I was talking to one of my bff's, purging my soul out to her about a matter of my heart. It seemed rather painful at the the time (but in hindsight I'm not sure why I hurt so bad ). I was trying to hold it together but felt like i was going to choke on my sorrow. When I finally finished, she told me rather plainly :
"Do not cry over him. He isn't worth it"
I snapped back. " If I want to cry , then I will cry"
...and I let out a wail so primal, so gut wrenching that I scared myself. I knew I would cry.
And cry is just what I did. I cried. I locked my door and cried. I soaked my sweater sleeves and cried. I had balled up tissue and cried. I had the asthmatic wheezing type of breathing and cried. My nose as running and my MAC was ruined. I was flush. My stomach hurt. My eyes were red. I cried not because he had done anything wrong. I cried because it felt like the same old game and run around I'd been getting for the past 3 years now. I cried because I feared that the more things changed the more they stayed the same.
What started out as me crying about "some dude", ended up being much more.
I cried for all of 2011. I cried for a shit-filled February. I cried because Whitney Houston is dead and I won't ever get to see her in concert. I cried because she left behind an 18 year old , lost and confused. I cried because her ex husband , he himself a drunk, is now blamed for her demise and has to live with that unfairly. I cried for her mother. I cried at the thought of how she died because it was insane! It made no sense to me. I cried because her song is on the radio. I cried because she has a voice no one will replicate. I cried because she's in heaven. I cried because she was free.
I cried because Don Cornelius put a gun to his head. I cried because his soul was burdened. I cried because I knew that feeling all too well. I cried because Jesus saved me from that very fate in 2001 and I lived to tell it. I cried at the thought of letting it get hat bad . I cried at the thought of the taste of charcoal to pump my stomach.
I cried for all my heartbroken friends. Lonely and sad. My friends who lost parents and children . My friends who lost jobs and security. Friends who are simply just lost. My friends who had miscarriages and can't conceive. I cried for something being in the way of their dreams.
I cried for my mother, still ailing and needing this kidney. I cried cause I couldn't give it to her. I cried because I don't have a better father to support her. I cried because the only man that truly ever loved me back, my brother , was so far away. I cried because my half sister is dead and we were never close .
Finally, I cried for me. I cried because I felt like a fool. I cries because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cried because I might be too selfish to be loved. I cried because I'll be 33 and not where I want to be. I cried because as brave a face I put on I still harbor a little shame at being divorced. I cried at my failures . I cried because I realize I had to go home and cry alone. I cried over him and I didn't care what my friend said. I cried because I could hear them say "I told you so" I cried because they were fucking right. I cried because my commitment to bliss was being thwarted. I cried because maybe i was meant to journey this life alone. I cried because I didn't want to be "that girl "
Then I stopped.
And was free.
All it took was one good cry.