I've committed myself to grabbing life by the balls and going hard in the paint for the pursuit of happiness and blissfulness.
Remember...the mantra is "Bliss is your Birthright"
Just 2 months into these grandiose plans, they appear to be thwarted by some mystic figures I like to call Fate and Fuckery.
Let's start with Fate, shall we?
Fate is working my nerves. She's having a field day on my last black one that I possess. She's fucking with me on the job, making a mockery of the hard work I do. As soon as I feel 1 steps ahead, I get knocked down 2 steps. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel unappreciated but this is the fate I chose of being a worker/student. No one at work understands and no one at school realizes I'm doing the best I can. In under a pressure cooker ...boiling and festering.
Speaking of school, I feel like a novice even going into the end of my 2nd year of PhD work. What do u wanna do with this? What shall I be? Will I be smart? Or have something profound to say? I get nervous. I feel like I love books and hate bureaucracy so how will I make it . How can I merge to an understanding of self and scholarship that is beneficial for me? Fate is pushing me to be better, to step out on faith....but I am scared.
Fate is testing her limits. With my friends. With my family. She's trying to have her way and I can't learn to be in the moment and learn the lesson . Therein lies the problem. I can't realize or accept Fate's job: to polish my armor to fight the battle another day.
But that bitch Fuckery????
Oh she has decided to land smack-dab in he middle of my personal life. She moved into the guest room of my heart. Fixed a fucking sandwich with my last piece of mesquite turkey and made herself comfortable on my life's couch, having my life be her cable TV. And is draining me of all my energy. Fuckery is a succubus.
Fuckery landed in my personal life in the worst way. She took over my brain, had me spewing all kinds of irrational shit simply because I was afraid.
Fuckery had me not believing in the possible. It was planting delusions in my head, because she likes to do that for shits and giggles. She had me thinking that little black girls can't have fairy tale endings; that someone couldn't just "be into me for me". Surely something was wrong with him or me. It had me say stupid shit like " well if you fuck around on me I understand cause you're a man" or " why are you into me in the first place?". That's not me !! An alien took over my body and replaced it with a ridiculous 15 year old teenager, not the grown ass almost mid-30s woman I truly am.
Fuckery was driving me to insanity and drinking, playing sad ass Sade songs and eating cheese out the package, weeping at the fridge. She was enjoying herself in my home that had previously been swept pristine, an open, receptive heart with a clean slate. Nah.. She was trying to peel the scab off old wounds, trying to make me throw him in the woodpile with every other dude. Fuckery wouldn't let me just fall.....just wanted me to fail.
Fuckery had me over thinking as usual....had me resistant to going with the flow. Instead, it had me annoying the shit outta of him and probably questioning perceptions of me. I'm not that crazy, truly. Fuckery wouldn't let me think before I spoke. I didn't give a damn about anyone's feelings but my own. I broke every rule I said I wouldn't do.
In the end, fuckery might have won because here I am, back to square one. Doubting myself.
Blissfulness shouldn't be this hard to attain. But I realize now it's my own fault. I'm not listening to Fate and I'm succumbing to Fuckery.
The single, most dopest RAP band that ever lived. What am I saying?? .They are the ONLY rap band that ever lived!! Formed in Philly back in the 90s with Ahmir "QuestLove" Thompson and Tariq "Black Thought" Trotter, at the helm, the Roots merge experimental jazz, hip hop and even a little soul to create their brand of funk. Before they becamse Jimmy Fallon's Alabama Porch Monkeys House band, they were putting out the dopest music ever. Working with the likes of Jill Scott, a young, fresh faced Eve, and Cody Chestnutt, and even soul singers John Legend and Betty Wright, the roots defy what it is to be "neo soul" or hip hop...
And they still are, Their album "Undun" has been in my Ipod rotation for a while...
My fav song, aside from "Silent Treatment" and "You Got Me" (written by Jill Scott, performed w/ Erykah Badu) has to be their song "Break you Off" w/ Musiq. (Fun fact..D'Angelo was supposed to be on the released version...but due to his drug issues..got replaced with Musiq...and the rest is history).
But hip hop isn't supposed to be sexy is it?? It is...Hip Hop is male bravado and sex appeal on display.
And well..this song is pure serious sex, about a dude coming to well...break a chick of...who wasn't getting the loving right. YEah..it's a classic "creep" song..but still...it's hot. Not to mention, Black Thought's raspy voice, like a mix of Rum and Coke and a case of Philly Blunts, hits every spot..... yes..even THAT spot
My fav lyrics: Rollin' down the highway, listenin' to Sade sing the way the smooth operator move my way You sitting beside me Looking like Friday Foster Pam Grier structure look at your body Keep each other thirsty Kisses like Hershey But lips is sealed 'Cause we don't need the controversy I say I'm in town, You say you want it in the worst way You probably told your man it was your it was ya lil's birthday Meanwhile, Its champagne chilling in ice You ready for the freakiest things you done in ya life? We breaking down like we Road dogs pullin' a heist. You making sounds like the vibe got you reaching your heights Prepare for flight, this is your captain I'm getting strapped in Theres no denying the strength Of'dis attraction girl Working with this you won't be taking a loss So stop fooling your man and roll with the one Who's breaking you off
I hear this song in my head when I'm into a dude (ok...just ONE dude in particular)..and I KNOW it's about to go down.(Ok..so I IMAGINE it going down....) It's the theme song to a serious sex session.... Like..the only the song that come come close to this is "Come Close" by Common...or maybe "I Need Love" by LL ...or "Bonita Applebum" by Tribe (Ok so there are more sexy hip hop than I thought out there........either way..this IS the sexiest Hip Hop song to come along in a long time...
Hell naw. Fuck that. I dont want to be your girlfriend. I'm a grown ass woman With needs and desires I got curves and dips and hips Things beyond the teenage concept of this word. Girlfriend? Nah bruh...
I'm not trying to be his Girl.. Or girlfriend. Fuck that. My age has transcended that. I'm trying to be your earth..your necessary feminine energy. My pussy is a wave ocean of orgams. You'd drown in this... No...this isn't any girlfriend shit.
You don't finger this in the back of a school bus In the lockeroom or hallways You bow down to the altar of woman hood On your knees Speaking in tounges. Cunningly This aint no girlfriend shit... Period
Nope. Not trying to be a "girlfriend". No. I wanna be the air you breathe. Your sunshine in the rain. I want to be the peace in your life. I want to be more than a girl who is your friend. Not your girlfriend.
The reason your dick stays hard and makes mornings bearable... The reason you make grown ass decisions for. The reason you put away 3 months salary. The first thought in the morning The last thought at night Yes...my dear.. .that's not even a close to a girlfriend.
I'm not the girl to f*ck I'm not the one to booty call. I'm the one you "do" when you are bored Not the one to keep in your back pocket I'm a mind fuck in itself I'll fuck your mind Exceptionally well...
I'm not your wet dream Your cyber fantasy at 3 am Not the masturbatory aid for your feelings I'll touch you deeper than that. Penetrate the core of you More than any self stroke could do
Fuck that.. I'm not trying to be THAT girlfriend...
I was meant to love you I was meant to please you I was meant to not put up with your excuses And tell it like it is. I wont sugar coat it. Love doesnt do that
I was teased relentlessly in school
Teased about everything...but especially my hair and weight.
I struggled with my weight for a really long time
I tried to be bulimic...until I realized I liked the taste of food
I'm still trying to be a video vixen body with a Condi Rice brain...
I hate to waste money
But I shop sometimes to fill a void
I text because I hate the sound of my voice
I get really angry when I feel like no one is listening or valuing what I say
I tried to commit suicide when I was 21
It was over some bullshit
My dad was mostly mad about the hospital bill
My dad is a source of a lot of pain
Speaking of which..he still brings up the money he "wasted" on a wedding reception.
But...surprisingly...we're getting better.
Yet I resent my mother for staying
I lie about how many "siblings" I have because honestly I don't know
I'm a fantastic artist and painter but never pursued it professionally
Because I am afraid of rejection and failure.
My undergraduate school wasn't my first choice
Neither were either of my graduate schools
My sorority disappoints me
I hate living in Atlanta.
I wish I lived in NYC or London
But Im too afraid to leave
I dont mind being a single mom anymore
The idea used to shame me.
I've never been pregnant.
Celibacy hasn't been as rewarding as imagined.
I cry so much.
At everything these days
Sometimes the things black people do make me so ashamed to be black.
I love my Locs but wish I had "wash and go hair"
I love to cook but hate to eat alone
I don't work out like I should and lie about it to people who ask
I've never had a vaginal orgasm and always fake it.
I'm getting a Phd but don't want to teach so I'm stuck ...
I feel like I dont know half the "theory", fancy-smancy crap my colleagues do.
Men make me nervous
So do crowds. I'm agoraphobic
People think I'm a bitch because of that
I'm just painfully shy
Someone hit me head on in a car accident when I was 19 and I get panic attacks behind the wheel.
I almost died
I'm trying to work on that
I usually lie and tell people I have a suspended license because I'm embarrassed
I'm actually an excellent driver
People ignoring me hurts my feelings
I feel deeply wounded by love
I put on a smiling face but I'm afraid to love
I smoke cigs
I'm trying to quit ...truly
I lie and say I don't to others because they judge
I have a sex blog but I'm pretty conservative
I like sex in total darkness
I drink too much
I swear too much for a woman
Who the fuck cares?
I wear makeup because I don't feel as beautiful without it
I don't believe people when they say they find me attractive
I think something is wrong with them because I think I look odd
Yet I front like I'm ok with myself all the time when it's mostly 75% of the time
I want people to like me
I hate arguing even if I know I'm right
I shamefully use passive aggressive tactics
I say I'm spontaneous and open but i really like routine
I've only held and fed a baby once so to give birth scares me.
Yet I want a baby...
I think I may want a baby more than a husband at this point.
I fear I've lost what it takes to be a good wife I just wanted you to know But I didn't want you to know
The movie that defined a new generation of black men and women : Generation X, neo-soul retro New Negros.... Educated in Franz Fanon , Al Green, Malcolm X, and bell hooks. Eating turkey bacon and having brunch. Brown sugar babies. Brown skinned dapper dudes . Going to pretentious poetry spots, drinking dark liquor on ice and quoting Eldridge Cleaver and Maya Angelou while puffing on a L...on some new age philosophy which wasn't new at all. Black power, civil rights, and women's liberation- fed children.... At the cusp of the new millennium .
Love jones. Period.
The movie that defined me. Late teens/early 20s. Single handily my favorite movie of all time. How many times have I watched it? At Least 200. And that is no exaggeration .
I wanted to be Nina . I wanted to live in a fly ass loft. I wanted to be brown and glowing . I wanted to be sexy with a camera. I wanted to be so fly men were powerless around me. I wanted my stuff to be so good that dudes made cheese omelets in the morning. I wanted to smoke in dim clubs and kiss in the rain.
It wasn't about Nina though ....
But that damn Darius...
I wanted Darius to make poems about me on the spot. For his dick to talk to me. To run an Amtrak train platform looking for me. To grind on him in a reggae club. To go bananas and throw a typewriter because he's lost without me. I'd be his muse... To instantly connect with his friends. For me to be urgent to him ... Urgent than a muthafucker.
The ultimate romance complete with complication and subtlety .
And since I was 18 I've been looking for Darius Lovehall.
Where is he? I've come close. So close. Dated a few. Fell in infatuation with some. Hell, I even thought I married him. Well read, well bred , fly and smooth as silk brothers. The romantics but not romantic in that Eurocentric kind of way . Black folks romantic. Practical romance. But with an epic soundtrack .
I'm almost 33. For 15 years Darius has alluded me. Real love has alluded me. Dashed in and out but never stayed. I tried to not love those kind but I can't help it. My own personal aesthetic won't allow me to be matched with anything less. I need a "Darius".
This isn't to say I'm running around looking for a movie character or Larenz Tate himself. Oh no. Darius is symbolic. Darius is the epitome of black man swag (for lack of a better word) for my generation. And I don't think the Darius model is passé . My mother had Billy Dee Williams in "Mahogany". Hell ... My daddy worshiped at the shrine of Billy Dee flyness. That's how he got my mom. My generation... It's Darius. Billy Dee became Darius Lovehall.
But where is he??
I wonder when the search for my Darius will grow old . Am I going to get tired and realize he's just a figment of my teenage imagination . That he's just a character and there are no real brothers out there even close....
But Darius's words ring in my ears...
" Romance is about the possibility of things. You see it's about the time between when you first meet some fine ass woman and when you first make love to her. And when you first ask a woman to marry you and when she says I do. When people that have been together for a long time say the romance is gone, what they're really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilitties.."
I believe in the possible. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.
Darius is still out there waiting for me.
I was deeply saddened at the passing of Whitney Elizabeth Houston, the undisputed Queen of Pop, at the age of 48, just one night before the Grammys in Los Angeles last Saturday.
Like every little Black girl in America, Whitney was like my version of Princess Diana; glamorous, elegant, and always poised (at least from the outside looking in). I took my hairbrush and looked in the mirror and sang lyrics far too adult for my tender ages. I wanted to be her. She was brown and glowing. She had a 10000 watt smile and was a diva from the start.
Whitney was from musical royalty: Her mother Cissy was part of the group the Sweet Inspirations; her first cousin was Dionne Warrick; her Godmother was Aretha Franklin. She recorded her first song as a background artist to Chaka Khan on "I'm Every Woman" (a song in which she re-recorded for The Bodyguard soundtrack that went on to break records). She was destined to be nothing but greatness. After her first television appearance on the Merv Griffin show when she sang "Home", everyone knew we had seen a star.
So naturally, this Thursday's tunes is dedicated to Whitney. I tried hard, SO hard, to narrow it down to one song that epitomizes her dynamic vocal abilities. But I also wanted a song that resonated with me, who was way past the age of the little girl who sang "Greatest Love of All" with a hairbrush.
I chose "Run to You" from The Bodyguard. The lyrics are so simple but her delivery is TIMELESS and classic. Whitney had this ability to make a song resonate with your core. I thought about the lyrics of this song heading from class yesterday. My Wed night class is long..VERY long. When I come home it so so late, it is dark and quiet as a mouse. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I wished so very much to have someone to come home to. I thought about a person whose arms I'd like to run into....to greet me at the door...and realized...if he only knew...how much I'd want to run.....to you..
But my favorite lyrics in the entire song are from the second verse:
Each day, each day I play the role Of someone always in control But at night I come home and turn the key There's nobody there, no one cares for me What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams Without someone to share it with Tell me what does it mean?
Thank you Whitney for this song. Thank GOD for your voice and lending you to use for 48 years, 30 of which was spent entertaining millions. Recorded almost 20 years ago, this song still speaks to this eternal little black girl, who as we speak, is holding her remote, singing along to your song...
I am earth
deep and wide
Full of water and mass
Inhabited by feelings diverse
I see you tumbling toward me
You are dense and massive
Coming at me
Hard and steady
Set for my heart
I hide it... This love
In my core
Hot and heated
Unsure and unwavering
Volatile and steaming
I don't want you here
But I need to feel you
Foreign object with eyes on me
Beaming orbs of obsidian
Set on a course
A course plotted by the divine.
I pray you reach me unscathed
I feel like we are both asteroids
And like an asteroid .
Feels like this love
was destined to collide, burn and crash Into the atmospheres
Before feeling its impact
How fleeting it was
A shooting star
A spinning top
Supernova swallows us whole
Never to return the same again
My tears are a meteor shower
Pounding on my chest
Pulsating with fear
No impact felt
Back into galaxy
Maybe in another lifetime
We shall meet
We orbit endlessly
I was talking to one of my bff's, purging my soul out to her about a matter of my heart. It seemed rather painful at the the time (but in hindsight I'm not sure why I hurt so bad ). I was trying to hold it together but felt like i was going to choke on my sorrow. When I finally finished, she told me rather plainly :
"Do not cry over him. He isn't worth it"
I snapped back. " If I want to cry , then I will cry"
...and I let out a wail so primal, so gut wrenching that I scared myself. I knew I would cry.
And cry is just what I did. I cried. I locked my door and cried. I soaked my sweater sleeves and cried. I had balled up tissue and cried. I had the asthmatic wheezing type of breathing and cried. My nose as running and my MAC was ruined. I was flush. My stomach hurt. My eyes were red. I cried not because he had done anything wrong. I cried because it felt like the same old game and run around I'd been getting for the past 3 years now. I cried because I feared that the more things changed the more they stayed the same.
What started out as me crying about "some dude", ended up being much more.
I cried for all of 2011. I cried for a shit-filled February. I cried because Whitney Houston is dead and I won't ever get to see her in concert. I cried because she left behind an 18 year old , lost and confused. I cried because her ex husband , he himself a drunk, is now blamed for her demise and has to live with that unfairly. I cried for her mother. I cried at the thought of how she died because it was insane! It made no sense to me. I cried because her song is on the radio. I cried because she has a voice no one will replicate. I cried because she's in heaven. I cried because she was free.
I cried because Don Cornelius put a gun to his head. I cried because his soul was burdened. I cried because I knew that feeling all too well. I cried because Jesus saved me from that very fate in 2001 and I lived to tell it. I cried at the thought of letting it get hat bad . I cried at the thought of the taste of charcoal to pump my stomach.
I cried for all my heartbroken friends. Lonely and sad. My friends who lost parents and children . My friends who lost jobs and security. Friends who are simply just lost. My friends who had miscarriages and can't conceive. I cried for something being in the way of their dreams.
I cried for my mother, still ailing and needing this kidney. I cried cause I couldn't give it to her. I cried because I don't have a better father to support her. I cried because the only man that truly ever loved me back, my brother , was so far away. I cried because my half sister is dead and we were never close .
Finally, I cried for me. I cried because I felt like a fool. I cries because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cried because I might be too selfish to be loved. I cried because I'll be 33 and not where I want to be. I cried because as brave a face I put on I still harbor a little shame at being divorced. I cried at my failures . I cried because I realize I had to go home and cry alone. I cried over him and I didn't care what my friend said. I cried because I could hear them say "I told you so" I cried because they were fucking right. I cried because my commitment to bliss was being thwarted. I cried because maybe i was meant to journey this life alone. I cried because I didn't want to be "that girl "
I've been a fan of Alanis since I was a brooding teenager, locked away in my room listening to grunge, hip-hop, and Jazz (I was weird...yeah). But anyway, Alanis' "Jagged Little Pill" was the album that defined a major love and break up of my teenage years. I really liked my HS boyfriend...we broke up and made up probably 100 times during the course of 9th through 12th grades (LOL). This year, it was VERY bad, as I found out he tried to holler at a girl who rode my school bus....(alas....she didn't make the cut and I did...BOOM..maybe cause I scared the sh*t outta him...anyway...LOL)
Released in 1995, Jagged Little pill went on to sale over 30 million copies and earned Alanis a sh*t load of Grammys, sealing her dopeness and influence on a ton of other pop=rockers to come: Fiona, Pink, Avril to name a few.
The Canadian singer-songwriter is a little folk, a lot of rock, and a lot of indie pop. Some may know her for her time on "You Cant Do That on Television"...but she's truly a musician and writer. She has hits after hits. My favorite song in fact is not the one I am posting (It is "Uninvited"...) but this song nevertheless, defines how I am feeling right now. The video was simple...heartfelt....and you can see the emotions all in her face.
My fav lyrics:
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole You're so much braver than I gave you credit for That's not lip service
In an effort to embrace my bliss in 2012...this song definitely epitomizes howI feel, particularly about love. That giddy,unparalled"newness" that every new relationship has the makings of....
The 2000s were the years that defined my "adulthood". It was all about neo-soul, smooth vocals and rich melodies. While Maxwell is and always will be my favorite singer, only one man during that era had the OTHER key to my musical heart, D'angelo.
Born Michael D'Angelo Archer in Richmond, VA, D'Angelo burst onto the music scene as one of the forefathers and architects (along w/ E. Badu, Maxwell, Jill Scott, etc) of Neo Soul. Heavily influenced by Prince (as seen in that Untitled video) and Marvin Gaye, D'angleo droped Brown Sugar. The guy looked the part of a rapper and yet sat down to the keys and belted out a sexy ode to weed. (LOL). I might have even had a a hot, young adult make-out session to his version of "Crusin"...
I love so many D'angelo songs. But VooDoo, his last studio album to date, still reigns supreme. It of course, had the now infamous "Untitled" (with his half naked video). My favorite off that album was "Send it on". Such a throwback, sexy song...
My favorite lyrics:
"U can't disguise your emotions U know that I see in your eyes U soul's ME, your soul's somethin' that I feel inside Run, run, run, run if I run Lord only knows how far That I and I will fall behind Gotta find a better place, gotta find a better space So that I, so my life may be the reason why"
Recently, I saw some D'angelo footage from him doing a concert not too long ago in Stockholm. While he may not be to the sexy level that he was during his VooDoo days, it seems that he is living life clean and sober and making beautiful music again. Actually...why don't I share his recent performance that has folks buzzing: How Does It Feel in Paris...
I hope he sends us some more music this way...We greatly miss him over here....
Just a 30-something African-American woman living in the Deep South's largest metropolis (for now) who is a lover of all things shoe...the higher the heel..the better...who is also navigating the world of dating, mating, and all things in-between post-divorce.
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