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Playing Your Position: A Mistress' Guidebook

In the wake of the recent extramarital affairs and mishaps of Steve McNair, John Edwards, David Letterman, and ESPN’s Steve Phillips’, I think that it may be prudent to write a little “handbook” on how to be a mistress aka a “sideline hoe”. I shall call this mini-book Hoe, Stay In Your MuthaF**king Lane.

Now, let me first say I am TOTALLY against cheating. As a divorced woman, I know how that can hurt whether it be emotional or physical. AND..I was confronted w/ the reality of the DUMBEST chicks on earth (LOL). BUT...if you are GONNA be a sideline hoe, there are a few things you need to know. And for the record, I’ve never been ANYBODY’s mistress… but based on observations of friends, my own experiences via family, funny quips from girls on my webgroups (Twitter, Chocolatebrides, Xanga, etc) and the media, here are some tips the HOE needs to follow.

1) You are NOT FIRST Priority- his wife will forever and always be first. He’s NOT leaving her. So get those fantasies out of your head. No matter what he says…no divorce will be on the horizon for you and your “dude” to be together. NO YOUR PLACE and stay in your line. Open your legs open your mouth; swallow your pride, and LIE THERE. That’s your job. (and occasionally stroking some ego…)
2) Leave your emotions out of it-. Don’t be up here falling in love, waiting with baited breath when dude calls. Go on about your normal day and do your thing. When he calls, make time. If not, move on Don’t let him in your own emotional world. Try not to be that emotionally invested otherwise you will have a mental breakdown
3) If you are going to whore, whore with “purpose”- What are you getting out of this? If all he is doing is laying pipe and saying sweet nothings, you aren’t getting much. Get some bills paid. Get some bobbles, and trinkets and things out the deal. Some diamonds. A few vacations. Hey...that’s what professionals do. *shrug*
4) Don’t try and confront the wife, his kids, etc. What good is that going to do? Remember rule #1…he’s NEVER leaving. He may get divorced...but 10 times outta 9 you are not part of the package. And trust me; every smart woman knows her man is cheating. It wouldn’t be like you were springing big news on her. What on earth could the wife do to you aside from kick your ass?
5) Do not become “clingy/obsessive”- it’s not cute. It’s not going to get you anything but restraining orders and cutting off your funds.
6) Remember: Your pussy is NOTHING special. It’s just pussy. Trust and believe, It’s not “platinum” (that would mean he’d be having fits over seeing you, leaving his wife, raising YOUR kids, etc.) …it might be “gold-plated” silver at best. No matter how good you are “doing” dude…trust and believe...he’s had better. And no amount of screwing is going to make dude leave his wife. Your freaky proclivities are just stuff his wife won’t do…but certainly he could have found anyone to do it. For real. you don’t have “sunshine” (remember Harlem Nights? LOL) Yeah babe, you don’t have it.
7) Trust me you don’t look better than the wife- Just believe it. Face it. Make it your reality. Side-line hoes are always uglier than the wife. And if you just so happen to be prettier, lucky you! But that was just luck!
8) You probably aren’t the only “mistress”- Most men (esp. high powered one) have more than one mistress. Wife-Mistress-Girlfriend. That’s how it usually goes. Why does he do this? BECAUSE HE CAN
9) It ain’t trickin’ if you got it- and if he doesn’t have IT…trust me it’s not worth being a sideline hoe for. Again, what is he doing for YOU
10)DO NOT GET PREGNANT- I don’t give a damn what fancy-ignoramus scheme you think this will net you. (child support, etc) You don’t get pregnant by the John (hookers use precautions to NOT get pregnant. and porn stars too...and so should you). What did you think? A BABY would get him to leave his wife and family? Are you insane? Or just mentally retarded? How can you explain that to the kid? HIS other kids? Etc. Makes no sense whatsoever!

And let me add a few tips for the MEN

1) Stop getting these YOUNG girls to be your sideline hoe- They are mentally unstable, They have no idea what it takes to BE on the sidelines. These aren’t your father’s “kept women” who knew their place. These broads will show up to your job, stalk your wife, and stalk your kids, ride miles in a diaper to confront you…just sick!
2) If your penchant is for young tenders, get a hooker- at least they know their job.
3) Stop falling in LOVE with these hoes and making promises you cant keep- you know damn well you aren’t moving to Argentina! You know you cant keep funding her college education. Stop making her think you are a family
4) Your job is to provide funds, gifts, and penis- you got to pay to play. No more. No less
5) Don’t sh*t where you eat- Stop meeting these hoes on the JOB! WTF! Go outside the job! Also, don’t mess w/ your wife’s’ step-granddaughter or her best friend. Etc. PLEASE let it be a total and complete stranger . FURTHERMORE, stop taking these broads out in PUBLIC. ....
6) Put a hat on it- I don’t care how GOOD it might feel…wear a condom! PERIOD! At all times. You don’t need the babies. (and speaking of which, you might want to have an emergency “abortion” fund just in case…)

As for the wives

One Rule: Pray. Just be prayerful your husband doesn’t do this. Love him, yet don’t overly stroke his ego. Women want security, men want to feel relevant. Make him feel relevant. This isn’t to say be a doormat. If something is wrong, speak up. If you don’t like his actions, confront him. And don’t be afraid to LEAVE. And revenge is never the answer. EVER. Keep the lines of communication (sexual and otherwise) open. At least even if he does step out, you can say “I tried my best”. And then it’s on HIM to pay for his own sins!


  1. *claps* Bravo! Loved it! Very thorough.

    One thing I would add is that IF a divorce does materialize, 9 times out of 10 is was because the WIFE got tired of his shit and decided to roll...definitely NOT the other way around. And trust he's usually trying to get her back or prove to her that the HOE was just that and nothing more. And even when the wife aint trying to hear it and still leaves, 9 times out of 10 the husband doesn't even get with the HOE he was cheating with. When he does finally end up getting in another "REAL" relationship it's usually with someone else... which leaves the HOE feeling even dumber than before!

    Be wise, people!

  2. Angie..CHU'CH!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO TRUE! LMAO!

  3. "you know damn well you aren’t moving to Argentina!"


    and with this comment right here I have *died*

  4. And the book will be available when?

  5. lmao too funny. Happy you added the twist with the rules for the men and the wife. It's takes two to cheat but it takes three to make it work.

    For the wife I would like to add. Don't say "if I catch you cheating again I'm leaving." If when you catch him again you stay. You need to have a backbone and not be a door mat. Once you forgive and forgive you have become apart of the problem.

    As for Rule 1) You are NOT FIRST Priority- his wife will forever and always be first. He’s NOT leaving her.- I'm sure Angelina Jolie would disagree, lol. J/K

  6. That 'cheating' has just got to stop! ;)

  7. *snaps* You speaketh the troof.

  8. In the wake of Tiger's BS, I am reading this AGAIN. You need to have a column in a newspaper or something! LOL!


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