September 17, 2013

No Room for "Space" in Marriage



Me and my fiance' had a bit of a disagreement last week...

No. I wont get into the details of what it was about because that is between us. But I will say I learned a valuable lesson.

(This is a bit of a paraphrase/mash-up of the situation but bear with me...the lesson still stands)

I had my arms folded. My lip poked out (not in a snotty 13 year old kind of way but in a tired, old Grandma frustration kind of way). I walked in the door and didn't say a word to him. Not even hello. I heard him say "Well hello to you too............" and I closed my door. I took off my clothes and got in bed. I figured it was best I just avoid him.....give him some "space" before I blew it up out of proportion.

Later, he climbed in next to me and I was asleep, truly asleep. He leaned over wearily and asked "Are you awake?" I groaned and grumbled, upset my sleep was disturbed and said "I WAS ASLEEP" in my most annoyed voice. He sighed. He tried to talk to me and I didn't say much............He wanted to still cuddle.  I told him I needed some space. And he most vehemently declared..

"Babe...you don't get to have space in a marriage".


I sat there kinda of frozen. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but his words hit me nonetheless. I wouldn't admit it then...but he was right (Ha...!)

Prior to my fiance', I had been single almost 5 years. 5 years since I shared my space with another person, another man. It had been just me for a while and I was very much used to the concept of that. If I got upset with someone I was dating, I could just stop talking to them., I could get my space and retreat into my thoughts and be done.  And when I married the first time, that ol "I need space" thing used to work. My ex never fought me. Just left me alone..........and occupied his time with something or someone else.

I also realized that the ol "I need space/don't talk/retreat" tactic was something I saw my father do far too many times. It was cold. It was hurtful and it was unnecessary.  We truly do learn all the "crap" from our parents.

I can't do that now. Old habits have to die fast in something new....And I really shouldn't have to.

As I looked around my almost packed apartment, I realized I was transitioning. Size 15 shoes and XL shirts in my closet. A G Shock watch on the dresser. I started to laugh. God was like.."See.....look..you asked for this..so deal, chick!"

Look....it's true..I asked for this. I asked for someone to share this space with me. And here he was...wanting to share. Wanting to talk. and  I just wanted to be alone. It's a 1 bedroom..I cant be alone. And even if I had a mansion.....there is no such thing as "space". I could go away for the weekend. He could go to his "man cave"...regardless..we will have to be in each other's most valuable piece of real estate: our hearts. He's going to be there..24/7. HE is going to be there to argue..fuss..fight..and minister, support and laugh with me. That's his job. That's OUR job as a couple. We need to be in each other's space. It's how you do a "check" on if things are ok.

I realized then that space is just another word for "isolation". No one wants to be isolated in a relationship. It just doesn't work. I said "yes" to spending the rest of my life in his space.....I should allow him in mine, good or bad. He's the dude I want to rock with for the next 50 years or so.... He makes me laugh. I can talk to him about anything without  judgement... Why would I want space from that? He's my natural oxytocin.


There is no such thing as space in a marriage........no place for it.

So I am here for a little "crowding"............. :)

1 comment:

  1. That's a great message and one that most people don't get the benefit from hearing at all, never mind at a later point in life. So happy for you and this next step.

    ReplyDelete

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