In this edition of "ask the mochapeach", the reader asks should she continue on with her love despite his questionable past. Ladies....what would you do???
Hey girl! I love your no nonsense advice about about love and relationships. I've always wanted to write in so.... So I will just get to the point:
I've been with my boyfriend about a year. We talk about getting married and everything. We have no secrets. At least... I think we didn't...
Recently we were talking and he told me that he experimented in college with men. He said it was only one guy and limited to oral sex.and touching. And didn't go any further. He said he knew he liked women after this and didn't want to go that route. I was shocked . I mean? What does this mean? Is he gay? Or bisexual? Would he go back to men? What if I don't satisfy him? I mean the sex is off the chain and dude loves me to death. I mean I see (or I saw) a future with him.... Should I end the relationship?
Trapped in the Closet (maybe)
Dear "Trapped in the Closet (Maybe)":
First off...let me go "wow". You have given me a serious question to discuss. But I will say before I give you any advice....ask yourself these questions: a) What are my feelings on sexuality and gender? and b) Are my feelings regarding sexuality and gender influential on my relationships? Are they flexible? Or pretty firm?
I know it may seem like a shock to you that your boyfriend told you he messed around with men. The fact that he told you at all is commendable. He said it was experimentation. It was college. Who hasn't done something outrageous in college?
I will say in this country we have a double standard. I have no doubt if I told my man that I messed with a girl in college he'd be all hot, turned on and want details. Women? Not so much. Black women (and I am assuming you are black), have this serious homophobia rooted in our history, our social structures, the church, etc. So I understand your concern.
So let me give you MY opinion on it....
Let me reiterate: sexual acts does not inform one's sexual orientation. Just because he had oral sex with a guy doesn't mean he is gay. Maybe at one point he THOUGHT he was and he realized "Eh...this isn't for me". Doesn't he have the right to make an informed sexual decision? I think so.
Nor does his decision to disclose that he did this mean he isn't less attracted to you or want an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you. HE wanted to be honest with you. And not have any secrets. I am sure it was hard for him to do this.
All in all...I can just say the decision to terminate the relationship or continue it rests on you. No one else. And it really shouldn't come from those outside the relationship. Only you two know what's going on in your bedroom.
I pray that I helped you! :)
Have any questions? email me at firstname.lastname@example.org