(Audience): Hello TheMochaPeach, Welcome! You are in a safe space to share!
Me: Ok. Truth is. I am not addicted to love. I'm addicted to NOT loving.
(Audience): *looking with confused faces*
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Yeah, I am not addicted to love. I am addicted to NOT loving. Let me explain...
Yeah, I am not addicted to love. I am addicted to NOT loving. Let me explain...
I'm one tough egg to crack, so to speak. When I was young, I really and truly only had a few boyfriends before my ex husband. And the break ups were so dramatic and crazy, I just built up a resistance to love, vulnerability or tenderness. When I met my ex husband, I thought I would be able to relax, become vulnerable, and love freely. That was great for a while...then here again came the hurt and pain. Once again, I built up a shell around my love No one has been able to penetrate my heart since.
I've been divorced for almost 3 years. In that time, I've done a lot of soul searching, terrible dating, and even some therapy. I realize why I'm so cold and aloof. It all goes back to my "dad". I hate to sound like the a-typical girl with Daddy issues (but hey..we ALL got em. Either Daddy is the worst...or Daddy is perfect and no one can measure up). Well, my dad is the absolute worst. And because of our fractured realtionship, that first relationship that should be the positive model for all relationships you have with men, I have been unable to really let me guard down, be vulnerable and love freely. Not to mention, I often attract those same douchy, narcissitic assholes that my Dad is. (In my ex's defense, he wasn't narcissitic by a long shot. We just had our own differences. He'll be the first to admit, he came into it with his own "Mama" issues. But..that is neither here nor there).
Post divorce, I've noticed I've ran off every nice guy intentionally, quickly branding them as some sort of "liar" and deciever so I wouldnt get hurt in the long run. The "not loving"...is just a lot easier. Soon as I found that I cared or started to care TOO much or started to get excited, I checked myself, reverting back to the "ice queen" I was accustomed to being, and probably drove them away. I was mean for no apparent reason other than I needed SOME excuse to get rid of dude. Why stick around for the hurt and pain?
I'm learning now that being "cold and aloof" when in reality I just want some human contact sends mixed signals. That isn't fair.. Someone recently told me that I had to "look at each person with a fresh set of eyes". It's true. Everyone doesnt have the same Relationship DNA and I can't blame them for that or prejudge them. Every guy isn't my Dad...every relationship isn't going to go down in flames. I just need to enjoy it for what it is at the moment...and not sweat it when it doesn't turn out the way I had anticipated. Or better yet, BETTER than I anticipated.
So somehow, I need to go into rehab for this "non-loving" nature that I have. I hide it just as well as any crack addict would. On the surface I look so sweet, kind and good natured. Ready and willing to love you to the depths of your soul.... But deep inside harbors this mad woman who is a cold, aloof, and distant lover. I meet a guy and it all goes well...until my little secret starts seeping out. Then the wrath is unleashed, leaving the guy bewildered and confused like.."What just happened?? We were good a few days ago??"
*sigh*...no one said loving ME was easy (or perfect). But lord knows I want to try to make it easier.....
The insight you have into your own "issues" with men is incredible. It takes many people years and years and years of soul searching (plus expensive) therapy to come to terms with what you are able to so comfortably acknowledge. I respect that a lot. You are right, we have ALL got our issues... but many of us aren't able to admit them. I think your awareness is what's going to help you work thru them, and melt that ice. :-)
ReplyDeleteGood post!