Skip to main content

Ask The MochaPeach: My Heart, His Heart, and His "Cooties"

In this installment of Ask TheMochaPeach, a reader asks a difficult and delicate subject. What would YOU do if faced with this situation?

Dear TheMochaPeach,

First off, I love your blog girl. I've been a fan for a REALLY long now I have the courage to actually write you. I have a serious matter over here. I've been dating a guy for a minute now. We get along great. He's sweet, kind and has manners. He is sexy as all hell. Let me stress that he's VERY fine. No..FIONE. We've been taking it kinda slow so we haven't rushed into sex...but we've made out a lot. Heavy petting, kissing, fondling..but no sex. Well...last week..we went to romantic dinner and he said he had something "serious" to talk to me about. I was like.."Oh boy..he wants to break up or something.". He started off by saying he cares about me...he wants to be totally honest with me..and doesn't want to lose me. He's never hid anything from me (which is true) and he doesn't want to start.  Then he drops the bombshell on me...."Well..I have Herpes so before we take it to the next level..I wanted to tell you"  I sat there stunned. I mean...I never dated a guy with any kind of STD and this is freaking me out. He tried to assure me that his case was mild (whatever that means).  Well..ever since he told me, Ive been sorta backing away from him. I resist his touch and kisses. I wont call him back.  HE keeps asking me "whats wrong"...and I wont tell him cause that sh*t is freaking me out and I just need time to process if I wanna stay or go. He's such a good guy to me. And I appreciate the honesty but I dunno. I've always practiced safe sex so this is a shocker.  What do I do? What would YOU do?


My Heart OR His Cooties.


Dear "My Heart or His Cooties":

First of all, can I just say thanks for the letter! IT was SO BRAVE of you to write this. Secondly, Let me give a hand clap of praise to the BROTHER in this situation. *standing ovation*  OMG...that took GUTS for him to be honest and forthright about his condition with you. Think about many guys would just let you catch some shit and NOT tell you they had anything. How many men take the CHOICES away from you?  Not disclosing diseases? Not disclosing marital statuses? Not disclosing if they have children?? this man is rare indeed. With that said, let's dig right into the issue.

First, let's talk a little about Herpes *putting on my nerdy L-Boogie glasses and pulling up the CDC site* . You seem like you are a woman of good health, practice safe sex and all and haven't been exposed to anything like that....OR HAVE YOU??? Truth is, most people with something like herpes have no symptoms sometimes. One in five Americans have genital herpes (yet at least 80 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it). Furthermore, you can get genital herpes even if your partner shows no signs of the infection.  And if you've had a cold sore, my dear, then you have had herpes.  (And the oral herpes cold-sore is often the reason for transmission of it to the genital area because about 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (cold sores).). If you have had CHICKEN POX, then you have been exposed to a form of herpes. And sadly, Genital herpes infection also is more common among African Americans (45.9%) than among White Caucasian (17.6%).  So we get the sh*tty end of the statistics when it comes to STI/STD infection rates.   But there is HOPE! Just like a cold sore, genital herpes is quite manageable. With drugs such as Valtrex, Zovirex (a topical cream) and Acyviclor, this is VERY managble. Taken daily (if herpes is that bad),  transmission rates are damn near lowered to nothing (not totally) and you can resume a NORMAL sex life which includes anal, oral, and vaginal sex. Touching is fine and learning to KNOW the symptoms of an outbreak and avoiding sex is key (and I am sure your partner wouldn't put you at risk for anything like that..given his honesty).  Furthermore, there seems to be some research about a new vaccine being developed. Herpes is centuries this is progressive news.

Now, I know you didn't want to hear all of these statistics, but you needed to know, sista! TRUST coulda been worse. He coulda said he had HIV or another disease that wasn't curable but DEADLY. Herpes isn't going to kill you. Now, if I had to spin the wheel of STD roulette, I'd be hoping I'd land on herpes or something I can get a shot for and not the awful death of HIV. A little discomfort every few months..(or even once a year) isn't as bad as suffering lifelong, not being able to give blood, etc. Trust me... And the fact that the man has waited, not rushed into sex also says a lot. He coulda got your love candy and BOUNCED..and the first time you turned up itching and burning you woulda called him all kinds of dirty, filthy liars. Which situation would you rather have? Knowing the risks upfront? Or being duped at the end?

I know this is a whole lot for you to process. Only you can say if you can deal with this. But the man seems to be a good guy. He's being upfront. He apparently cares about you. He hasn't rushed into sex...THEN you said he's fine? Chile please! *OchoCinco voice*.  You have to look at the bigger picture. I know it seems scary but just pray about it. See if it's something you can deal with. But in the meantime, tell the man: "Look..this is a lot for me to process. Can I have sometime to think about it?" And if he's as good as you say he is, he'll give you time to think about it, continue to not rush into sex, and be patient. BUT..don't leave the man in limbo. Say a firm YES or NO as to whether you can deal with this or not. And def don't spurn his affection such as a kiss or hug. You cant catch it from a hug (lol). And he probably needs that hug badly. He's shared a lot with you right now. He was open, honest and put it all on the line...

And in the end, honesty IS always the best policy, isn't it?

Stay strong, sista! And Happy Lovemaking! :)


  1. This may have been the realest sh*t I've ever read! Great advice. He was brave to tell her. Like you said most men would have hit it and acted as if you gave it to them. Sad but true fact that there are a lot of people out there with STDs such as herpes, HPV and so on. It's not a death sentences it just the society we live in, hell! Now that HIV/AIDS, yeah I'll pass on that. Actually I'd rather have none of them but sh*t does happen. She has a very hard decision in front of her.

  2. I have two girlfriends from college who have Herpes their partners had cold sores and let's say took a trip downtown and there you have it. I never knew you could get Herpes like that. I also didn't know you could be born w/a certain strain of the virus as well until recently.

    Good Luck to the writer.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.


The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…