Skip to main content

If We Had Meddling Mothers...

I was reflecting more on the plight of the African American community and our lack of healthy, whole families. I, too, realize I am part of the problem. I’m a statistic.. But…I digress.

My friend Cee told me something earlier this week about how other cultures make it their duty, their obligation, to make sure that their kids find a mate. Her example was about the Jewish community and how mother’s (and fathers too) are vigilant about finding a mate for their child. If they don’t, they feel that they are a failure as a parent (and sometimes as grandparents). And aside from communities that participate in arranged marriages, there are other cultures that take it upon themselves to find their kids a mate. She was also saying that Asian parents search tirelessly in their communities for a mate. They stop at nothing and ask everyone if they have a free cousin/brother/sister/neice/nephew/grandson/granddaughter/godchild that is single and available as a partner for their child.

We don’t do that in our community. (In Africa...yes...In America/UK…not so much). Often times, we find that our mothers and fathers are “meddling” in our affairs and love lives. We say it is none of their business. When in fact, it is their business to see you happy. The job of a parent is not done. They want to see their bloodlines continue. They want to see their kids happy and whole. What if we as a community did that? Would things be different? Would we have these paltry marriage and out of wedlock statistics?? Would black women be crying about “where is my prince”? Would men be out here with an endless parade of women?

I can tell you for a fact: My mother has NEVER been wrong about a mate I brought home. If she liked them, she liked them. If she hated them, she let them know. We need more parents like her. She never went as far as try to set me up with dates. But as I’ve been divorced, she’s made her feelings known and has been really vocal about my dating behavior. I do listen. I respect her opinion. I’d even let her set me up on a date. True, my mother isn’t quite keen on the sex appeal factor, but she does think about my needs. It’s not about money…or what he does…etc. It’s a lot deeper things my mother looks at. She has a discernment I respect…which brings me to today.

Today, she came to my house and basically yelled and screamed her opinion and called me some choice words. She was angry with something she was observing. And let her true feelings me known. I was shocked and even laughed because I had never seen her “go off’ like this. But...she was just being an advocate for her child. You need that in your corner. Male or Female. Whether it is a father or a mother, you need someone who is looking our for you. Not only do YOU need it, but our community needs it.

Would you let your parents advocate for a mate for you? Set you up on dates? Do you think this is out of date?


  1. i asked my parents to arrange my marriage when i was 12. i hope they don't think i was joking.

  2. I must have had a super meddling mama. She was always up in my grill. I love her for it now. Then... Well, if I knew then what I know now right?
    No, it is not out of date. It is something of the past, but it does need to be revitalized. Women need to teach their princesses the way of being a queen and accepting nothing but, a true prince.
    My daughter is 12 and you better believe I am and am going to continue to be all up in her grill and business and everything else. I refuse to let me princess fall through the cracks just because I was not on my game. Of course, you can steer them all day and they can still fall by the wayside but, it's not going to be a a easy fall.
    And sista, you better believe I am going to be right there to pick her up if she does.

  3. When I moved out of my parents house to go to college, they stopped telling me how they felt about boyfriends, in fact I never told them anything about anyone, until I begin dating a guy seriously . Years later I met and married my now husband and they told me (funny enough this year) that they never liked the boyfriend I was serious with and was glad that I had married now husband. Well they liked the boyfriend enough, but just not for me. I was like damn.. why didn’t you speak up when I was talking to the guy. I wasted 3 years on this dude. My father replied that them expressing their disapproval would only push me further into the guy’s arms…. And they couldn’t take that chance. Interesting.

  4. I love this article because it gets me to thinking if it was like that in our culture.

    I would let my mom set me up and I may need to bring this up to my mommy tonight and I know she gets upset with me on my choices of men but we think we are grown and we know what we are doing. LOL

    I am and will listen more to my mommy. I respect her a great deal and I know that she loves me and wants nothing but the Best for me.
    Thank you for this article....


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

I Had Hope For Other Hair: Confessions in Black Motherhood

I had hoped for other hair...
(My Little One Reading a Book Before Bed)

... for my daughter.

No, I didn't want her to have "good hair"... hair that ebbed and flowed close to the weight of Whiteness. I didn't want that for her.  I didn't want her to have hair that was deemed "managable" or "a good grade". as if you can give hair letter grades or grade it on a curve.

I just wanted her to have any hair other than MY hair. She inherited my hair. And I cried.

When I found out I was having a girl, anxiety was replaced with dread. "Dear God.. I have to learn how to do hair". See, growing up, my mother was my stylist, even way into high school. So in between salon visits, she would relax or press my hair. She'd style it or comb it. And I never worried about it. I tried and tried to do my own hair... and failed. The only style I could keep up were Brandy-inspired box braids (which some poor, Senegalese woman would do for hours) or a very sho…

Desperate Times, Drastic Measures!

Hey Folks!

I know.. I have skipped a couple of weeks already! BUT in my defense, having a sick toddler will wear you out... and family really is important.

That being said... I've gone through a lot in the past couple of weeks. I've had a physical, which has made me reassess  my life. I have more appointments on the books than I care for just to make sure I am doing ok. I don't want to go into anything as to alarm folks, but I do want to keep on trucking and this is all part of being proactive. I'm still in the gym but not really seeing much progress. I am sure it has something to do with my eating. It isn't that I eat bad.. I just do not eat enough to burn off the fat . I have to meal plan better..

This is where Pinterest comes in....I have tons and tons of food options saved. I figure I can do weekly "sheet pan" meals for my meal planning.. and then shop for the week. I normally I am a "once a month" grocery shopper... but I think that's g…