Still Running

One Year Ago Today…


It was a very cold day in Atlanta. The wind was blustery and I wore a brand new red Calvin Klein suit, matching red and black Calvin Klein stiletto pumps, a new attitude and my hair in a high bun. Red is my favorite color-my power color. It made me feel confident and protected. My red Chanel lipstick was the perfect match.

We rode to the courthouse in silence. The tension was palpable but no one wanted to address it. I mean, just a month ago we had signed the papers, had everything notarized and filed it with the court. So quick. 30 days. And I would go from Mrs. back to Ms. What was there to say?

We sat in the courtroom which seemed like forever, with other couples that were getting divorced as well. They seemed to be across all socio-economic backgrounds. But we appeared to be the youngest. He walked out for a while and I feared he wouldn’t come back. (He later told me he had contemplated just walking out. But what could what that have done…he didn’t need to be there for it to be final…).

As soon as he walked back in, the judge called us back to her chambers. She preferred to handle these matters of a domestic nature there. We raised our right hands, swore what we said was the truth, and that was that. On December 1, 2008….we were no more. We parted ways.

I sat in the car waiting on my mother. I pulled out a piece of paper. A letter I had mistakenly saved on my hard drive. With its generic name, I thought it was something I did and blindly saved it on my jump drive. It was from “her” (one of many it seems)….expressing her disappointment that things didn’t work out and he had already moved on to someone else... A someone, his cousin, had surprisingly known and encouraged him to be with. I said...”I found this”. He read it, shaking his head and said “No. you don’t understand…she had feelings of me….It wasn’t like that……” I just turned my head, not wanting tears to fall, and got out the car.

My mother and I went to have lunch and she just held my hand across the table. I bit my lip to not cry....Later that night, he came and packed up the rest of his belongings.

Divorce is a devastating loss. I had to mourn an almost 7 year relationship and watch the disintegration of a marriage within a year. It was hard to pick up the pieces, but I did. I picked up my broken heart, dusted myself off, and pressed forward. Sometimes I ran too fast. Sometimes I got down and tired. But I kept on running. I ran into some jerks. I ran into more heartbreak and disappointment. I ran into roadblocks and had to take a detour. Divorce was the ultimate detour….a detour from motherhood, being a wife, having a family of my own. But I kept running. You gotta keep running.

I’m not sure where this next year is going to lead me, but it just has to be better than the last. I had highs and this obviously was the low. The good thing is I’ve learned to be on my own…secure in my own skin and in who I am. And I know what God has for me…it is for me. Whatever and whomever that is. I didn’t let this situation change me or my attitude toward love. I still believe in love. I’m still a romantic (despite nothing overly romantic happening to me this year). I still love hard (and paid the price for it). I still play hard. I still laugh and I still just want to be happy. Sadly, I’ve locked a large part of myself away, only allowing people to catch a glimpse of me. One day, I’ll be able to open up. But until then….

I’ll keep running.