I love sex. I really do. I have absolutely no qualms about being a sexual person or expressing myself sexually. I’m not shy. I’m not a prude…and never had I had a complaint. Some positions I do should be illegal…(LOL) It feels great when done right….But...I do have a confession.
I don’t want it anymore
Don’t get me wrong, if I get it and it’s good, I enjoy it. But afterwards, I feel so empty. It’s over with. They go home. I go home. The end. I feel like the character in Looking for Mr. Goodbar (except I don’t die...and nothing gets brutal...and there is no drugs…eh...so maybe that isn’t a good example) What’s the point of having sex if there is nothing deeper behind it? Yes, sex feels incredible. Orgasms are great…but at what (emotional) price. If I have to hurt my heart…is sex worth it?
I think after my divorce, I increasingly had given up on love. The men I encountered didn’t want anything more than a sexual relationship and those men who rarely wanted more than that; I didn’t feel anything for them. Empty. Hollow. Dull. These are words I can describe how I felt inside toward the idea of anything deeper. If all men wanted were jump-off and trysts, fine...that’s all I could give them anyway. But deep down, I knew that’s not what I wanted. I wanted a relationship or at least the hopes of building toward a relationship. So far, no dice. I’ve had more sex than I’ve had relationships… (Let me clarify...more sex...Not a lot of partners…no relationships).
Some of my girlfriends think this is fine. “Have you some reliable partners, if you want to get yours, get it… and just do you”. What the hell is “doing me”? I know the 1960’s and 1970’s allowed me to have sexual liberation and freedom. And if I wanted to have a rotation of men, I could. But that empty feeling will still be there. That dull, hollow feeling will still permeate. My bed still will be cold. And nothing will change.
My emotions go from “fuck dudes...Imma just get mine” to “I can’t keep doing this. I feel sad”. I’m not sure where I am in all of this. Men can easily do this. They can separate their emotions and compartmentalize every woman and every encounter. Women can’t do that. We invest a lot of emotions into each and every person we meet. Unless you are Samantha Jones of Sex and the City, most women are not that brutally honest with themselves sexually. To some, penis is penis. For me…I want a connection.
I love sex. But at this moment in time, it’s time to take a “penis sabbatical” and just give sex a rest. Right now it’s about clearing my head and opening my heart…and not opening my legs. I’m certainly not a self-righteous person...but...I just feel that I deserve so much… I don't think I want to be "celibate"...I just don't want to be "selling myself short".
My heart...my body...could use a break.
While I'm not currently sexless... if I weren't in a relationship right now this would be my life. I can't see myself having sex outside of a meaningful relationship at this point in my life.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Hey Soror! My LS/best friend Kenan told me I should follow you and I'm so glad I did just that. I'm at that point with you, but I've finally just decided to be celibate since I'm on a spiritual growth journey in my single time. Thing is I could have a great sex partner right now...just with that understanding of "it is what it is and we know what it is", however I just had to say, I really do want more. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking out for self at this time since men seem to do it far too often. I link mine to a spiritual journey because anytime I had sex, I would condemn myself... so I decided all this damage to my spirit is so not worth it. Do what is best for YOU Soror.
ReplyDeleteSex by itself can me unfulfulling. You deserve the best in a relationship and emotional connections are important. Never sell yourself short.
ReplyDeleteI support whatever decision you make - always! But I can say that know, for me, sex without emotional attachments always felt bad and empty, and I was just never strong enough to "handle" that.... so I always preferred to enjoy it within the realms of a relationship. Not saying that either way is right or wrong, but it's about knowing yourself as a person, and what ulimately makes you feel comfortable and happy.
ReplyDeleteI feel you.
ReplyDeleteHey My Sexless Sista..I am with you..I am right there with you so now I have to stay away from chocolate chip cookies and I'm good to go:)I can't go there with a man without feeling like I give away a little peace and piece of me in small doses..something in me dies each encounter. I want him strong...no baggage and ready to go the distance in commitment..
ReplyDeletewow...I totally understand where you are coming from. Well said..
ReplyDeleteVery Interesting read and viewpoint, LUV the honesty & profoundness of your thoughts !!!
ReplyDeleteAnd there are PLENTY of MEN that share your intense nature regarding just having sex w/o true & real emotional depth ... It's ACTUALLY the weak males that can easily separate the emotional aspect from sex because THEIR empty between the ears AND their heart is filled with Fear-n-Lust... A TRUE deep & empty feeling in itself !!!
TRUST there are Real Men who share your plight & struggle towards THIS JOURNEY of Self-reflection of YOU and having someone that is truly worthy & appreciative of YOU ... You aren't ALONE or UNIQUE or UNUSUAL in that regard
AGAIN, I really enjoyed the post Peace-n-Love to You & Yours
;-)
I saw a guy casually for the past five months. We became good friends, but stayed friends with benefits. I knew he messed around a lot, and genuinely enjoyed "spitting game," but somehow got it in my head that our casual relationship could become a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
ReplyDeleteOne night he called me while he was with his friend, asking me if I would have sex with a guy I just met. "A dick is a dick," he said. "You would have sex with him, right?" I told him no, that I would have to get to know him more first, and that I messed around with him because I genuinely liked him. "Wait, you know that I've been hooking up with other girls, right?" he asked. I told him I knew, after all he had told me! I was just upset that he was being so blunt. I truly believed we were friends...maybe we still are...but why would a friend talk to me like that?
He has a girlfriend now (someone who is closer to him...could he be going for convenience?) "I'm going to have to make some lifestyle changes," he said. "There was this hot chick at the library I wanted to hit on, and I'm still gonna hit on her, but I can't take her out." I don't get it...he seems really heartless...do some of these guys just not care?
I was glad to read your post because it closely resembled my feelings. I'm not into this whole meaningless sex thing.