Skip to main content

One and Done

According to a joint Morehouse and Howard University study, 73% of black women WILL be married at least once by age 35. It's a statistic that most overlook during this whole "poor black women cant find a man" media blitz that seems to plague my generation. It truly does give women hope (now whether they remain married is about the same as the national average... of 61%).

However...

I'm 32.

I'm divorced.


So does this mean I already had my "at least one time"?

Thanksgiving with my family since the divorce has further highlighted that this may be a possibility.  My little cousins, all grown men and women, now have their own families. Some are married. Some are not. Some are with long term partners. Some have "baby daddies"and are doing it solo.

But I was supposed to be the "ideal" one in my family: Educated, Pretty, Career Minded. I had the husband and the big fancy wedding to prove it. I had the house. Family holidays were a no-brainer. We were it. We had it...


Had it...


Now at the almost 3 year divorced mark, I'm faced with the possibility that what I once had..will be the only time I have it. It sounds bleak...but...there is a certain peace at times at the thought.

I can be that cool Aunt/Older Cousin that gives bomb gifts on the holidays, sneaks a kid some wine, and laughs at talks of their first kiss.
I can go to all the recitals and stuff, and even offer to chaperon.
I can be the cool one who haves slumber parties, shopping sprees and "tea" on Saturday w/ my favorites.
I can travel the Globe on the holidays...and not have to worry about if we have the money to pay the rent, if the car will get repossessed,  splitting in between in-laws who don't like me no way, or if he'll really want to spend that day with someone else.
In case of not getting married, Ive made alternative arrangements...from finance to personal.

It all sounds fine and dandy.....

Until...

My little chubby cherub of a 2nd cousin, jumps in my arms and I tickle her and laugh and she decides to whisper an inaudible secret to me, as her chubby chocolate hands grip my face. She runs off and jumps in her father's arms and giggles some more. I see my Uncle sneak his wife a kiss and say something a little naughty....and my Grandmother is there, admiring the generations that she spawned....

And I realize I can't lie to myself... I do want that .I realize that I am here. Not alone but alone for the 3rd year in a row. What should have been wasn't. And while I have made peace with that, it doesn't make it any easier.

I'd love to get married again and possibly have a family. But age, time and (perhaps) race isnt on my side. So..the word "remarriage" and "35" may not go together

Ok..I know I have a ways to go before I am 35...but it isn't that far away.

Could I be a "one and done" girl? Ot should I quit while I'm ahead?


...to be continued.

Comments

  1. Goodness, has it been 3 years?

    Nah, you're not cut out to be a "one and done girl." He's out there.... he's looking right now too. Its just gonna be a matter of ya'all finding each other. That's the challenge.

    Think about Charlotte. She thought she was "one and done" after her divorce from Tre. Then she found love in the most unexpected, and unconventional, place/package. Same with my mom, and countless others. (Although i'm pretty sure it'll happen sooner for you than my mom, etc).

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stastics are just that Stastics...and there are so many out there about black women..I say live your life the way you want and ENJOY every single journey..sometimes life doesn't begin until after 35:-) I loved the way you put this post together too!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I believe Maurette Brown Clark said it best:

    "I know the odds looked stacked against you...

    but it ain't over until God says it's over..."

    Just trying to make you smile. Anyway, I believe you can obtain whatever you prefer. Unless black men are no longer wanting good, smart, down to Earth black women.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well the devil is a lie cause I am 35 and still holding on to my dreams of marriage and kids. I survived the holidays with only a few fam mbrs asking about my dating life (non existent that is). I even found out this guy from college (a Dr I might add) who always had eyes for me got married earlier this month and that one of my cousins is prg with TWINS (I am obsessed with having twins) but I am still holding out hope that my mr right my prince charming is still out there.

    I cosign Mrs Pancake this post was put together very well! Bravo

    ReplyDelete
  5. So because I'm 33 and will be 35 in less than 2 years, I'm assed out? Actually, I have really no desire to get married. For what? We can be happy together, with a will, Joint Tenants in common with rights of survivorship and an insurance policy!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
*sigh*
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.

But..…