*In this weekly (ok I hope weekly) summer blog series Red Flags, we will be talking about some critical red flags in relationships that perhaps will make your ears perk up and your eyes bug out a little. These are little warning signs that perhaps you need to take heed of and proceed with caution before you go any further. Speaking from experience, these somewhat ring true*
You and your main squeeze are out at the park enjoying a leisurely afternoon. You are strolling and holding hands and being so in love. You sit on a bench and look across and see a mother with her baby. You smile, having fleeting and romantic thoughts of you and your main squeeze bounced a bundle of brown joy on his knee. You look over at your honey and he frowns “Ugh…I pray that kid doesn’t start crying”. You frown…”But it’s a baby...it’s supposed to cry”. He goes “I can’t deal with all that crying”.
You start to notice more and more how your sweetie isn’t too fond of kids. He makes comments about how noisy a restaurant is when a kid may just be giggling or talking. You comment on how cute a pair of little girls are and he goes “I hope they don’t start acting up” or you see a cute newborn and he goes “They look like some weird alien rats. You comment you need to go pick up a baby shower gift for a friend and he goes “Jesus...kids are a festering money pit”. Or worse, he makes fun of a kid with an obvious handicap or physical/mental disability.
**insert soul-stirring shudder**
Well sista...Before you throw away the condoms and birth control pills and start a baby registry…you might want to reel it all back in. The fantasies of 2.5 kids may not be HIS fantasy. Believe it or not, everyone doesn’t get bit by the “fatherhood/motherhood” bug no matter how old they may be. Some people find children, dare I say, repulsive. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be tied down with the responsibilities that raising a child entails. Or, dude could just be an utter and repulsive assclown who has no business procreating because he’s a dick. Nevertheless…
Have you even talked about this? About how you feel about having kids? What if, by some reason, that birth control fails and you are now pregnant? What do you do then? Do you think he’d by the type to rejoice, or ultimately, the kind of guy that would think you trapped him? Would be at every appointment or just say “call me if something happens”? Would he willingly pay child support or be like “B*tch…I’m not giving you a dime”.
I think once a relationship progresses, a couple should talk about children. To be honest, you need to have this conversation WAY before you engage in your first sexual encounter (cause sh*t can and does happen). If one party or the other is strongly against kids or is simply on the fence, and you strongly want children, no matter the levels of compatibility, this fundamental fallacy will ruin your relationship. How can you go forward in a relationship knowing the two of you want different things? And if one compromises for the other, in either way, then it could be your undoing as a couple.
Speaking from personal experience, I’m 32 years old and almost at the “biological downturn” of my fertility swing (if you let the doctors tell it). When I hit 30, a lightbulb went off like “IT”S TIME!!” So basically, I have 3 good years to not be in the “high risk” category. So…I have no time to waste playing the “guessing game” with a guy. I ask straight up “Do you want children?? Do you want to get married?” Now, that may be a little forward and takes the fun out of dating, but I’m dating with a mission and a purpose. And that purpose is to get knocked up and be a wife (not necessarily in that order, now). Sometimes someone can be MADE to be a great father, but the exceptional father (or mother) is a natural or just naturally warm to the idea. You're not asking for a "baby whisperer"/miracle worker...just someone who finds joy in children.
I say all of this to say: If a guy says less than favorable things about children or acts quite nonchalant when the subject is brought up, even casually, then it may not be a match made in Babies-R-Us heaven. This may very well be a red flag. There is someone out there who wants the same things you do, such as having a family.
And you won’t have to compromise to get it.