Marshmallow Blues and Honeymoon Dreams

My wedding is in 4 months and 20 days............

I work out. I eat right 90% 85% if the time...  Granted I've been sick off and on for the better part of 8 months as well....and my fear is that I will appear like this coming down the aisle:

I've always had a struggle with maintaining a healthy weight. Even when I was in high school and barely 125 lbs..I had "thick thighs" and got teased. So naturally, I do not want to waddle down the aisle looking like a big, puffy marshmallow. I picked a wedding dress that will suck in my shape. But knowing the tag says "Size 20" is so disheartening. And most of it is boobs and my tummy...blah!

I have a dress fitting in almost a month. And I know that I will not have lost anything. I thought about doing some Arden's Garden detox for a few days. Or just forgoing meat. Or giving up my daily, 2 oz chocolate habit....

But I like food. And I like working out. But I also don't like having liver issues or a slow thyroid...so that makes it even harder.

Not to mention...I wanna wear a bikini for the first time on my honeymoon. I wanna come out the water like Halle Berry on James Bond.....or like that amazon Serena Williams on the beach...

(I hate her *smh*)

I wanna be able to not have my gut hang over my bikini looking like Rasputia from "Norbit". I wanna go sarong-free. But no matter how hard I try. How hard i push myself each gym session How hard I switch up calories and what I eat... Nothing. Is. Working. I joined the 90 Day Challenge a with some gals on Instagram and I feel like I am failing miserably.....

I think the greatest lesson I've learned in this is that I have to accept the 35 year old body I have now and work with it. I will just lace up some corsets and keep it moving under my dress. I will just rock a sassy one piece and not that Wonder Woman Bikini I was thinking about........ 

I've vented to my mother and my FMIL who both are like "Girl bye...just rock it and keep it moving"........ But I am paranoid about back fat and waving arms............ I feel so sick.

But....

Then I think about my fiance's face. Who will prob be wet with tears when he seems me coming down the aisle on my brother's arm..............and who , on the honeymoon, will be ready to take of ALL clothing and will be like "Why you packing clothes in the first place?" (LMAO)............

At night he whispers to me..." I'm so excited....I cant wait to see you come down the aisle..."and somehow that eases my apprehension........

...then I dream about myself in a giant cloud of white foolishness....with seeping back fat. :(

Lord help me.