Because They Can

In talking to various men in my life (not necessarily IN my life, but just swirling around the peripheral of my life), I’ve come to an understanding about why men operate the way they do. Simply…

BECAUSE THEY CAN

I asked a male friend of mine why did he marry his wife and why is he staying? Innocent enough question. Is it monitary? Does she fulfill some sort of need otherwise? Is it a comfortable lifestyle? Is it her connections? He said “The truth is that I'm w/my wife for the same reasons I married her. She's been a good friend, a staunch ally through some really difficult shit, we have fun together, & I love her. Nothing superficial. That's not 2 say that it's been all rosy obviously. It's been horrible @ times, a lot of time. But those are the fundamental reasons that kept me fighting 4 the relationship in a nutshell.”

I’m sure some of you reading are going “Aww…that;s great”. Did I mention he’s been cheating on his wife for the past year (maybe more)? Yeah………not so altruistic and noble now is it. He’s quick to point out “I’m a flawed man, I’m not perfect, etc.” yet is doing absolutely NOTHING to change that behavior. Why is he cheating? Because he can.

I had an epiphany right then and there. Even the slimiest of men can love their wives. Furthermore, it took me 15 years of dating...6 years of a relationship and 2.5 years of marriage to realize that men stay out of OBLIGATION. Nothing More. Nothing Less. I think even part of the reason my ex husband stayed as long as he did was due to obligation. I’m sure he loved me, but he was OBLIGATED to stay as long as he did...until I ended it. Passive-aggressive behavior. Why did he do the things he did in the marriage? BECAUSE HE COULD. Period.

I talked to my frat brother (who has appeared more than once in my blog..same dude who said my “married”, non-cooking friends need to teach me something), about the dynamics of male female relationships. He claims that he understands them perfectly. His “rules” he said. He said, “ It’s not supposed to 'make sense' because emotions are involved. Nobody wants to be hurt so we say this or don't say that in an effort to preserve our feelings. We say we want the truth but get mad when we hear it.” Hmm, that's all well and good but I thought to myself (and asked him), “If you have this great understanding of relationships, then why aren’t you settling down instead of having a steady diet of “cut buddies?” His answer: Don’t worry about me. Is that right? He said that because he understands how it [relationships] works, why does it have to work for him right now. Why not?? You are damn near 30 years old!! So I asked if he was just waiting to settle down OR does he have a specific person that he wants to settle down with?” He said, “Yes”.

*pause*

Ok…it doesn’t make sense to me that if you have someone you KNOW you want to be with…that you are steady flirting with women, lusting after women, sexing/sexting other women. Shouldn’t your focus be to prepare yourself spiritually, physically and emotionally for your mate? He said I was painting him out to be a “horndog out here busting nuts with total disregard” and that he “actually looks at more women than sex them down” and that I am “taking things too literal”. That isn’t how I painted him to be, that’s how he portrays himself. *shrug*. I can only work with the information given to me. So why is he doing this?? Because he can.

My sorority sister pointed out to me that “men live in the meantime”. They do all that they want to do until they feel that the time has come for them to put away childish things, attitudes and approaches. I just feel it’s dangerous and self-destructive. Men, however, don’t feel that way. They are just “doing them”. Fine. Go ahead and masterbate your ego. It’s wasted energy.

Not only do men do these things “because they can” (in the famous words of Bill Clinton re: his affair with Monica Lewinski ), but because WE ALLOW them to. I’m totally not putting the blame on men nor is this a “I hate men” diatribe. But until women put their foot down on how they will be treated, we will be nothing more than “playthings” for men until we ask to be loved, respected, and given what we want. No more. No less. Stop giving people the ROPE to hang you with.

It saddens me to think that these are the types of games and mindsets of a lot of men that I have to look forward to in the dating world. I just refuse to settle for bullshit. IN THE MEANTIME, for me, I’m placing myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally in a realm of love, understanding and focus on building something significant. I’m not going to be someone’s “meantime girl” or “mistress on the side” or “fun-time girl they get their jollies with until some other broad gets HER mind right”.

I deserve more than that.

WE (as human beings) deserve more than that.