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The Fairytale of the Faithful Man

I'm starting to believe that the idea of a completely "faithful" man is an absolute fairytale.


Most men in my life, uncles, cousins, and even my own father havent been faithful at all. My own ex husband was not faithful to me.  And up until I was a grown up, I thought my maternal grandfather was faithful..and he wasnt.  On a positive note, I can say he didnt make any outside kids! When my friends tell me they believe deep down their fathers have never cheated, I think they are foolish UNLESS their father came out and said "I DO NOT DO THAT!" otherwise...it's fair game to assume. I took an informal poll..and that was a very slim number of folks who felt their father's didnt cheat.  I didn't dare ask my married friends this. of if they think their husbands have cheated..most of them are living in La-La Candyland.....

After my marriage, I dealt with a man who was cheating on his wife..with me.  His reasons for doing so were SO DUMB and unbelievable and unlike most women, I just saw it for what it was. I wasnt too proud of that and it ended swiftly...but like I said..I dont know any men who dont cheat. Dudes I've dealt with post marriage..I never had a huge amount of faith in their fidelity (or their ability to be faithful), mostly because we weren't in "relationships". And even if we were, I doubt they'd be faithful. Even a girl as pretty as Janet Jackson gets cheated on...so no amount of looks, niceness, good cooking, money you have, and sex could make someone be true to you.


Are we to expect men to cheat..and keep rolling? Or should we allow them provisions to cheat? You know "rules" to cheating.(Now..this isnt to say wives dont cheat and stuff..but right now..we are talking about the biological nature of men..being hardwired to cheat). A guy friend of mine has been dating a girl for 2 years..almost 3 and wont propose. Not because he doesnt love her....he just doesnt know if he can be faithful for THAT long..as in the rest of his life  (He says he hasnt cheated...but he def has wanted to...)





I was on FB and I posted a few articles on marriage (I dunno..something about marriage was speaking to my spirit).and one was on "Letting your man cheat" to save your marriage..and my soror  said the following:



Honestly, with all the media stories of celebrities cheating plus average folks... I'm beginning to understand that people (mostly men) aren't hardwired to be monogamous. So, instead of going thru the drama of enduring lying and the heartbreak of finding out about cheating... if your relationship is more than sex, if he has sex with another (and can manage not to develop a mental/emotional connection) I might be okay with this. I'm looking at it practically and realistically with the skeletons of relationships past where I have been cheated on. What hurt me the most was the lying and the disrespect of me. Knowing about it takes a bit of that away. Some people will... read this and think women (or men) who agree to this have low self esteem. Some do, but I don't believe that it is the case for all women. It's definitely not for everybody. In a fashion, I believe that is the realest a couple could be with one another. Is it better to know on the front end or be surprised on the back end? There's no guarantee that dude wouldn't form an emotional connection anyway... but I think a long-term relationship would be a no-no. More like, okay you need to get your rocks off occasionally with someone who doesn't mean anything. You couldn't be boning your ex every week. No sir. I have bought into the Prince Charming/Cinderella format and I think Western culture has conditioned us to believe that a relationship has to be one particular way. (Not Prince Charming + Cinderella + Snow White + etc...) If we were born in a different part of the world our outlook on monogamy could be different...



I sat back and I could see where she was coming from. I am woman enough to admit I've grown up and no longer naive to think that. ...Are we fools to think that there are men who do not cheat out here? Are they heros? or are they just learned to supress everything deep down? Is that even healthy? Men are programmed to fuck everything in sight (that's biology)...should we be fools to think that monogamy is normal or goes against nature? Should we design marriages that are open...instead of "monogomous"? Should we give a man permission to cheat...as long as no babies or diseases come your way? Is it better if you KNOW about it? Heck..this morning on Steve Harvey..the Strawberry Letter was about having an open marriage, etc. Most of the people who were UNDER 30 told Steve he was out of touch with how things worked in new relationships. If it isnt sex..then it's talking, cybersex, phone sex, trading pictures.....it's all cheating.



This is an age old argument. But I guess..what Im saying is..I guess I just expect a man to cheat. I lightweight expected my husband to cheat..I just didnt think he'd do it so soon in the marriage. Hell..give me a few years and a few kids to run us crazy and then cheat.  Let me let myself go..and not care about my looks..THEN cheat. This is part of the reason a small part of me doesnt want to get married again..not to anyone. If all you are gonna do is hurt me...then why bother? I can be sad and miserable alone. Would I be ok with a fine, chocolate man..who loved me Monday-Friday..fucked a bitch on Saturday and it meant nothing..and held my hand in church and loved me on Sunday? Why oh why is fidelity (and TRUTH) so damn hard? Much harder for men...I'd say because they just arent wired to do so NOR has it been stressed as a GOOD thing. Much is still made of sexing every chick, getting a notch in your belt to prove your male bravado and stroke your ego. I still believe a lot of this is generational..a generational curse....generation upon generation of men..who cheat..make outside kids..will produce men..who do the same thing w/o consequences..because they didnt see any growing up. MEN do men sh*t....and cheating happens to be one of those things.

If, by some miracle on earth my ex and I were to get back together..am I to assume he'd cheat again ?(although he says he didnt in the first place....but we know I dont think that's even true). I'd drive myself nuts in the end. And despite his being a better person post divorced, I think me still may because there is always a chance. And I couldnt be upset...I brought it on myself..so why even go crazy over it. I am convinced..most women go crazy over a dude or some dude doing them wrong...(lol). I truly dont believe a man can cheat once and never cheat again.  Why cant one woman be enough?  It aint that much pussy in the world! You can try to be Lil Wayne and wish you could fuck every girl in the world..but you cant and won't. Perhaps I'm still sort of old-fashioned when it comes to the notion of relationships. Should I be more "modern" and hip to the times as the caller on Steve Harvey said?  I just want a guy to find me pretty 365/24/7....and wanna love me all those days....and not find me boring and wanna go out there and stray. OR just fall in some pussy, whether that pussy be predatory or voluntary. It's to the point now that I've given myself a "fail safe" in the event a guy cheats. I'll calmly look at him and go "Is this what you want to do?". He doesn't have to put on a show (I've seen that..it's tiresome). He doesnt have to cry and repent or swear he wont do it again. He doesnt have to fear me going off the deep end and ending up on Snapped. I wont leave. I wont do anything crazy. That's for kids. I'll get up and walk out and be numb. I've had the worst happen to me.  So whats the answer? Heck..do I start cheating too? *sigh*.It all get so fuzzy and crazy...then  again I just tend to overthink things...perhaps dealing with the opposite sex, for me, should be purely sexual and not emotional. Emotions make stuff all foggy.  I demand to be respected. I demand to be held and put on a pedastal w/ regards to fidelity. Doesnt mean I'll get it. So..does it give a dude carte blanche to cheat on me?  Am I allowing the forces of Satan to creep in? Or am I being realistic?  Maybe not..Maybe so...







Are we as women asking for too much when we ask for fidelity (esp when it comes to a marriage)?  Should we make provisions to cheat?

Comments

  1. Cheating only becomes a problem once you get caught.

    While its probably highly unlikely that men can be faithful its not impossible.
    It basically comes down to wants and needs. You may want to sow your oats but
    you need the balance of your family. When women forgive cheating or allow their
    mate to step out it makes it harder for him to fight the urge of his wants. When
    there are no consequences to be paid people will break the rules.

    Its like crime. If it wasn't for prison, there would be no order because we
    would all break the rules. I think if we as women become accepting to cheating
    mates we are opening the door for pandemonium. Sex leads to disease and out side
    kids. And goodness forbid he cheats with a woman who turns him out.... Bye bye
    forgiving mate.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mocha,

    I enjoyed reading this post based on two different reasons.

    1) I remember when your first stumbled across my blog and commented upon my Like This, Like That post where I basically revealed a great truth - men cheat, will cheat, in some form or fashion.

    It sucks, I know, but it's the reality of a relationship. Then again, I cannot really say that ALL men cheat. But I will say that pretty much every homeboy, friend, classmate, co-worker, relative, who are male, have cheated in one way or the other.

    Satan's powerful influence is a reality on Earth, period.


    And no I wouldn't want to see you began a pattern of cheating, either. You appear to be much better than that. Just stop giving the man your cobbler, and he will eventually understand the difference between a sugary snack and a rich dessert.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree with Karma - folks will get away with as much as you let them. That's just human nature, and it goes even beyond cheating.

    DH explained to me that he felt it wouldn't be worth it to cheat because of all that he would lose - in terms of his two boys, his home comforts, his money (as an attorney he knows first-hand just how divorced men end up making out post-divorce), and of course all the drama and headache it would cost. He was like it's definitely not worth effing some b*tch, because they talk and its a small world, etc, and it would likely come back around and then we'd (me and the girl, lol) be on the phone talking about it and everything. He said it just wouldnt be a good situation at all, so he doesnt even go there. *shrug* Maybe im naive to believe that but for now I do - i dunno, ignorance is bliss i guess. ;-)

    However, with that said, my sentiments about men and fidelity are similar to yours. While I dont agree with your soror in giving men a pass to do it, I can see why some people would see value in that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think all men cheat. I've also done and informal poll and there wasn't one man that told me he hasn't or isn't cheating on his mate. Even my own father has cheated. I think we live in times where it's almost acceptable. Women can say they won't stand for it but they do. They just don't broadcast it. Hmph, I bet the majority of your married friends have experience infedelity at some point or another. They just brush it under the rug with the hopes it doesn't happen again. I'd be naive to think my next mate won't cheat. I can't say that I will or will not allow it. I honestly don't know. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about the possiblity of being in an open relationship though.

    ReplyDelete

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