April 27, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling: Short and Sweet

dig a denim jacket with a tie
(These brothers are sharp...courtesy of Andre' Kardashian's Pinterest Board)




FEELING

  • MAXWELL IS COMING!! 2 nights, all the albums IN FULL, Phillips Arena!
  • Free stuff with coupons
  • Themed Food nights. Fridays are usually Tacos for me. Or Fish. Or Pizza.
  • Michael Ealy and his sex scenes in "Think Like A Man"
  • I like odd things like Full Lips w/ Green Eyes. Or Freckles on dark skinned folks. Or real negro features on SUPER light people. That's so dope and unusual
  • Pinterest (that bears repeating)
  • men who read books. enjoy reading books. it's sexy
  • My upcoming Tango class
  • girls who have ownership of their curves
  • being curvy but FIT
  • planning pretend weddings.
  • dapper dressed men...(.and no...it's not "gay". it's just high fashion. i wish more men knew that!)
  • Marc Jacobs
  • Tom Ford
  • like i deserve to be adored. everyday. every second of every minute of every hour of everyday. Not obsessively..but enough to where I deserve a damn phone call once or twice a day
  • Usher's "Climax"
  • Brandy's new album...




NOT FEELING

  • dating sites and who they pick as your 80% and above matches. These men are not men I could take home to my mama. Why? Cause they are unsightly. While I am not big on the physical, I don't need to squint or put a paper bag over your head to be with you. At all! Fuckability is key, ya'll.
  • your bad spelling is such a turnoff. Granted I am not the best speller but if you misspell basic words like "you"....then we have a problem. A BIG one.
  • THEN the ones who reject you make it seem so arbitrary. "Uhm..on your profile it says you wanna have sex 3-5 times a week. I need EVERYDAY. sorry. We aren't a match!" HUH?? *scratches head*
  • Why do I even bother???  Why? Cause I am a sucker for the possibilty of love and romance.
  • WHY? cause when I thought ............anyway *DELETE*
  • I need a date to the Maxwell concert. Alas...it'll prob be me and my girl
  • That's no fun. I'd be too aroused...and uhm..I do not swing that way...LMAO!
  • All my friends have "spring time boos".....not i. *smh*
  • I have SUCH an odd looking face. At one point, I had considered rhinoplasty. I am dead serious.
  • Unnecessary lies. You didn't have to lie about take a woman on a trip with you. We aint together, homie.
  • going to the gynecologist. She assaults me. I don't mean physically (lol). It's a mental assault "Sooo...you are getting older...do you want BC or will you be getting pregnant?" *sigh* Just draining.
  • Usher needs to make more "ballads"
  • wanted
  • needed
  • adored..even though I know I deserve it. Adoring myself...gets old :)
  • like I wanna add anymore to this list. /FIN.

April 26, 2012

Thursday Tunes: Melanie Fiona.."Been That Girl"


Melanie Fiona is not only gorgeous but super duper talented...I saw Melanie Fiona (last name Halim) in concert last year with Marsha Ambrosius.  She and all her ebony flowing black hair was amazing! And while I've always  loved her since her debut album The Bridge (which contained hits like "It Kills Me" and "Give it to me Right")  the Canadian songstress of Guyanese decent really sealed the deal for me with her follow up album The MF LIFE. 




Although there were tons of songs I liked on her sophomore album, none struck a chord with me like the short song she wrote with Drake (Yes..the Drake...he was also her former band member back in the day) called "Been that Girl". It was gut wrenching to me (or maybe I was going through some period of rejection..who knows).  Say what you want about Drake...he may be a little "emo"...but he can definitely tap into some raw emotions. I think because Drake actually LOVES women. and you can tell. True..he has his little rap persona...but if you heard his last album...you'll realize it's mostly a facade.

Anyway.."Been that Girl" made me put it on repeat a few times... I sat...drinking a glass of wine and nodding my head in agreement to the lyrics:

Oh, when he's calling
Your name out
When he needs you back
In his life
Cause he's got some secrets 
And all of them came out
When it's all in your name
But you can't make the payment
He needs you to stay
But you wanna go
I know





Guess we've all been that girl huh? We might be that girl right now... who knows!

Enjoy!


April 25, 2012

Wordless Wednesday



(A moment of silence for the blue-eyed sexy thang that is Michael Ealy...sweet mother of GAWD!)

April 23, 2012

"Think Like a Man" and Subliminal Messages....


This evening, after turning in my LAST paper of the semester, my one and only (aka My Mama) and I went to have dinner and see "Think Like a Man". I enjoyed the eye candy. I enjoyed every single damn scene Michael Ealy was in..(WHEW!!!)...and I loved Kevin Hart's comedy and vulnerability...I even like Gary Owen (though limited in his role) as the voice of reason.....I loved all the cameos... It was a GREAT movie...don't get me wrong...

But....the feminist in me has some G8damn concerns.

What is the message we are sending to women??


All the women in the movie were pushing the men....pushing them to do the right thing..pushing them to be their best and live out their dreams.. and HOPING in turn they get their dreams. Yo...I am not feeling that. I was married to a dreamer..who, despite me pushing and encouraging NEVER had his dreams materialize…and you get tired.I can only motivate so much. We had the long term talk. We had the short term talk. If a nugget ain't moving...he ain't moving!! YOU, MAN, have gotta MOVE!  Which is part of the reason I got divorced....HE actually TOLD ME…."I mean..I have a hard time formulating a plan. Just GIVE ME THE PLAN…and I'll do it."  YO!!! That ain't my muthafunking job to motivate you….grown ass man! You need to be a self-starter.  I gots no damn time....materialize and act. Have a dream for yourself...and our family. What happens, in reality, is you spend so much time motivating a grown ass man who is playing "lost victim"....that you have no time to realize your own dreams..THEY get put on the back burner (i.e me putting my PhD off for YEARS...)...just so you HOPE your happily ever after occur. Once again....that ain't my muthafunking job.

Seriously... the messages I got from the movie were amazing....

What should women do: Support a dreamer? Be patient with a reformed hoe/player??  Help a man "grow up?" Possible male abuse is funny?? Your female sex is no possession of yours..but a "gift" to give to men in negotiation for a relationship…you have no ownership of it. Mama's boys are a mess (that one is pretty accurate) but just be patient and they will ALWAYS choose you (Yeah right). 

SPOILER ALERT: and that picnic scene w/ Regina Hall and Terence J? "Get my hamburger, woman???"  *blank stare* Who the fuck you talking to??? Certainly not Mocha Peach! Not even in jest....*smh*So now you grew some damn balls cause your mama finally fucking? *rolls eyes* Dude...get outta here! Then she SUBMITS and says "Yeah baby..what you want on your damn burger??"   Ugh...gag me, yo!


AND WHILE I LOVED the Michael Ealy/Taraji P Henson plot. (those love scenes were so classy...)..I didn't like this whole "She acts like a man so she doesn't need a man" type of dialogue. Being at the top of her game isn't acting like a man. It's achieving goals. She wanted an economic and intellectual equal.  But whats so wrong with that???? White folks do that sh(t all the time. And while I am not normally for Eurocentric standards of living...let's face it...we live in Amerikkka. It matters a little, man. You don't want a self-absorbed asshole..but you do want someone JUST as driven as you are...who puts you first too..that you can have a conversation with and not have to explain yourself all the time.  While I have no problems if I dated a chef (HELLO..I LOVES me some G Garvin..)...what I won't do is date a dreamer endlessly. AND...as I said before. motivating you is NOT my fucking job, son. I understand that most black women (including myself) are really conditioned to be Christian-based, "woman submit....man is the head...you are the neck...you are the helpmate..he must provide..."-type of mentality. But in a job market where most women out earn men...and more women go to college than men...and more dads are staying home with babies or working from home...we gotta be real. Do what works best for YOU and your house!

 Now..I am all for the message of courtesy (open the doors, men pay for the dates initially,not asking for dates via text,  be patient and not rush into sex and REALLY get to know people....)...some of it just irked me. It was just a reverse-fairy tale I wasn't really feeling I guess. *shrug*..(Michael Ealy...is finer than frog hair ..shit..most of the men were fine...*shrug* )

And I go back an forth with my love/hate of the 90 day rule. I've waited 90 days...and dude turn out to be a fucking ass. I've waited 9 days....and dude was great to me. It's a fucking crap shoot. Look at me now! I've waited a YEAR.........has anything materialized? Hell fuck naw, bruh! (LOL) So look..do what's best for you. Don't have sex to make the man like you. Don't rush in to it. AND even the MOVIE sent a mixed message...Taraji/Mike was fucking out the gate (LOL).... Now that I won't encourage...then again..I am also for sex-positivity (meaning a non-conservative, positive view of sex in a safe space for adults of any orientation or belief and on their own terms).  Eh..even I am torn about that whole waiting 90 days..honestly.

I am also wondering...if this cast was all white..and some white guy wrote this book...I think it would have been hailed as very anti-woman, and anti-feminist.  What is a "lady" anyway but some construction of  "woman" under male patriarchy? What is "thinking like a man"?? Gender is a social construction! Just like race is....Some black women, I also learned, are quite anti-feminist (despite feminism being beneficial to them).. shocking to me stupid as hell to me actually... But because we are black women in desperate needs of partners, I guess we were supposed to take all the help we could get, huh?


(Some of this probably will went over your heads and you don't understand my criticism. It's ok...I have a reference list of books for you all to read :)

BUT....all is not lost....

I DO like the fact that the movie made men take a long, hard look at themselves and their underlying issues. You must examining your own faults. Men are quick to be very dismissive of their own issues...examine yourself. Allow vulnerability...allow some patience in getting to know a woman...man UP....and realize it's not a game...It's not a war. It's life. AND not only do women need men....men need women. That I did appreciate...machismo aside.

Once again...my criticism doesn't take away from the sheer entertainment value of the  movie. I laughed. I went "awwww". I had a good enjoyable time. There wasn't too much coonery on a Tyler Perry level so I was good!


But seriously...Michael Ealy can spread chocolate mousse cake on me ANY time....seriously..

April 20, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling



Feeling

  • unappreciated. Although a negative..I am feeling that.
  • adventerous. Got a lot I need to accomplish this summer
  • when he says "hey gorgeous face...." It melts me so
  • while he may say that to a lot of women....(LOL)..I feel it's special.
  • the cool side of the pillow
  • dapper dressed dudes
  • someone reading poetry to me
  • silence.
  • drinking cold  El Jimador while listening to old Phoebe Snow records....
  • heavy breathing
  • more silence
  • Instagram
  • Tweetgram
  • Twitter
  • booty. I just appreciate a nice ass...male or female
  • a foot tattoo
  • legalization of soft drugs
  • nipple and clitoris piercings....
  • The Blog Bitches Gotta Eat and her corresponding FB page. LOVE HER.
  • Erotic Art
  • old fashioned puzzles with 1500 pieces, and doing them while I sip roobios tea
  • pics of gorgeous black babies.
  • sexual
  • weird. I'm just a weird person



Not Feeling

  • appreciated (See above)
  • secure
  • like there is a reason to smile...Oh I smile..but I mean SMILE till it hurts and I have tears.
  • my sense of style. I think I need June Ambrose in my life.
  • transgressive behavior.
  • like any diet plan works for me except something UNDER 1200 calories a day.
  • Facebook
  • like i have that person to call when I am in crisis
  • that people come to me like i'm their sex/love Guru..and my fucking love life is in shambles. Dont come to me. LMAO!
  • people who judge the sex lives of others. Get your life together.
  • or that I am the person that someone calls in crisis
  • beautiful. I simply don't feel beautiful
  • that the only men who DO hit on me...are homeless, hideous and/or crazy..oh and old...
  • healthy. I gotta get in shape this summer. My breasts are weighing me down
  • supported. Where is my rock?
  • like my brand of beauty is whats up....i'm strange. I dig that.
  • like dating. I'm so done right now. No more answering calls. or getting set up. I am done.
  • Nuggets who randomly contact you out the blue
  • people who comment on the blog and don't comment DIRECTLY to the subject matter at hand. Just go wayyyyyyyyy off base. This generally happens in life.
  • special enough for someone to take a chance on me..thats in anything: work, love, school, etc.
  • that my brother is so far away. I miss him so
  • the closest I'll get to a baby IS some pictures. LOL
  • Skype sucks now. no one does it anymore. 
  • sexy (bit difference between sexual and sexy)
  • like I'll have time to read all the books..see all the movies..and things on my break.
  • like my weirdness is appreciate. I'd like my weirdness appreciated.

April 16, 2012

The Truth: Faking Orgasms




We all do it.
All women do it.
This is a universal fact..,

So get over it men.

But our reasons why may surprise you.

In my women's studies class, I was responsible for presenting on the sexual, personal and political implications of faking orgasms. Yes... Political.

This presentation was right up my alley. I mean, I'm a sex blogger for goodness sakes. While I always felt my orgasm or lack there of was a highly personal thing, I never thought of my faking it was some sort of participation in patriarchy or capitalism.

Hard to understand? Let me explain....

As women, when we fake orgasms, we totally remove ourselves from the sexual experience. We play into the stereotypes of passive women who just "take" sex. We are the ones who are laboring in the sex: giving men our orgasms as a "gift" to their hard work.  Sex becomes a negotiation. Orgasms become our capital in sexual economy. Women feel that a man is the only one who can GIVE you an orgasm. Men hold all the power. All the moves.


Furthermore, because so much emphasis is made on vaginal  orgasms (that guess what...most women do NOT have) little is paid attention to clitoral orgasms. Therefore, we are just "faking to make it".


SO why DO we fake it???  Women are not vocal all the time. They don't want to disappoint men. They want men to be happy. They want to stroke egos and make sure that a guy isn't mad at them. They don't want the man to leave them.  They don't want to cause an argument. Sometimes we are just tired and just want to sleep. Our  knees hurt (lol). We don't want to have sex with you ultimately and maybe just want it over with.....Also, we've been so desensitized to sex via porn that we have no idea what sex is supposed to look. Furthermore, there is an expectation, esp in long term relationships that you should be cumming during each and every act of intercourse.

*sigh* So many reasons.... most of which overlap....

I, for one, faked it many a time. Usually vaginally. (Confession: I've NEVER had a vaginal orgasm. Ever. In Life.)  Sometimes clitoral. I've watched enough porn to know what men expect. And I hate to disappoint. And I'm such a good actress (lol).  I kinda like the show of it all honestly. I fake to see if I can fake so convincingly that men will never know I was being fake.  I want to show a guy I am pleased with his performance So I guess in a way, it is a "gift". No one has caught me yet :)

I think, as my research and article pointed out, that there is so much pressure for women to orgasm. Men are always asking "Well did you come? Did you come?" That gets on our nerves until finally were are like ..."Let's FAKE like I came..so he can shut the fuck up!"  I think if men stopped putting pressure on themselves to be superior lovers, which in turns puts pressure on us, there would be less faking. If we would have open dialogue on our sexual expectations, then we would fake less. It's all about communication.

Faking orgasms happen. It's a part of sex. I won't promise that I won't fake anymore...but what I will promise is that I will be much more vocal about what works and what doesn't work.

and you should too :)

April 13, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling



FEELING


  • I met Jill Scott!! I was with my friend Rita and we were at Cheesecake factory! She was so nice! I shook her hand!  She even did a little bow!She had her cute son and looked amazing!!! *sigh* I had a serious girl crush!
  • Jill is a goddess that can do no wrong..an Aries Goddess. *le swoon*
  • Our waiter was so gay and excited (LOL)..he tipped us off that Jill was in the corner booth!
  • That made my whole week! Seriously!
  • The semester is ending
  • I think Imma bring the full bush, 1970s pubes back. I mean..why torture myself with the waxing. I doubt anyone is gonna see it for a while. *shrug*
  • ASOS.com
  • Zara.com (LOVE IT)
  • Canibus brownies (I've never had any...I just like the idea)
  • legalized prostitution and labor unions for sex work.
  • I love my women's studies classes more than my English classes.
  • Just 1.5 more years to go.....let's hope at least....we shall see...
  • Scandal. I like that show....
  • Surprise visits...
  • laughing until I cry
  • Big KRIT
  • Monica's new album
  • Passion at first sight
  • Melanie Fiona's MF Life album....
  • Intimacy....I crave it




NOT FEELING

  • I was too chicken shit to take a pic with Jill Scott. I didn't want to be a stalker and shit.
  • I hate that brandy and monica song..but they sound great. sad. smh
  • Frustrated. I looked at the calendar and realized I would have been married 6 years next week. 
  • I am not upset that I am divorced. But....so much could have occured by then
  • I fucking HATE dating. I hate the "new meetings". I hate pretending like I give a sh*t that you like Dutch Windmill arts (lol). I hate wasting my new shoes and  I don't like your yapping dog, son! Your little kid is a fucking brat!  I just hate dating...the "interview" process of it all.
  • I am tired of school. Just tired. Not having someone to come home to afterwards makes it even more exhausting
  • That being said...i still don't like dating and don't want to though (LOL).
  • My friends who were both friends with me AND me ex....need to pick a muthafucking team. You cant be friends with both of us. LOL
  • I def dont wanna be friends with any of his friends. Blah... 
  • When your man's BFF is a girl. I guarantee he's just "glass dick in a jar".
  • Speaking of which...I wouldnt mind some "in house" cause I am stressed the F**k out. *sigh*
  • Kerry Washington always looks like something smells.
  • That i've had no shoe blog inspiration...maybe soon
  • My "love life" is like one really long , unfunny, unsexy episode of Sex and the City. On repeat smh
  • Nicki Minaj's weird turn of style.....or maybe she's just always been a clusterfuck of awfulness
  • That my job is open during the summer. *sigh*
  • today is Friday the 13th....*shudders*
  • my DVR will never hold enough of the great TV shows that are..*sigh*
  • Intimacy....it alludes me.

April 12, 2012

Thursday Tunes:Issac Hayes- "You're In My Arms Again"

The great Isaac Hayes, aka Black Moses. To most modern kids, he is known as the voice of "Chef" on South Park. But to us kids, who were raised on Soul, know him as Black Moses...Truck Turner. A man with a silky baratone, serious 1970s seduction. He was the man at legendary Stax records, the epitome of Memphis soul. I keep thinking about the first time I saw Isaac Hayes, in the Wattstax movie. He was the man who crafted the Shaft soundtrack. HE also wrote what I think is the longest song on earth...."By the time I get to Memphis..."





Someone sent me this song. I think they were thinking of me



...I swooned. 

All I could imagine was us in daishikis, with bead curtains, lava lamps, incense, body oil and velvet paintings..and a slow love scene sequence form a Blaxploitation film.



Don't you just love 1970s soul??

April 9, 2012

Faking Orgasms: Discussion Intro




This video is part of a discussion for my women's studies Sexuality and Society class. We will continue our discussion later this week....stay tuned :)

Nomads: An Accidental Poem via Text

Me: Your kisses are everything... Like water to a nomad in the desert...*sigh*

He: My lips were wandering until they found yours...
Me: Well....welcome home, darling.


:)

Veni Vidi Vici: A Poem

For your eyes were set upon me
Antelope for the lion's mouth
Prey that had no choice
But to succumb to little deaths
Electric blue was the energy
Upon first sight
The hunger consumes the hunter
Anticipation thick like fog
A seductive haze filled aura
You saw...

You entered me
Body and soul
Tongue fanning flames
Hands gripping aroused flesh
Swollen femininity and engorged manhood
Meet at a secret dwelling space
Arrive together in a cloud
Sweat becomes nourishment
Sweet relief. Prize rewarded
For no real reason other than lust
Beats pulsate but no music plays
A trance becomes erotic dance
Thrust into an orbit
Salty tears signal arrival
To a destination only you could navigate..
you...came

And once it was over
It's back to normal
As if it was all nocturnal emission
No use for love
No use for it
The quest narrative
The migration piece
Complete with denoumount
The action of rising and falling hips
Breathing has stopped
The novel complete
You're done with fantasy
Reality loses its luster
Nothing left to say but ...
You conquered.


These words should be the last you utter to me.

April 6, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling: 33 Things





Feeling:

  1. My new-found ability to just get up and travel whenever I damn well please (one perk of being single).
  2. Hotel beds...they are so comfy
  3. My trip to DC
  4. Seemed like every dude in DC had  a beard...sexy!!!
  5. Tequila shots (pretty much anything w/ tequila in it)
  6. My good girlfriends
  7. Brunch
  8. Dancing in hot, tight reggae clubs
  9. warm hugs
  10. making new friends...
  11. I feel in love with this Chinese spot in DC called Meiwah...*sigh* It was near my hotel and I swear I should  have taken some back with me
  12. Easter dinner...I love ham..sue me. I will not be giving up pork in my lifetime. *shrug*
  13. U street...
  14. Still love my IPhone and my IPod....
  15. The smell of new books (and yes..I own a Kindle..but new book smell is awesome!)
  16. no summer classes! I am going to rest for 3 months........seriously rest and read for leisure and watch my DVR and take tango lessons and work out like a beast...more time!
  17. First kisses........and when people moan when they kiss. *shivers*



Not Feeling:

  1. Bust my ass on the pavement in DC..LMAO! My heels + drunkenness= a bad idea on any day
  2. I can't travel as often as I WANT...otherwise I'd be gone every weekend.
  3. I've done the traveling solo thing...next time...I want some penis in tow (or there when I arrive. LOL)
  4. That I am forgetful as shit...
  5. Hotel air makes my throat hurt every time....*sigh*
  6. Not spending enough time with those you care about...
  7. I didn't make it to Ben's Chili Bowl..*sigh*..(just means I gotta plan another DC trip)
  8. My mother is often ALWAYS right...and sometimes...it hurts (I am glad for that..but it hurts)
  9. Bored with my locs...(glad I got a wig seriously...)
  10. The Easter Bunny is a scary mo-fo. He is right up there with clowns and the BK king for me....
  11. Prudish people. This is 2011! CMON
  12. My trips have been TOO SHORT this year.
  13. Lingerie is not really made for big/busty girls...not the real cute stuff anyway
  14. not enthusiastic about school. I am burnt out
  15. despite having my celibacy over....now I'm like "Ok..now what??" LMAO! Is it back to being celibate? I dunno...*shrug* I don't feel like "dating"..I don't feel like just "sexing". I just am going to be still....and wait...
  16. No summer travel plans thus far...I need some...any ideas?

April 5, 2012

Thursday Tunes: Bob Marley..."Is This Love"

It's hard to narrow down ONE single, solitary Bob Marley song that I love. Ever since I was 8 years old, and stumbled across my father's old, dusty copy of "Legend"....I was hooked. I would clean my room to Bob Marley ,shaking my 2 little curly ponytails and dancing..... I've always loved reggae..

Robert Nesta Marley may be more famous for his brood of children as well as his massive body of influential work. Born in St. Anne Parish Feb 6 1945, to a white plantation owner and an 18 year old Jamaican girl (Cedella Booker). he recognized his "double consciousness" and duality as a biracial Jamaican but was most influenced by Rastafarian movements and Marcus Garvey. Later in life, he joined Bunny Wailer, Joe Higgs, and the Peter Tosh (also one of my fav artist btw....) as The Wailers. I could go on and on about the history of Bob Marley, the influence of his music, all his concubines and kids(lol)...but most audiophiles already know..... Bob Marley IS reggae to some.... My fav album is "Exodus"...it's just...sheer perfection

I chose the live version of "Is this Love"....one of my fav Bob Marley songs ever. It's a simple, sweet little love song. About a boy..who loves a girl..and wants to give her the world (and some good love)..in the most simplest of ways...because what he feels is love...and doesn't care!

My Fav lyrics:


I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I I'm willing and able,
So I throw my cards on your table!
See: I want to love ya, I want to love and treat ya,
love and treat ya right.

I want to love you every day and every night,
We'll be together, with a roof right over our heads!
We'll share the shelter of my single bed,
We'll share the same room, yeah! Jah provide the bread.
We'll share the shelter of my single bed





This song just makes you wanna fly to Jamaica and make love on the beach...(or maybe that's just me....)

I love Robert Nesta Marley! He reigns forever! :)

April 2, 2012

So Shall It End...

So I made a conscious decision, sometime last year to have 1 year of celibacy until my birthday.

Needless to say...that period is over. And I ended it. 
(Yes...with sex).

It was beautiful. Amazingly sensual. Connected in a way I hadn't experience in a very long time....And it was worth waiting for. The person respected my body and my needs. I didn't feel used .I didn't feel coerced or harassed. I didn't feel like I lost myself. If anything, I felt powerful that I had will power this long and did NOT give my cookies away to the first joker who batted his big brown eyes at me and flashed a cunning smile. I didn't feel once ounce of guilt or remorse. This isn't to say that I had this transcendental experience while making love. It was just..........nice for a change.


Yep...I waited a year. And I am better for it.

Although some will judge and go, "Well..why not wait until your husband comes....".  Uh...while I want to get married...that may be 6 months to 6 years from now. I do not know when/if that will happen. (Actually....you know what..nevermind...I'm not trying to scare you all. LOL)... I am a sexual creature and if I want to, I will. I feel that way about anything in my life...if I want it...I'll have it. One way or the other. It was my choice to begin it. And it was my choice to end it.

I grew tired of celibacy. Not because I met someone.....not even because I fell in love (I hadn't BTW...) or because I was bored. Honestly..it was about 8 months into it..and I realized..."Hmm..I don't know how I can go on longer than a year". I realized I was HUMAN.  But the year has been productive. I cleared my head. I refocused my energies. I got a LOT accomplished without that distraction. I prioritized my sexuality, carefully guarding it from hooligans and mistreatment. And when I was ready...I was mature and focused. I saw it for what it was......and that made me feel so much better.

Sex is beautiful. It's fun when you are SAFE and that includes not only wrapping your privates but wrapping your heart.  It is great when a person isn't using you or disrespecting you. It's great when you do your research....and celibacy was part of the research.

Now...I am not about to go on some "penis parade" after this. Furthermore,  I'm not even about to fill you in on all the sexual acrobatics and details....(*fans self*)...or my sex life in general.. No way...if anything celibacy has taught me that selection is key. Not that I was OUT THERE...but really selecting people based on the inner workings of their soul is MUCH better than physical attractiveness, or sexual energies, or overall erotic slants. The selection process for me was about who I could share my gift with that a) would respect me in the morning and b) feel special that I chose them to end this period with. I didn't want my nerves to get the best of me. And it didn't. (Not to mention..I realized I hadn't lost my *cough* touch.............LMAO!)

I think it worked out alright...

Would I be celibate again? Sure. Would I WANT TO BE? no. I'd be celibate if there is no opportunity to share myself with someone worthy. And my criteria for worthiness has most certainly increased in length. It has nothing to do with the outer, and everything to do with the inner self.

It wasn't some grand experiment or anything. I actually healed my heart by removing that sexual distraction. It was a spiritual fast that really did some good. I am so glad I did it...

I am better for it. And I think my true beauty is showing....:)

And maybe the "XY"s see that too...

April 1, 2012

Isn't/He: A Poem

Is he this?
He is... isn't he?
He is nourishment and every meal:.for breakfast..lunch..and dinner..dessert and snacks in between 
HE is spicy and sweet/Domestic and Exotic/Dark and Tall/Moody and Earthy/Amazing and Overwhelming/Magical Realism and Naturalism
He is what has consumed...what rages in me a want for him like an all consuming fire.
HE is the arms in which I lay....where my head perfectly fits.
He has the lips that quench my thirst...
He is the tongue that bathes my tortured skin.
He is the thickness that engulfs me.
He is....isn't he?
He is tonic and elixir...
He is what swells inside my womanhood, filling me fully, completely
He is the smell of Christmas morning, Sunday dinners and Valentine's Day candy..
He is the balm for my heart...Neosporin for my old wounds and battle scars
He is the pornographic and erotic, a sensual terrorist staking his claim
He is the possessor of the tool of love that touches my spine, like the life force of human kind depends on it.
Is he this?
Isn't he? He is..
He is the vodun, the Santeria, candomble..obeah.pulsating, transcendent beat. You are an Orisha sent to baptize me. Work your hoodoo on me, conjure love in my soul
He is the smell that lives on me...in my hair..on my skin.. dancing on my tongue....in the folds of my vagina..through my sweat...he lives.
Is he? 
He is...
HE is sex and laughter. Pain and pleasure. Art imitating life imitating art again.
He is Warhol painting and Basquiat, Pollack abstractness and womanly O'keefe wombs...
He is dance and movement, Mitchell, Ailey and Dunham, Geoffrey Holder dancing in bare feet, tango and Abekor, waltz and merengue..salsa and slow grinding.
He is jazz and reggae beat, blues and gospel, sanctified and Secular, devils music in angelic embodiment.
He is meaning and syntax, prose and poem, complicated trajectory of thoughts and mathematics, logic and reason, soliloquy and dialogue...
He is like heroin in my veins, addicted to nothing more than the sound of his voice.
He is this.
He is.
Isn't he?
Him.....what love feels like
Is he.











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