Skip to main content

(Non) Lovers Anonymous

Me: Hello. My name is TheMochaPeach. And I am addicted...to love.


(Audience): Hello TheMochaPeach, Welcome! You are in a safe space to share!


Me: Ok. Truth is. I am not addicted to love. I'm addicted to NOT loving.


(Audience): *looking with confused faces*

****
Yeah, I am not addicted to love. I am addicted to NOT loving. Let me explain...


I'm one tough egg to crack, so to speak.  When I was young, I really and truly only had a few boyfriends before my ex husband. And the break ups were so dramatic and crazy, I just built up a resistance to love, vulnerability or tenderness. When I met my ex husband, I thought I would be able to relax, become vulnerable, and love freely. That was great for a while...then here again came the hurt and pain. Once again, I built up a shell around my love No one has been able to penetrate my heart since.

I've been divorced for almost 3 years. In that time, I've done a lot of soul searching, terrible dating, and even some therapy.  I realize why I'm so cold and aloof. It all goes back to my "dad". I hate to sound like the a-typical girl with Daddy issues (but hey..we ALL got em. Either Daddy is the worst...or Daddy is perfect and no one can measure up). Well,  my dad is the absolute worst. And because of our fractured realtionship, that first relationship that should be the positive model for all relationships you have with men, I have been unable to really let me guard down, be vulnerable and love freely. Not to mention, I often attract those same douchy, narcissitic assholes that my Dad is. (In my ex's defense, he wasn't narcissitic by a long shot. We just had our own differences. He'll  be the first to admit, he came into it with his own "Mama" issues. But..that is neither here nor there).

Post divorce, I've noticed I've ran off every nice guy intentionally, quickly branding them as some sort of "liar" and deciever so I wouldnt get hurt in the long run. The "not loving"...is just a lot easier. Soon as I found that I cared or started to care TOO much or started to get excited, I checked myself, reverting back to the "ice queen"  I was accustomed to being, and probably drove them away. I was mean for no apparent reason other than I needed SOME excuse to get rid of dude. Why stick around for the hurt and pain?

I'm learning now that being "cold and aloof" when in reality I just want some human contact sends mixed signals. That isn't fair.. Someone recently told me that I had to "look at each person with a fresh set of eyes". It's true. Everyone doesnt have the same Relationship DNA and I can't blame them for that or prejudge them. Every guy isn't my Dad...every relationship isn't going to go down in flames. I just need to enjoy it for what it is at the moment...and not sweat it when it doesn't turn out the way I had anticipated. Or better yet, BETTER than I anticipated.

So somehow, I need to go into rehab for this "non-loving" nature that I have.  I hide it just as well as any crack addict would. On the surface I look so sweet, kind and good natured. Ready and willing to love you to the depths of your soul.... But deep inside harbors this mad woman who is a cold, aloof, and distant lover. I meet a guy and it all goes well...until my little secret starts seeping out. Then the wrath is unleashed, leaving the guy bewildered and confused like.."What just happened?? We were good a few days ago??"

*sigh*...no one said loving ME was easy (or perfect). But lord knows I want to try to make it easier.....

Comments

  1. The insight you have into your own "issues" with men is incredible. It takes many people years and years and years of soul searching (plus expensive) therapy to come to terms with what you are able to so comfortably acknowledge. I respect that a lot. You are right, we have ALL got our issues... but many of us aren't able to admit them. I think your awareness is what's going to help you work thru them, and melt that ice. :-)

    Good post!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dating and the Dark-Skinned Girl

Often times in the circle of close bloggers, who become friends, we get into debates (albeit friendly ones) but debates nonetheless. I happened to be on my "private" blog site reading a dear friend's blog. I love her to death and she's been like a big sister to me, helping me through my divorce as a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. And although I've never met her in person...I do consider her a friend (that may sound strange to most..but it isnt to bloggers!) She's a gorgeous Black and Mexican woman..living in southern Cal and raising her teenage son amazingly! I was reading her blog...and came across this:

Ok..just a random thought... What is with the expression "LSLH?" Because it's usually used in a negative way, I'm offended by it.It irks me to no end! I mean, does it make us less of a black women because we have lighter skin and long hair? So when I read blogs or websites that use that expression, I think it's sad. So what if I&…

The "Fleece Johnson" Guide to Dating

I am not sure if any of you saw the recent Boondocks where they spoofed prison culture and gayness. Well....if you haven't...here is a little clip of where they got their inspiration from. Fleece Johnson...the Booty Warrior... So yeah...Fleece is a little crazy..but we are about to roll with thiis for a minute. I am about to take the "Fleece Johnson" no holds barred approach to dating. If I see a dude it's going down  like this: I likes ya I wants ya We can do this the easy way Or the hard way....your choice. Now..Fleece might be talking about gay men and booty warrior and "hornin". But..I'm talking about taking the same approach to men. If I see a dude I want..I WANT HIM. Imma have him. We can play games and bullshit and do it the hard way...OR we can do it the easy way...you give in to me and my desires (and yours)..and be happy. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have to do dumb sh*t to work for a good woman? Or take an easy approach with the sam…

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex operator...my job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…