February 24, 2015

Random Thoughts of a Black Newlywed Woman.....

I do not know where I went wrong with this blog. I got married. (LOL). I dunno... I guess this blog was supposed to document my "reinvention" after divorce. And it did...but what now? Where do I go from here? Am I still "reinventing" myself? Where am I going in this 36th year of life? I do not want to be that girl that "vlogs" and documents every bit of minutia in her marriage.Because shit just gets boring. And I am not going to do that. I learned my lesson the first time I got married with sharing too much. I wont be documenting my pregnancy (if I get pregnant) or anything like that. I want it to be about me... but where do I go from here. What can this blog be about? Can it be about sex positivity with a "soul"? Or something else.........I dunno.When I started this blog, I also focused on different self-improvement/spiritual improvement and thoughts for the year. I had an entire "Bliss" movement. Now...I am not sure where to go with that. We all can use constant improvement. Whats my next step? Where do I go?

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I am plagued with feelings of self-doubt. I am still in my PhD program but everyday I want to quit. Everyday I am tired. I get up at like 4:45 every morning to get to work by 6:30 am. I leave at 4 pm, get home by 6 and I am exhausted. Over 12 hr days... I read for school at lunch (or try to). I read when I get home. (or try to).  But most days I want to veg-out on the couch, reconnect with my husband and just chill. To even get caught up..I'd have to take some vacation days from work. So..something has to give. I feel like this is in the way of my life now. I got other shit to do. Like get my house together. Care for my family. Get my finances together. Work on my vehicle situation. Right now I just want it over. And I don't even think I'm that smart or good of a student anymore. Each time I talk with my advisors...I feel dumb all over again.

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I don't even get it..........I feel like my feelings get dismissed for just being "overly panicked" about things. I do not feel that's the case. And if that is so... I'd much rather just keep my feelings to myself. Sometimes everything doesn't need a "solution" or "fix". Just let it be. Let me work it out.

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I am bored with myself. I cut about 6 inches from my locs  (mostly because I had ragged, color-damaged ends), experimented with new styles, and I still feel like I need a makeover. Maybe I will color my hair dark brown all over. Maybe I just need to get off my ass and get back into the gym  but.. (SEE ABOVE). I am just tired most of the time. There is not even enough time in the day. My makeup stays beat..that much I can attest to Partly because makeup always "fits". I do not have to worry about making it "work" or wearing a "girdle" or some other fat-sucking undergarment.. But the rest? My clothes look boring but I am trying to be much more of a saver....  So..I can't just be walking in the house with a bag of clothes because I'll get a side-eye. Maybe I just need a new routine. Speaking of looks...wassup with the attacks on black women's looks and bodies these days?? Our hair. Our skin color. Our body-types.  It's draining...

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I think when you become a newlywed (even for the second time)..your single girlfriends think you don't wanna hang with them. That's not true! We married women still need girl time. I hate finding out about cool places my "friends" and even my family members. It's lonely. I do not even hang out with my own mother anymore (but at least her issue is health related/logistics and not just avoidance)... I mean..I cannot talk to my husband about everything. He doesn't get the things I enjoy. Women need women-circles for support. (See my previous blog on BFFs ). Nothing has really changed. I do have a husband but I am still me...ya know?

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Speaking of lonely, what do you do when you are one of the youngest minority women in your work environment? I have no children. I am in a different "educational" level than some of my colleagues. It feels isolating. Once a close co-worker passed away several years ago from Cancer, I lost a work ally. You feel left out of even the most mundane of news if the culture of your work environment is female, white and fairly older. And the younger, white women co-workers tend to stick together. I feel like a unicorn at times. DO not get me wrong..I have colleagues outside of my immediate department that I conenct with on a professional and personal level. But it would be nice to just sit and have a lunch with someone IN my department. I am sure someone can relate to that..........


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I turn 36 in a month and 4 days. I am not excited as I usually am for my own personal holiday. I do not want any particular gifts. I do not want a party. Last year I combined my 35th w/ my bachelorette party so that was fun.  I get very introspective around this time of the year. I start to evaluate everything I did post-undergraduate (because let's face it...after college is when the real decisions start happening).  Where do I go right? Where did I go wrong? Often times the Wrongs outweigh the Rights. 2014...a lot of rights were going on. I got married. I settled into a new home. I got a raise at work...a lot of rights. So tell me why I still feel like I haven't done anything? Maybe because those weren't necessarily my goals for my 35th year. I havent accomplished half of what I wanted to do in 2014.... I am not done with this degree. I havent gotten back on track in the areas I wanted to focus. I didn't travel to the places I wanted to go (aside from a lovely Mexican honeymoon).  I am lacking focus. I wonder how I get there. Maybe I need to yoga or meditate or something.........

1 comment:

  1. I am so feeling this post, every last word.

    ReplyDelete

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