I received a valuable life lesson today from my good friend...my sister..M. She’s wise beyond her years (she’s just a few years younger than me honestly) but I’ve always viewed her as a baby sister of sorts…that’s how it is. Sometimes a child (in the metaphorical sense) shall lead you.
Well…lately I’ve felt like I feel have an impending heartbreak coming. What seemed like it would be magical may just go down in flames and I don’t know if I can handle it. I mean, I’ve been divorced and to compare this is truly nothing. Yet that doesn’t negate the pain. The inevitable ending of a possibility. The person drawing back. The person ignoring you. The person realizing they have a better option than you. The person realizing that this just won't fit into their life..their time..or their schedule.
I saw myself possibly LOVING this person. And I don’t use that term lightly. There seems to be some distance. Some tension. Some uncertainty. And I have no reason why. I don’t know if my heart will actually break. But right now…it seems like I see some fine, hairline cracks. The kind you’d see in some old stained glass in a church window. Something is tugging at me. My heartstrings are tense..not totally broken.
I expressed this to my friends, and my little sister, M, says:
“It’s not cracked…just stretching”.
I sat there for a minute and was like..”Huh?” Me being the wise, older person should have gotten that right away.
She went on to say:
so i had some time to think on this "stretching" theory of mine. Stretching hurts and when something stretches space is created and that can make you feel like there's a void or emptiness, or it can be a sign of increased capacity... also stretching is indication of some level of elasticity, too and i take that to be a good thing. so what i'm saying is... you're right, your heart is not breaking. i think it's stretching. i think that after your divorce (which was not like lifetimes ago, it was only 3 years ago) your heart might have hardened and you're getting back out there and it's HARD. don't let anyone ever tell you it's like riding a bike or getting back on a horse... opening your heart is HARD. you don't just fall off, get a band-aid, or ride safer with a helmet. and so now, with some new experiences, your heart is stretching and i don't know what else to say about the process, but the Bible does say to guard your heart, so i would just lil' sis some advice and say that even while it's stretching and it seems like there's all this space for all these new feelings, be cautious because when something is being stretched, it's vulnerable.
As I sat and read her words, tears fell from my eyes. Granted I had had a few beers on my patio listening to Fantasia’s “Bittersweet”, but I just knew she was on point. I am trying to be vulnerable. I have no idea how to be out there with a heart that was hard. So maybe what I am feeling, this stretching is a good thing. This uncomfortable feeling that is akin to trying to break in some new shoes..I’m trying to break in a new heart. I’m stretching to make room for love. For something that will allow me to be my authentic self. I do want to be in love. I want a very passionate yet fulfilling relationship. I want to not sit here and question myself or who I am. Yes, I must learn to date again..but it doesn’t and shouldn’t be this damn hard.
Cracked…maybe. Broken…no. But stretching..most certainly.