Skip to main content

When Your Ex Starts Dating..

How do you deal when your ex begins dating again……?

Recently, my ex-husband went on his first “real” date post-marriage. And strangely enough, I helped him plan the outing. I am sort of glad we are at that point in our relationship where we can just be friends and cordial.

He picked a place to have a massage...and then took her to a nice seafood restaurant in the city. We are very “Naomi and Sam” from Private Practice (minus the sex...obviously). I was sort of excited for him partly because it was like I was planning the ultimate date for myself. Despite the fact that we hurt each other in tremendous ways, I was glad that he was able to find someone that interested him and he wanted to show them a good time. After the date, he told me he had a great time despite the young lady not really speaking as much. This is hard because my ex husband is somewhat introverted so two introverts can’t just sit there and expect “magic” to happen. She even got the check at dinner (because he paid a pretty penny for the massage). The following week, they went to see Musiq in concert. He was upset that she didn’t seem “into” him but they are continuing on with a friendship and planning other dates.

Trust me, I was glad. For one, it took any notion of “us” getting back together out his mind. I mean, your ex wife helping plan your dates should be a sign. Secondly, I got to live a bit vicariously though him. Once upon a time, my ex had done those same things-taking me to nice dinners, we had several massages. The problem was more often than not, I’d be picking up the check (LOL) and I felt resentful (circumstances were very different). But part of me felt a twinge of…….hmm…I don’t know.

I wouldn’t call it a twinge of jealousy. It’s sadness. I think the sadness I feel is because he’s dating and I’m not. It would help if I too was in the dating scene. But that’s not happening. I’m upset and frustrated. I keep meeting absolute duds. Dudes who just want some nookie, dudes who want “cut buddies”, dudes who have a virtual Rolodex of pussy (pardon my language) or dudes who are in these “complicated” situations-mad kids, too broke, living with their mothers, separated yet NOT divorced, or too immature to settle down and because they know the “ratio” is in their favor, they play the field endlessly.

And it is a bit upsetting when a person you feel should hurt as much as you is easily getting dates. (Well, not easily, but apparently someone is interested in him enough to want to go out multiple times.). But at the same time, it gives you hope that we lowly divorcee’s can date again.
I’m a gregarious person. I’m lively and full of energy and positivity. I laugh a lot. I love hard. I live to the fullest. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a date (lol). I’ve gotten peace in the fact that perhaps this period of solace is just a “preparation” mode for someone who appreciates what I have to offer.

I remember having a convo with my ex asking him did he feel I lacked something which is why we got divorced. He said “No. Not at all. We divorced because WE couldn’t hold it together. Takes nothing away from you. Takes nothing away from me”. I sighed and said.”I’ll be sucks...but it’s a means to an end. A necessary evil.”
He laughed and said “Sometimes...I wish we could skip dating and just find a mate”. I laughed and said “That’s called an arranged marriage”.


  1. It's tough but keep in mind I didn't date for 6+ months before I met the dude. It sucks but I definitely felt like that time alone was preparation and at the same time I realized I wanted to date the right person not just date for the sake of dating. I mean there are too many losers out there and my time is too precious to waste.

  2. You are a bigger person than me...I don't think I'd be able to do that girl. Wow..I'm jealous and its not even me. I understand you wanting him to move on and all, but naw dawg. I guess he has to move on so you can have a clear path for the new guy to shimy in. You are gonna probably meet Mr. Right in Target on the household cleaning aisle or something. The good ones always come when you least expect it!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.


The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…