Changing Forward to the Past

As 2009 slowly comes to an end and the holiday season slowly draws to an end, I realize that so much has changed. Yet, is “real” change ever possible…..in regards to forgiveness.

My ex husband and I have come a very, very long way in terms of being cordial and forgiveness. You see, there was a time where I really hated his guts and wanted nothing to do with him. He broke my heart into tiny shards of bloody glass and I didn’t want to even speak to him. He tried to send me text messages..I’d send ones back..cursing. I didn’t want him near me. He sent flowers via my mother and I got so angry I threw them on the ground in front of my apartment (Later, I went back and picked them up…and sat them on my counter..). In other words, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

Earlier in the summer, my mother had gotten very ill and was in the hospital. We thought she had a stroke but it was due to improper dialysis. She asked for my ex husband and he came. At the time, I was seeing someone and when I told him my mother was sick…he wanted to know if he needed to come down. I said no..my ex was here., he got super angry. “Why is he around?? Makes no sense!”. I kinda knew then me and that person would be over because he didn’t understand. I had spent 7 yrs with my ex husband…almost 3 of them married…he had become attached to my family..my mother was his mother. Little did I know in our time apart, he had kept in contact w/ my family..being around my mother, etc. Before the divorce, he and my father had started to forge a bit of a relationship, but ultimately that was broken. Nevertheless, he loved my family..would do anything for my mother and me. He brought me food on Memorial Day that he cooked because he knew I hadn’t eaten.

After that, we sorta eased back into a friendship. We would casually talk or meet up for a bite to eat somewhat casually. We didn’t really engage in anything deeper than that. Ultimately, I allowed him into more of my space..and we were able t be around each other more. I’d cook dinner. We’d go out. Just as friends. I was able to open up and love him again as a person. I missed his humor and his sensitivity. Those were the things I fell for him easily over. And that was fine…that is until recently.

Oh nothing bad or anything happened. But recently he asked me to be the mother of his children..to get back together..and to start over He has expressed it several times.. Now statistically, remarriage of the same spouse after divorce usually ends in another divorce 84% of the time. I really am not trying to be another statistic. I’m already in that great 61% of first marriages ending in divorce. Also, I feel like we are really good as friends..I don’t want to mess it up. Besides..I haven’t been successful at dating. I don’t even know if I should rule out any other potential mates.

I love him. I always will. But the same spark I felt as a college senior and on my wedding day is no longer there. I am reminded of the pain often. The disappointment. The broken promises. I am not saying that a person can’t change, but if their change does not mesh with your change, then it isn’t feasible to me with that person. I’m going in a different direction in my life and I am not sure where being remarried to him fits in.
The question remains: Is change ever possible?