4...is the magic number.....
4. So far....it has been almost 4 months since I've been intimate in ANY way with someone. And I purely just fell into it by accident. But now, I don't think celibacy (or abstinence...really that's what it is...celibacy is for monks...) is such a bad thing.
It's not like I was having it on the regular. It's not like it was all that good when I did get it. It was hit or miss, really. It's not like I cared about these dudes (well really..THIS dude) or was in love. They (he) certainly didn't love me. despite my attempts at being open, honest, and sweet. I don't even remember my last powerful and honest orgasm. Actually, I found out through the magic of Facebook that the dude I had been seeing had a girlfriend all along. It was a little twinge of pain...........but it just made my break even more needed. I needed to be shocked into reality. Lesson learned. I have no desire to fake an orgasm (lol)..or sweat my makeup off. or r break out lingerie with too many bells and whistles for a joker who won't be around for breakfast. I have a vibrator sitting under my bathroom sink just collecting dust..and I spent a pretty penny on it. Oh well....batteries just won't cut it this time.
So...I'm on a break......
..a penis break......
a " be a modern woman and start looking" break...
a "be a biblical woman and WAIT for him" break....
a "maybe you need to expand your options" break...
a "maybe you have TOO many requirements" break...
a "READING pop culture books on relationships" break...
a "talking"...break..
a "not talking" break
a "wondering why????" break...
a "waiting by the phone" break....
a "going out and having dudes say stupid sh*t to me" break..
a "hook up" break..
a "dating website/networking outing masquerading as a professional outing when it's really about dating" break....
for a FULL YEAR. I am going to give it until my 32nd birthday (March 28, 2011) to see if I can hold out. If Pepa can do it for 4 years, I certainly can do it for a year. I mean...I've gone YEARS without sex...and seeing as thought I was a late bloomer to some in that arena anyway (I was a virgin till I was almost 19 years old)...surely I can hold out a year. I've done it before.... *shrug*
I'm on a SERIOUS sabbatical from all things with an XY chromosome, a penis and facial hair........... Do not come near me. This is so hard because I find men (especially black men...men of color)..FIONE. If Adam Rodriguez came up to me in a club, I may find it a little hard pressed...then again...when I tell guys I'm single and now celibate,......I get the crazy responses.
When I tell guys I am on "penis sabbatical" they either laugh or don't believe I can hold out (these are men that know my sexual nature....not necessarily have slept with me). They must not know I have patience and will power, despite my love of sex. If I say no..I mean now. I told my frat brother (yes..the same one that has appeared here several times...) I was on a "celibacy" break.. He and I have this attraction to each other I feel is probably palpable. But...he kinda laughed and was like.."Man...Mocha...I'm a rat bastard...for real...you deserve so much better...you are too good for me... BUT if you wanna cash in a "coochie coupon"...I mean we can do the damn thing...
In other words..you wanna bone me with no emotional, spiritual, ties and using that lame ass excuse of "you are too good..I don't deserve you". If one more ninja says that to me I'm slicing and dicing......... SUCH a lame excuse! (hence my short little open letter blog the other day!) SPARE ME,B*TCH! I'm gonna focus on me....I'm SO DONE! I have school to worry about..my finances..my job..my weight..my family....a lot more important things right now..I dunno...I've changed a lot.
Where my heart used to be...there is a block of cold, hard ice...I tried...I really did...to not have it form there. Not bitter...just..............indifferent..which I think is WORSE. I pray that the indifference I feel doesn't last. I think that hurts worse than pain. I think it just makes you numb and impervious to feelings. You sit there as though you are not affected which really means you DO have some emotional wounds...they are just scabbed over. I, however, do not wanna be my Aunt...who hasn't been with a man in 9 years...that's almost a decade. Right now a year...(MAYBE 2..but that's pushing it) will be just fine.
I've set my goals for myself in the relationship and sex area VERY high. I got a taste for LOBSTER AND CAVIAR served on a diamond and platinum platter.....I'm tired of getting served imitation crab meat on a garbage can lid.............
I'm trying to prepare for "fine dining"....white table cloth, platinum rimmed plate and Tiffany flatware service.
I deserve it.
I think the abstinence thing is a good idea! I know personally I find that my head is a lot clearer when it's not clouded with the drama that too often accompanies intimacy with a man.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI have been a follow of your blog for a little while now and I have experienced the same that you have. My magic number is 1, it has been 1 month for me. I have decided to just focus on more importance ( Me )! I have done it before for a year and another time for 2 years. It has been harder this go around because I am older and I am in my prime, lol! I will be writing about it in my blog as well. It is great and congrats on your 4! You can do it, it will help you help yourself. Your frat brother need to retire that lame excuse. Talk to you soon....
Penis sabbatical. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteI like this post. I've heard the same thing from more than a few of my female friends although they weren't as articulate in their definition. You appear to be an intelligent sista who understands herself to the point where it can/will benefit you in the long run. No sense in fucking just to be fucking I suppose.
All the things you speak of ...finances, employment, weight, family are definitely more important than sleeping with people who you're not THAT into.
a "be a biblical woman and WAIT for him" break.... I wish you and all inclined women the best.