As my reach my full year of celibacy, I have been asked if I will have "causal" sex after this year is over. Meaning, will I be able to just have sex, minus the emotions. "Have sex like a man", they say. Just *fuck them and keep on moving*.... and surely I will have more fun. At this point, I am not sure if I will even want to stop the celibacy, let along jump in head first (pun intended) and dive in deep.
I've been told I will feel more liberated if I "'take all the pressure off" of it, all the expectations that I will be sharing a serious, life altering experience. Just "think like a man and do it". Divorce myself from the idea that sex creates a "soul tie"....and that if I think more like "Samantha" from Sex and the City, I will really enjoy my sex life.
While I appreciate them advocating for a "liberated sex-positive" stance, I don't know how comfortable I am with that. Furthermore, I am a bit miffed that women somehow think that all men can divorce themselves from emotion and just stick their penis where they please. "Ain't no love for them hoes"....sure... *blank stare*
I just refuse to believe that 99% of men are running around having sex like mindless androids. I really refuse. I believe that men have ..."feelings". I was recently told by a man that he couldn't just have sex with anyone...he had to have feelings for them...be into them.
You know what....I do actually believe him. Why? Because he had no reason but to be straight up with me when asked a direct question. I think we offend men by thinking that they are just robotic and automatic with their dicks. They aren't. There is a flesh and blood and THINKING and rational person attached to it, despite what the media, past relationships, or anything else may tell us.
Just like women...they too can feel empty if no emotion is involved. Just like women....they feel like they have to have a deeper connection to penetrate someone. And just like women...they realize that just "sticking and moving" gets pretty old pretty quickly, waking up with regrets is no fun. What if you are the woman, and just going around getting your freak on, and low and behold, you find that one treasure of a guy who actually connects to you deeper than your vagina? We may communicate differently but the human need for emotional attachment is universal and across gender lines.
I do believe in God. I do believe that sex is highly spiritual...Sex is a highly tender moment of vulnerability. You are naked in ever sense of the word, stripped down to the way God made you. Why wouldn't you want to, in that moment, have some kind of emotional rawness with the person who you are allowing to enjoy your physical presence?
I am struggling. I feel like Analog Girl in a Digital World when it comes to sex sometimes. Sometimes I wanna go fast. Sometimes I wanna go slow. I do wear my heart on my sleeve in the worst way. Sometimes I want to hid everything and be impenetrable (ha...the irony..LOL) And most of all, I don't want to get hurt. I feel like this whole "sex w/ no emotion" movement is in response to deeper hurts that people have, male or female. But especially women.......
I am not sure I can go on living my life f*cking like a man..
...especially if I want to love (and be loved) like a woman.