In boxing, the "corner man" is almost as key an element to a boxer winning the fight as is a nice upper cut or jab. He's the man that gives the boxer encouragement and often times instruction between rounds. Sometimes he's the "cut man"- putting the salve on the wounds of battle allowing you to fight another day, applying the ice packs and reducing the swelling from the pain. The corner man also tells you when to throw in the towel, when the pummeling is too much and the fight isn't fair.
In life as in boxing, you need a corner man.
Right now I am in my almost full month of PhD studies. I will admit, shit has not been easy. I got a pretty low grade on my first homework and often times I feel lost in a crowd in class. I am the only black person in my classes. Because I have to miss work to go to class, I make up those hours by extended my free days almost an extra 2 hrs (So I'm at work almost 12 hrs a day). I'm not sleeping. I eat sporadically. I am getting chubby and my slacks are telling the story to my thighs. I even got sick last week (I'm still sick actually) and missed a day of both work and class..and was thrown by it all. I feel like Dory and I keep telling myself "just keep swimming" .Above all else, when I come home....there is dead silence.
But anyway..back to what I was saying...
I thought about what Dr. Cutie (Remember him) said to me on our one and only meeting: "During this Phd, you are going to need a loving, supportive partner." Now..he could have been saying that to make me wet and get in my pants..but he was right. It's the little things, you know? *sigh*. I come home and I realize I need to clean..but I am too tired. I realize that I need to vent...or "release some tension"..and I cant. I realize I need someone to bounce ideas off of...and I just stare into space. I want to start dinner but I'm to tired to fix my plate. I want to be held and my feet hurt...so instead I get the foot spa and wrap up in my down comforter. Dishes are still in my sink from this morning. I forgot to set the DVR for my fav shows to watch later. Sometimes I just wanna take my mind off of it and take the pain away. Sometimes I just wanna talk. Sometimes I just wanna listen. Where is my corner man?
I want to be in love. Right now the loves of my life are school, my new MacBook Pro, and my mother (not in that order of course). My uncle's church is about to pull up the rear as I am gearing up to get more involved in Church (BUT..to be fair...I'm NOT about to be one of those single women who feel like the church is my substitute for a man)
It made me realize that I don't know if I can or will ever feel that love again. But I want to be loved and thought about and I NEED a loving, supportive partner (besides my mother...god bless her). I'm almost 4 weeks into school and I realize already I don't have that. That void is very real. I have friends who have done JD, MD, MBA, Ed.D, PhD and other rigorous programs...and they said it helped to have that person by their side...their corner man. This isn't to say the "corner man" did a bunch of domestic things. Above all else, he/she was that supporter. Your number #1 cheerleader. And with school being what it is...don't expect me to find that person during school hours (my program is full of women, white women, lesbians, and nerdy white guys) or after school so that makes it tough. I'm consumed with reading and writing and staying above water. Not to mention..I had 6 good reasons last week as to why dating may not work for me. I know what you are thinking? "How you gonna say you don't want to date..but you want someone to support your efforts?" I know...I know. I never professed to be perfect. I'm flawed. On the flip side, I have a contingency of folks saying "All that's gonna do is distract you from your goals" or "you need to focus on you".... I disagree. Do I become a hermit in the name of scholarship? Or do I look for that "corner man" to help me make it through?