work out more and eat better.

I have to keep laxative on deck because I'm getting old...

But...
I also decided that my 39th birthday would be the day that I I would not give a f*** during my last year of my 30s.

I do not care what you think about my body. Imma wear a sheer shirt and show all my midriff.

I don't care what you think about how I parent. I am going to parent how I want and Baby Girl will be better for it.

I do not care that I am broke or have money for all the things I want

I do not care that I don't have a fly whip.

I do not care that my skin and hair isn't perfect all the time

I don't care if I wear makeup today.. and none tomorrow.

I am going to eat what I fucking want and worry about the pounds la…