Skip to main content

Sexless in Atlanta


I love sex. I really do. I have absolutely no qualms about being a sexual person or expressing myself sexually. I’m not shy. I’m not a prude…and never had I had a complaint. Some positions I do should be illegal…(LOL) It feels great when done right….But...I do have a confession.


I don’t want it anymore


Don’t get me wrong, if I get it and it’s good, I enjoy it. But afterwards, I feel so empty. It’s over with. They go home. I go home. The end. I feel like the character in Looking for Mr. Goodbar (except I don’t die...and nothing gets brutal...and there is no drugs…eh...so maybe that isn’t a good example) What’s the point of having sex if there is nothing deeper behind it? Yes, sex feels incredible. Orgasms are great…but at what (emotional) price. If I have to hurt my heart…is sex worth it?

I think after my divorce, I increasingly had given up on love. The men I encountered didn’t want anything more than a sexual relationship and those men who rarely wanted more than that; I didn’t feel anything for them. Empty. Hollow. Dull. These are words I can describe how I felt inside toward the idea of anything deeper. If all men wanted were jump-off and trysts, fine...that’s all I could give them anyway. But deep down, I knew that’s not what I wanted. I wanted a relationship or at least the hopes of building toward a relationship. So far, no dice. I’ve had more sex than I’ve had relationships… (Let me clarify...more sex...Not a lot of partners…no relationships).


Some of my girlfriends think this is fine. “Have you some reliable partners, if you want to get yours, get it… and just do you”. What the hell is “doing me”? I know the 1960’s and 1970’s allowed me to have sexual liberation and freedom. And if I wanted to have a rotation of men, I could. But that empty feeling will still be there. That dull, hollow feeling will still permeate. My bed still will be cold. And nothing will change.


My emotions go from “fuck dudes...Imma just get mine” to “I can’t keep doing this. I feel sad”. I’m not sure where I am in all of this. Men can easily do this. They can separate their emotions and compartmentalize every woman and every encounter. Women can’t do that. We invest a lot of emotions into each and every person we meet. Unless you are Samantha Jones of Sex and the City, most women are not that brutally honest with themselves sexually. To some, penis is penis. For me…I want a connection.


I love sex. But at this moment in time, it’s time to take a “penis sabbatical” and just give sex a rest. Right now it’s about clearing my head and opening my heart…and not opening my legs. I’m certainly not a self-righteous person...but...I just feel that I deserve so much… I don't think I want to be "celibate"...I just don't want to be "selling myself short".
My heart...my body...could use a break.

Comments

  1. While I'm not currently sexless... if I weren't in a relationship right now this would be my life. I can't see myself having sex outside of a meaningful relationship at this point in my life.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Soror! My LS/best friend Kenan told me I should follow you and I'm so glad I did just that. I'm at that point with you, but I've finally just decided to be celibate since I'm on a spiritual growth journey in my single time. Thing is I could have a great sex partner right now...just with that understanding of "it is what it is and we know what it is", however I just had to say, I really do want more. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking out for self at this time since men seem to do it far too often. I link mine to a spiritual journey because anytime I had sex, I would condemn myself... so I decided all this damage to my spirit is so not worth it. Do what is best for YOU Soror.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sex by itself can me unfulfulling. You deserve the best in a relationship and emotional connections are important. Never sell yourself short.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I support whatever decision you make - always! But I can say that know, for me, sex without emotional attachments always felt bad and empty, and I was just never strong enough to "handle" that.... so I always preferred to enjoy it within the realms of a relationship. Not saying that either way is right or wrong, but it's about knowing yourself as a person, and what ulimately makes you feel comfortable and happy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey My Sexless Sista..I am with you..I am right there with you so now I have to stay away from chocolate chip cookies and I'm good to go:)I can't go there with a man without feeling like I give away a little peace and piece of me in small doses..something in me dies each encounter. I want him strong...no baggage and ready to go the distance in commitment..

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow...I totally understand where you are coming from. Well said..

    ReplyDelete
  7. Very Interesting read and viewpoint, LUV the honesty & profoundness of your thoughts !!!

    And there are PLENTY of MEN that share your intense nature regarding just having sex w/o true & real emotional depth ... It's ACTUALLY the weak males that can easily separate the emotional aspect from sex because THEIR empty between the ears AND their heart is filled with Fear-n-Lust... A TRUE deep & empty feeling in itself !!!

    TRUST there are Real Men who share your plight & struggle towards THIS JOURNEY of Self-reflection of YOU and having someone that is truly worthy & appreciative of YOU ... You aren't ALONE or UNIQUE or UNUSUAL in that regard

    AGAIN, I really enjoyed the post Peace-n-Love to You & Yours
    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I saw a guy casually for the past five months. We became good friends, but stayed friends with benefits. I knew he messed around a lot, and genuinely enjoyed "spitting game," but somehow got it in my head that our casual relationship could become a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

    One night he called me while he was with his friend, asking me if I would have sex with a guy I just met. "A dick is a dick," he said. "You would have sex with him, right?" I told him no, that I would have to get to know him more first, and that I messed around with him because I genuinely liked him. "Wait, you know that I've been hooking up with other girls, right?" he asked. I told him I knew, after all he had told me! I was just upset that he was being so blunt. I truly believed we were friends...maybe we still are...but why would a friend talk to me like that?

    He has a girlfriend now (someone who is closer to him...could he be going for convenience?) "I'm going to have to make some lifestyle changes," he said. "There was this hot chick at the library I wanted to hit on, and I'm still gonna hit on her, but I can't take her out." I don't get it...he seems really heartless...do some of these guys just not care?

    I was glad to read your post because it closely resembled my feelings. I'm not into this whole meaningless sex thing.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex operator...my job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…

Dating and the Dark-Skinned Girl

Often times in the circle of close bloggers, who become friends, we get into debates (albeit friendly ones) but debates nonetheless. I happened to be on my "private" blog site reading a dear friend's blog. I love her to death and she's been like a big sister to me, helping me through my divorce as a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. And although I've never met her in person...I do consider her a friend (that may sound strange to most..but it isnt to bloggers!) She's a gorgeous Black and Mexican woman..living in southern Cal and raising her teenage son amazingly! I was reading her blog...and came across this:

Ok..just a random thought... What is with the expression "LSLH?" Because it's usually used in a negative way, I'm offended by it.It irks me to no end! I mean, does it make us less of a black women because we have lighter skin and long hair? So when I read blogs or websites that use that expression, I think it's sad. So what if I&…

The "Fleece Johnson" Guide to Dating

I am not sure if any of you saw the recent Boondocks where they spoofed prison culture and gayness. Well....if you haven't...here is a little clip of where they got their inspiration from. Fleece Johnson...the Booty Warrior... So yeah...Fleece is a little crazy..but we are about to roll with thiis for a minute. I am about to take the "Fleece Johnson" no holds barred approach to dating. If I see a dude it's going down  like this: I likes ya I wants ya We can do this the easy way Or the hard way....your choice. Now..Fleece might be talking about gay men and booty warrior and "hornin". But..I'm talking about taking the same approach to men. If I see a dude I want..I WANT HIM. Imma have him. We can play games and bullshit and do it the hard way...OR we can do it the easy way...you give in to me and my desires (and yours)..and be happy. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have to do dumb sh*t to work for a good woman? Or take an easy approach with the sam…