September 28, 2012

Interviews with Mocha: That's (Poly)amore'



In this new monthly series  that will be featured on Sex and the Southern Belle, we will be doing interviews with those people involved (directly or indirectly) with issues in sexuality, sex industry,  gender, and relationships.  Some of these interviews will be educational, eye-opening, and hopefully, thought provoking.

This month,  we will be talking to Elle (wife) and Dee (husband), a young, African-American married couple who live a polyamorous lifestyle. What is a "poly" lifestyle? Read our  unedited, unfiltered. interview with the very candid couple:



1) Could you define what "polyamorous" is for those not familiar? What's the difference between that and say "swingers" or "open relationships"? 

Elle: A polyamorous person believes in "multiple loves." Polyamory is having multiple loving relationships with the full-knowledge and consent of ALL parties involved. You could find a couple where one person has an additional partner or partners, both may have extras or they could even be dating the same person or people as a group.
Open relationships and non-monogamy are the umbrella terms for non-traditional relationships like polyamory and swinging. Swinging is different than polyamory because it tends to only involve sexual acts without a relationship between all parties. There are also different levels of swinging. A couple may not switch partners and only have sex in the same room, they could swap and only have oral sex or allow full penetration or they may swap partners without the person they're attached to being in the room.

Dee: Polyamory is the idea that one can have more than one intimate relationship or more than one lover if you will. This isn't the same as having a open relationship where one has sex with multiple partners or swingers where people swap their mates with another couple. Polyamory is more, on the other hand, more than sex. In a poly relationship, you treat your lovers the same as one would treat a lover in a non poly relationship. When one is in a relationship, there are rules of being faithful and while you're loving more than one person, that doesn't give you the go ahead to sleep with people outside of the relationship that has been established.

2) How were you introduced to this lifestyle? Would you even call it a lifestyle?

Elle: I do believe it is a lifestyle. About 9 years ago we discussed opening up our relationship. We started off as just swingers after stumbling across sites like Adult Friend Finder and Swing LifeStyle. It evolved over time into us looking for romantic partners and together having a girlfriend for about a year. She was married and had a "puppy" as she was into BDSM.


Dee:. how I was introduced? One evening me and the wife had a conversation about loving more than one person. We believed that we were swingers at the moment and started attending clubs. Eventually, we realize that we could actually have a relationship outside of the one we had now. As far as calling it a lifestyle? I understand why people would say it but, at this moment, I feel that it's normal. 

3) What makes a polyamorous union work for you and your wife/husband?

Elle: I've made it clear to my husband that I will always love him but that doesn't mean that I won't be attracted to or fall in love with other people. And he feels the same way. It allows us to share with each other how we feel about other people without feeling ashamed or guilty.

Dee: Understanding is what works for us. Being able to communicate also helps as well. We both feel that it's easy for us to love more than one person so there's really no conflict. Being honest and upfront about new loves is the utmost importance in making it work.

4) What are the ground rules for you and your husband? Are they established in the poly community or differ between each poly couple?

Elle: Rules differ among the community but an underlying tenet is that everyone has to be on the up and up. Otherwise it's not polyamory, it's cheating. We still swing from time to time so a main rule is that we always do it together. For polyamory, it's a must that we let the other know if we have feelings for someone as soon as it comes up. It sucks to be blindsided and we'd like to avoid that. If anyone has apprehensions then we halt everything and talk it out. Once someone is on the off-limits list they stay there unless as a couple we decide to remove the restriction.

Dee: Well, I don't know of the rules of most poly couples. Our rules is that we bring the new person to each other to have a talk. We hang out, get to know the other person and if we're satisfied with that person, then we give the ok. In a sense, its like we're both getting use to the person and being comfortable with a new person in our lives. Even if only one is dating that person, we both have to be comfortable with them.

5) You have children. So how will you (if you decide to) explain your lifestyle to your kid(s)? Is there a certain age? Or even things you wouldn't discuss about polyamory?

Elle: We have one young child right now. For him, and any future children, we won't share the intimate details of our other relationships. Our hope is that anyone who is a long-term partner will fill an aunt/uncle role in our children's lives. They will know that their parents love them as a part of the family. Other than that we'll just leave it unless our child asks specifics.

Dee: Since he's small, it won't be much of a problem because he will grow in the family and a poly family is what he'll know. When he gets old enough to understand we will explain in more detail to him. We don't plan on hiding our relationships but, we won't introduce new people to them until we reach the relationship stage.

6) What advice do you have for those couples who would like to establish a polyamorous relationship? Any books or resources you'd point them to?

Elle: Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE! I can't emphasize that enough. Each person has their own expectations and it's not a given that your partner(s) will know. Also, don't rush. Go as slow as the most uncomfortable partner needs. Don't be afraid to talk to other polyamorous people about their experiences. Some good resources are Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up" and Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy's "The Ethical Slut".

Dee: I haven't read any books on this BUT, I would tell new couples to make sure that this is what they want. To actually sit down and imagine their significant other loving another person and to understand how to deal with their emotions. Also, that communication at all times is important. If you feel a certain way, bring it up your lover.





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Thanks Elle and Dee for your candidness and educating us!


If you would have a unique story to share, email me at sexliesandemail@gmail.com




September 27, 2012

Thursday Tunes: Daley ft. Marsha Ambrosius .."Alone Together"



Blue-eyed British soul is BACK and in full-effect. Carrying the torch of Simply Red and George Michael, Daley teams up with fellow Britt Marsha Ambrosius (of solo and "Floetry Fame")  for a silky, smooth soulful treat called "Alone Together". Hailed as the "future of throwback soul" (guess thats the new term for NEO-soul...LOL), much of who Daley is is a mistery. I don't care. Dude is the TRUTH!

Daley released this entire album as a FREE mixtape, bucking the traditional record industry machine (although I'd like to say mixed tapes are getting to be kinda prevalent and mainstream).... but I really love the album.

This is the lead single..and boy is it amazing.... get you some!

September 26, 2012

Wordless Wednesday (sorta)


(in mourning.....)


Hi Readers:

Sorry I haven't been posting much. A lot has gone on with my family. We lost a family member and my mother has been ill. I promise to be back when things get better.

In the meantime, feel free to check out some old posts. New posts coming soon....

*smooches*

September 25, 2012

Cuddling AKA Sexual Skulduggery



It is a super rainy day in ATL. The rain is signaling that fall is fast approaching here and summer is getting its last hurrahs.  There is a slight chill in the air and the rain is beating against the window.

It's officially fall.

You look at your cell phone.

Is that a text?

It's officially "cuddle season".

Oh yes...now is the time of the season where people have to choose to find a "cuddle buddy" aka "a winter boo" aka "cuffing season partner". And it all begins with "cuddling".

You know how it goes. You get a call on a night like this from a dude...say you've had an interest in him for a while now. It could be a dude you used to mess with a while ago. The weather is changing. You might have gained a few pounds and you're a nice "warm body of thickness".  He says.."Hey...I just wanna come over...bring a movie...and "cuddle".

*side eye*...cuddle huh?

I am not about that life. Cuddling is simply the gateway drug of choice of most douche-bags. (LOL). It simply means that they use this as a means to an end to get the panny-drawers.  First..it starts with cuddling. And then you are kissing. Then you feel a big ol baseball bat sized d*ck in your back...And the next thing you know you are doing your own rendition of Jada Fire vs. Lexington Steele's knob-slob fest  (Don't look that up..well...it might be a real movie I am not even sure...so don't quote me)..then the next thing you know you are making pancakes in the morning.

Oh...don't act like that hasn't happened to you! You know you have been duped into the whole "cuddling" thing. It is nothing but sexual skulduggery. That dude had no intentions of just "cuddling". Just be honest and say "Look..I want to come over and smash..and maybe make eggs in the morning. I don't wanna be your man".

I've had arguments with guys that cuddling can simply be cuddling. So what is this? A cuddle party? We all know how I feel about the idea of "cuddle parties" and that's just dumb. I do not believe it. You need more people.

I am sure you can cuddle without sexual repercussions. But if you are a person who is trying to practice celibacy or trying to wait until you have real, deeper intimacy, then cuddling may not be the way. RESIST TEMPTATION AND FLEE THE DEVIL! (lol) Cuddling is just entirely too deeply an act. You have skin to skin contact. Your breathing is intermingling with someone else. Surely intimate conversations are happening.

Hmmmm...


Cuddling. Nope. I'm not about that.

September 18, 2012

The Bush Is Back


In my Gender and Sexuality class this semester (part of my secondary work in Women's Studies/Feminist Theory),  the topic for class was on Body Hair and Gender. More specifically, we discussed how body hair has become genderized. We have new phenomena of straight men doing "manscaping". Women who (esp. in the early days of feminism) rejected shaving under their arms and embraced hairiness.

But the topic then turned to sex and specifically, the whole boom of hairlessness (aka the Brazilian waxing that I often rave about). Women in my class seemed like it was so gross to do that. I was like "Well..it's a common courtesy to just wax and trim...wouldn't want anything to get to be a distraction from handling oral sex". They all bucked their eyes like "I've NEVER had a man NOT want to go down on my because I have hair.......". I just gave them the side eye. My bisexual classmate (who is cool as hell) said "Well...the BUSH is back in 2012....going into 2013....."

Really? So the bush is back??

As winter approaches, I get a little lax on my "trimming". I do not shave as often. I def don't wax as often yet I still tidy up down there and go pretty bare or low. But I haven't had a full bush in a very long time. Like.....BEFORE I was married.

To hear that bushes are back is a good thing I suppose. I mean, waxing isn't a joyful experience. I do it as a necessity. I want oral sex easy to handle for my partner. I like a smooth look in my sexy lingerie. I don't like to sweat down there. I shave everywhere....and only occasional my legs because my hair is too faint to be cutting up my skin like that.

But the bush is back is like a good pair of throwback Jordans. And I suppose there is a market for the hairy bush and "wilderness" look now. Tribal is in (LOL). And in this period of celibacy (yeah we back on taht....) I might as well run wild and free. I'm not in a relationship and pickings are slim for coitus. LOL... Aint like no one but my gyno will see my snookie. And I am sure she has seen a bunch of hairiness.... grey..old..and young...curly and sleek....


 Perhaps I can embrace the bush and embrace some Africanness. Some raw sensuality and earthiness..... I let it grow wild and hear the beating of a djembe.... I wrap my head in my cloth and wear big brazen hoop earrings...I do a hip gyration pulsating mating dance....and do clicking with my tongues and do a warrior woman cry...





...well at least for the winter. :)

September 11, 2012

The Abortion: A Poem

The night I found out...
I had it.
I felt it.
It kicked and moved inside of me..
I knew it would grow and grow
and manifest into something so beautiful
Something wild and free
That grew out of love
I'd rub the place where it lived
without a name or a place
or a time in which things would

I thought I did everything right this time
I took care of it.
Thought of every scenario
and prepared for it.
It let the possibilities be planted there
And you told me I could keep it.
I could have it all to myself.

Then the possibilities grew..and grew..
until it felt was though I was bursting.
And nothing fit anymore
because i was running over with happiness.
And I glowed
And everyone saw it...

I was ready. more than willing
to carry this thing through
full term
But i heard Bob say..
"Kill it before they grow..."

I never said I'd be the perfect vessel for this
But you weren't the perfect donor
I knew that. And I knew only imperfect people can make a perfect love.


Maybe I'm not meant to mother it
to be a place to let this grow
and where seeds like this can be planted
maybe I'm just a surrogate.
sometimes. not all the time.
But sometimes..
It would be nice if it would stay.
if it would grow.


I wish love would have grown.
I wish you would have let it.
Before you killed it.

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