My Soror Y said it best:
"People tell you the truth..it's up to you to listen"
I had a huge wake up call and realized that dude had been telling me the truth the whole time. I've ended things with guys before. I've had my heart broken. But never has it been done in a more callous way than recently. I mean, truth be told, dude is a nice guy. But even nice guys have a streak of asshole in them every now and then.
This all culminated with our final conversation. After avoiding me for the better part of a week, I asked him what the deal was (to make a long story short because I'm not divulging everything). In addition to going on and on about my obvious "lacks" (i.e. my schedule due to school, the fact that I don't have a car, the excuse of me and my schedule of work and school..etc......), he decided to expound and use all of this unnecessarily convoluted language about what basically amounted to: "You aint it".
But the proverbial nail in the coffin.... He said: "I mean..I wouldn't MIND being in a relationship".
But listen closely as to what that means? "I wouldn't MIND being in a relationship" I mean..not MINDING being in a relationship is the equivalent of trying to make a dinner choice between steak and chicken. I mean..you wouldn't MIND eating chicken..if that's what's offered..if that's what you can settle on...if t hats what you can afford....but what you REALLY want is steak. It's something you don't mind having..but not what you prefer.
In this analogy..I'm the chicken. *sigh*. And quite honest, I think what he prefers is his life and routine..something and someone that wont disrupt that too much. I didn't fit into that equation. (the actual words were.."I'm not sure if you are a FIT in my schedule') It was too much "work". Too much of an inconvenience. It took too much "planning". Although my mother used to say "something worth having is worth working for"...apparently this was just too much. What he REALLY should have said was "I wouldn't mind being in a relationship................just not one with you".
I'm a grown up. I'm wise enough to know that one man's chicken dinner..is another man's steakhouse special. Just because I wasn't the right "fit" for him doesn't mean I wont be for another person. I'm def not playing the victim either. I know that I will have someone accept me for where I am RIGHT NOW, flaws and all. "Lack" and all. Don't "settle" for anything...esp when the person on the other end is pretty genuine with how they are giving it to you. Furthermore, I am too sweet and smart a person to be getting emotionally "punked".
But the signs were there. I brushed it off as "well..we were working out the kinks of who were were..". but something never gelled. There was a disconnect somewhere. And I realize that was what it was. He was telling me all along this wasn't for him. The snide. snippy remarks..the fact that he didn't have (in hindsight) a selfless bone in his body, every conversation focused on HIM....and the finally the fact that he had been so dismissive about me and my goals. My "little blog"...my "little homework" he "couldn't do all of that school".....not to mention because of a 6 year age difference..he called me "oh so young". He was unappreciative of the tremendous sacrifices, rearranging of my schedule and time to talk to or see him. He didn't and couldn't remotely care. When I opened up to talk about things that were deeply personal to me...he didn't react. Just...hardened and calloused.
So we are off that....We (I..me..) are back off dating for a while. I gave it a whole hearted try this time, trying to be open and vulnerable..but guess what..
I'm not CHICKEN...I'm def NOT something someone wouldn't MIND being with like I am second fiddle. Matter of fact...they wouldn't have to qualify that at all. I'd be someone some guy would love to hang with..and be understanding of where I am RIGHT NOW. Chicken Dinners are winners (lol)..but if he (or any man) prefers his steak...
...I hope a piece of $100 steak gets lodge in his throat and he chokes.