Skip to main content

I Had to Miserably Fail at Love

... to love someone better.

I was listening to the new Marsha Ambrosious and her remake of L. Boogie's "Lose Myself" is about as poetic a song as ever and spoke so much to me.


**Disclaimer: I'm not in love. Not by a LONG shot**

But I took the lyrics to mean so much more than actually "losing yourself in love", falling in love and being hurt to actually love someone better. I took it to mean that I had to be an ABSOLUTE FAILURE in love to love someone better. I mean, what greater failure of love is a DIVORCE. I can't imagine that kind of pain happening to me again. I am relatively young woman. To be divorced twice, I can't even and don't want to imagine.

As I enter a new phase in my dating/relationship life (and another year of life, God willing), I know that the pain of my divorce has made me a better lover in the emotional sense. If you release it [pain], you can receive it [love].  There is a beauty in that. I'm grateful for having gone through the fire and came out fashioned better. Not harder. Not bitter. Not colder.

And perhaps someone will reap the benefits of this struggle.

My friends say they "admire my strength". I feel it's nothing to admire. It is just a woman doing what she had to do given the circumstances of life. I'm not martyr. I am not poster child for how divorce can be life-transforming. I'm just living the best way I know how.

Now in addition to living, I'm opening myself at the possibilities of loving (or at least caring).

And that....is a WIN indeed :)

Comments

  1. Well I think with your positive attitude, anything is possible! I guess as they say, what doesn't break us makes us stronger... and better. And you're living proof of that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've never heard of the song, but I have heard of the artist. Not a fan, though I believe this to be a good rendition.

    I too have friends and family that claim to admire my strength. Like yourself, I hear 'em, yet I hardly understand the admiration.

    Just a brother trying hard to survive and enjoy life, regardless of whatever obstacles are thrown into my path and direction.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not a fan of Marsha?? WHAT DON! Unreal..she's amazing!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love Marsha's version of this! All the best as you find your love.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
*sigh*
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…

I Had Hope For Other Hair: Confessions in Black Motherhood

I had hoped for other hair...
(My Little One Reading a Book Before Bed)

... for my daughter.

No, I didn't want her to have "good hair"... hair that ebbed and flowed close to the weight of Whiteness. I didn't want that for her.  I didn't want her to have hair that was deemed "managable" or "a good grade". as if you can give hair letter grades or grade it on a curve.

I just wanted her to have any hair other than MY hair. She inherited my hair. And I cried.

When I found out I was having a girl, anxiety was replaced with dread. "Dear God.. I have to learn how to do hair". See, growing up, my mother was my stylist, even way into high school. So in between salon visits, she would relax or press my hair. She'd style it or comb it. And I never worried about it. I tried and tried to do my own hair... and failed. The only style I could keep up were Brandy-inspired box braids (which some poor, Senegalese woman would do for hours) or a very sho…