October 28, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling: Halloween


  • HALLOWEEN! It is prob my fav non-holiday holiday....next to Thanksgiving
  • crazy costumes
  • families who participate. Like my girl Yakini over at PrissyMommy.com . I'm sure she has something  in store! She's always so bomb with her creativity.
  • I'm dressing up for the first time in like 3 years AND going to a party. You'll have to wait and see what I'll be!
  • I always think about how I wanted to be Wonder Woman and ran out in the cold on Halloween  in my Underoos, red cowboy boots,  and my mama got so mad
  • Candy goes on sale the day after, KIT KATS FOR EVERYONE!
  • It's.....The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!!
  • I'll have peace and quiet and no kids knocking cause kids in condos/apartments do not trick-or -treat. They go to the mall..which seems so lame to me.
  • Parties! With a spiked punch!!!. (I throw the best parties..although I'm not having one..just going to one)
  • Can I say Kit Kats again???
  • I'll be around friends this year. It should be a great time :)

Not Feeling:

  • people try and get all religious. Chill out. It's a holiday for  pure merriment and candy for the kid. Every culture has it.
  • the adult  Woman Costume I wanted (above) was sold out AND expensive
  • Therefore, I was torn between Nicki Minaj, Gaga, Amy Whinehouse, Janelle Monae...and picked neither of them. *shrug*
  • Why are all the costumes TOO sexy sometimes. Maybe I wanna be sexy but simple, ya know?
  • They don't make  CUTE costumes for curvy, busty gals.
  • Because of that..I had to piece my joint together and I pray I dont' look like a jackass
  • I got a slight cold. Not cool. Imma freeze my "paws" off (hint). LOL.
  •  Halloween is special because Halloween used to be "our" thing as a married couple. We had parties every year.
  • That I wont get to see my ex look like THIS again:(Gotcha b*tch. LMAO!! He was one hideous hooker in drag)

  • Or HIM this drunk....(LOL):

  • I really do miss the fun of the parties. They went down in infamy (LOL).  I'd love to have another. And it SUCKS that my current residence wants to charge like $300 to rent the room..*smh* Maybe when I move....
  • I miss my house...I miss passing out candy to the kids. Kids in condo/apartments do NOT trick or treat. They go to the mall w/ their scary asses! The first year I moved here..I got dressed up and no one showed up! I was so sad...(but I had plenty of candy!)
  • Candy Corn..that's just nasty torture
  • the family that gives out the cheap, dollar tree candy in the generic bag. Or peppermint (LOL) Or toothbrushes...or pamphlets...*smh*
  • The price of costumes ....JESUS! I didn't even get a FULL costume and it was high as hell!
  • I cant put my current locs into a cute wig. My mama tried to provide me a wig but it was hideous. LOL. So the effect I was going for with my costume will be sorta lost.
  • I won't be in a Thriller Flash Mob! *bummer*
  • That Black people do NOT like to dress up! Get the stick out of your ass! I hated having a party every year and someone goes "I don't do costumes". What?? It's a COSTUME party.
  • I can't carve a pumpkin to save my life...nor do I like the taste of it. *smh*
  • Halloween signals the end of the year basically.......not to mention (this year) my 3rd anniversary of my divorce...wow.....on to the next one.
  • I was hoping I'd have kiddies to share in this day with..at least one in some kind of Snuggie costume LOL. I always wanted to do a crazy family theme. Like Run DMC, or Kid and Play or something.
  • I will NEVER watch a scary movie. OR be alone on Halloween. EVER....(LOL)
  • It's cold. In a whole lot of ways.... *sigh*
  • On a Non-Halloween tip: Mariah Carey..you do not throw SHADE to your husband on national TV? Get your mind right. He's young but he has fucking feelings, yo! He obviously loves her dirty drawers. She has been shitted on so much....*sigh* I feel her for the slight insecurity..but boo..not on national TV!

Have a Safe and Happy Halloween, everyone!

October 19, 2011

MidWeek Tunes: "Resentment"

Other than "Rolling in the Deep", this song has been covered more than a few times (Ok.."Marvin's Room" might be a distant second).

It was originally recorded by Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham (of all people), and then stolenby Beyonce on her B'Day Album. BUT..my favorite version is the one by Jazmine Sullivan. Her vocals are deeper, richer and she just seems more emotionally invested in the song. Her phrasing is on point and you can just feel her pain.

My favorite lyric of the entire song is this:

"And I may never understand why... I'm doing the best that I can, but I...
Just can't seem to get over, the way you hurt me
Don't why you gave another, who didn't mean a thing... the very thing... you gave to me"

This song just resonates with me so much. I've resented so much in love and loving. The question remains.."How do you get past it?" Nevertheless, I'll keep listening to Jazmine and knowing that you will be alright in the end.

You just have to right?

October 18, 2011

So Now I'm a Lesbian??

In reading Audre Lorde (who is my fav author if you don't know by now), I realize that she hits on some real points that resonate even 40 years later. One point being, that if you are outside of the "norm", the heterosexual norm (whether you be gay or straight), pushing against male sexual advances and their aggression, then you are always branded a "lesbian". If you have no children...you must be a lesbian. If you aren't having sex...you must be a lesbian. If I won't give you my number, I'm a straight up dyke. No perm? Lesbian...

Audre Lorde said it best:

"Today, the red herring of lesbian-baiting is being used in the Black community to obscure the true face of racism/sexism"

At first I thought the whole idea of  men calling you a lesbian was immature and just out of date. Surely, guys these days don't feel that way in this age of sexual freedom and liberation. That is until it happened to me.

The Scene: My Office at Noon. I get an IM from a dude whom I think I remember...but uhm..not quite. As a matter of fact, I think I blocked him dude to no contact.

Dude: Hey wassup?
Me: Who is this? (I vaguely remembered dude)
Dude: Uhm.... J****
Me: I dont remember a J*** but if you are a guy from a dating site I may have talked to...I'm sorry but I'm not really entertaining communication at the moment. I'm not dating right now. Sorry.
Dude: So you aren't talking to dudes? Not entertaining? So...you into women now? Batting for the other team?
Me: *delete*...*block*...*report to Yahoo as harassment*

So if I don't want to talk to you? Or don't want to entertain anything from any dude, then I must be a lesbian? What kind of bull crap is that? So my sexuality is determined by my interaction with men solely? or my INactivity with men? 

Not only did this dude piss me off, he pretty much solidified why I am on this extended dating and sexual hiatus. Almost 8 month into the celibacy thing, I truly don't miss this type of foolishness. Yes I miss companionship and conversation. Yes I miss getting cute and going on dates. But I definitely don't miss the sexual foolishness. I don't miss the presumptions about who I am. And I damn sure don't miss people being assholes, particularly when I did not warrant that type of behavior.

I am not sure what dude was expecting. I think I hadn't talked to dude in like 6 months. So what makes  you think I want to talk to you? And furthermore, because I dont want to talk to you, all of a sudden that makes me a lesbian?? The nerve of you.

Apparently these stories are not new. My friends chimed in and said that they felt the same way in certain situations. If you turn down a guy's drink....lesbian. Don't like him feeling on your ass in the club...LESBIAN.... If you don't want to have sex on the first date...LESBIAN. If you don't want to give him head in the car....fucking LESBIAN b*tch (true story).  I mean what gives with this "blacklisting" of a woman's sexuality if she doesn't want to do what YOU, dominate male hegemony, want her to do?

I pray to God every day that he cover me and open my heart to someone special. But if this is the kind of foolishness I'd have to face, I'm good with being celibate. Hell, I'm good with being a spinster if push comes to shove. I know men don't like their egos crushed, but truly find a more diplomatic way of taking rejection.

I won't take this lying down. I'm not a push over. I will not be disrespected. Call me lesbian all you want...it won't lure me into your foolishness.

I may not be a "lesbian" but I surely have a "queer theory" grounding. So don't brandish me a Lesbian because I wont take your bait.

I'd rather just be one hot, celibate HETERO, chickaroo then deal with a homophobic, narcissistic dick of a well......dick.

October 14, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling

  • I love this. I got this from my boy's FB page.
  • That my ankle is somewhat improving...Praise God
  • This song by Zhane............still resonates with me. OH! And this one
  • Black bras. I have about 10 of em. Seriously...
  • The Occupy movement. I feel them........(despite some of them being privileged white people.)
  • This new Robin Thicke....can't wait till we get a new album from him.
  • Bubble baths with chilled glasses of Chardonnay. That may just be my fav wine actually...
  • Hot cocoa...curled up w/ my afghan and Netflix
  • That I dropped this wretched class.
  • I think I have a crush again. It's lame. It's cute. I don't care.
  • My little Nicki Minaj nameplate necklace that I got. I got my real name..it's cheesy. It's fun. *shrug*
  • Kindle Fire..YES PREODERD
  • Iphone 4s...ON IT
  • How beautiful and awesome that my friends think I am
  • I've been divorced almost 3 full years... I am glad to be here still.
  • Spring break in Playa del Carmen...............yesssssssssssss :)

Not Feeling
  • How most men are not feeling that same sentiment (posted above).
  • That I STILL haven't worn my shoes (except around the house..that blows)
  • Beyonce is a choreography theif...she aint original. She's too slow and vapid to be. LOL.
  • Jay Z is a lyric theif...so they belong together. LOL
  • How folks hold on to checks and don't cash them in a timely manner. Don't hold onto my money like that. You miss me off....seriously.
  • That Zhane basically became Floetry...and jsut like great duos....they broke up too. *Sigh*
  • White underwear. They show through everything. I do not buy white undies.
  • That they are seriously going to have a Best Man 2. Why can't we leave well enough alone??
  • That the Occupy movement hasnt turned into a Tea Party mobilization. We need some Tyler Durden type revolution going on!
  • How during this whole period of "breaking"...that what I miss most is arms to hold...secrets to share...kisses to steal...and being playful. Not the sex. It's never really about that is it...
  • How people spend so much money on hair weave and makeup and junk..and have jacked up teeth. I seriously don't get it.....
  • How black people (esp the church) is so homophobic. What did gay folks ever do to you? Nothing I am presuming...
  • That now that I dropped said wretched class..it puts be a semester behind on my requirements. Ugh.
  • Dudes who approach me on some "Hey Locs./Natural Sista" vibe. No i dont want you to be disrespectful...but at the same time..I do not want your scented oil/Nag Champa Smelling/riding a bike w/ a backpack/freelove without the "papers"/the man is holding me down cause you are keeping it real and not wanting to be part of the "system"/using big words like you fresh out the joint/spitting spoken word/spitting sh*t like "Sister Queen Mother of the Earth Nile Goddess" bullcrap/can't keep a real job/I don't trust porkchops having ASSES! (LOL)
  • People who assume because I have locs..that I want some "earthy/Granola" type dude. That's cool..but I am much more into intellectuals.
  • how DRY BET shows are. I mean utterly and completely DRY
  • They cancelled Playboy Club! PLEASE bring it back..and move it to Showtime or something.
  • I miss my annual Halloween parties
  • I miss my old house *sigh*
  • My Falcons are really making me ill....
  • NBA lock out is ridic!
  • People who say "cray-cray" .
  • How raggedy this Blackberry is. We is in the last days, yo! LOL
  • How I'd rather be in the Caribbean for the holidays....
  • I've been divorced 3 years..and sometimes I still get angry...I still get sad. It doesn't get easier. BUT I'm glad to be here.

October 13, 2011

Words to Live By

"Black women are programmed to define ourselves within this male attention and to compete with each other for it rather than to recognize and move upon our common interests."-Audre Lorde

October 12, 2011

Mid-Week Tunes: "Fantasize"

Way back in 2005/2006 (which seems like umpteen years ago), back when two fly ass chicks from LondonTown were together, when one had locs and one wasn't quite a skinkty and multi platinum as she is now (lol), they made beautiful music together and called it FLOETRY. Although Natalie Stewart (the Floecist) and Marsha Ambrosious (the Songstress) do not make music together, the optimist in me hopes that they get back together....

But until then, I will post an acapella song that captures where I am right now in my feelings... I first heard them do this song way back that summer during the Budweiser Nu-Soul Concert Series (FOR FREE) in Centennial Park. It resonated with me back then, and still does now.

Maybe part of me wishes they'd get back together, begging for a reunion. But until then...I'll use this song as my spring board to "fantasize" about "being in someone's history forever".

October 7, 2011

Marriage Induced Amnesia

I was browsing Facebook one day and came across my friend’s status that said something like….
“I often wonder what single people who are itching to settle down and get married think they're missing out on."
My friend is a sweet person, a great mom and loving wife... but I must say I was in no mood that day to read that. I don’t even think she realized how condescending the question was. It was beyond condescending...it was insulting.  Now, this is in no direct attack of my friend's standpoint, but folks have got it twisted, and I can clearly see why.
I guess because I’ve been on both sides of the fence I know about the ache and hunger of marriage, how the dream gets fulfilled, and then the dream gets deferred and now you are back out here, aching and hungering for marriage. I know that marriage isn’t all wine and roses.  I never went into it with rose colored glasses...lofty expectations, yes..but never unrealistic ones. I know it is hard work. I know it isn’t going to make me totally happy yet it’s supposed to give me some modicum of happiness. I know even during marriage we will want some time for ourselves.  WE, the single black woman collective,  GET IT. And never once, even during the lowest of lows of my marriage, did I discourage my sisters to get married with talks of "it aint all that". I'll let you have your own individual experience.

I figure most married people get amnesia. Lest we forget the nights you were praying faithfully for your Boaz. ..Asking “WHY ME? WHY NOT ME?” when you got yet another baby shower or wedding invitation...Lest we forget the nights you cried...the endless and fruitless happy hours...the wasted cash on new outfits and fly hair-dos only to be stood up for a date...the horrible internet dates and hook ups...The sex that lead to nowhere...the broken hearts…the tears, hot and streaming down your face soaking your pillows......the broken promises and broken engagements…the lies..The disrespect...the cheating...the dreams crush…the expectations raised THEN lowered to negotiate via the “marriage market” (as Ralph Banks puts it...)…. You didn’t “LOVE “being single. GTFOOHWTBS……..If you did, marriage would have been an afterthought. Or maybe it is something you just lucked up on. What you loved is what single hood taught you…which is really to appreciate positive companionship a whole lot more while allowing you to grow into your own independence. Singleness teaches balance. Yeah...you didn't need a man..but having one sure is nicer.
And I’m supposed to be OK with living “in my singleness” and not be “itching” to get out of that bull? Just because your marriage didn’t live up to YOUR expectations doesn’t mean you need to thwart my efforts to have even what you have…the good and the bad. We as single women get tired of hearing the “Girl…don’t rush it…” or “Girl...Marriage isn’t all that…” or “it’s not going to make you happy” stories. You say that now...as you hold your 2.5 kids on each hip, pet your dog, iron your husband’s shirts, and balance the family checkbook…..yet not seeing me on the other end of the line, eating yet another Lean Cuisine meal alone, and standing up at my kitchen counter. Please...miss me with that. WE GET IT! There is both good and bad! JEESH!  Enjoy my freedom and all my time to myself?? ..uhm...that is getting OLD. So guess what? I’M READY! Hell...some of us have BEEN ready…some of us are hopelessly waiting, still living fulfilling lives but…time is passing us by. We all aren’t living in a fantasy world of what marriage is or can be. You say you are encouraging us....but it doesn't remotely sound that way.
So you know why single people are “itching to settle down and get married” (ESP black women):
We want…being truly vulnerable and letting our walls down…tax breaks, a partner to handle financial responsibilities, the opportunity to garner generational wealth, a person to rear and father my children, not having to settle for less…a prayer partner, a warrior who is my defender and comrade, a support system, a rock, a person who affirms and confirms me…a person whose life and mine is enhanced with our mutual interactions..someone who sees the best in me and me at my worst....not having to pay a fucking mortgage solo cause the rents too damn high…a built in taste tester of all my recipes. and eats the leftovers...My Plus 1….A family...not being a statistic….THATS what and WHY I (the collective I of single women) am “itching” to settle down!
No one ever berates our “non” black cohorts for their desires to get married. EVER. Even though the marriage market is also dwindling for them as well. Yet if a black woman expresses these desires to get married, something must be wrong with her. The cards are stacked against us and we as single women don’t want to always hear how “tiring” marriage is…how “hard work” makes it work…how “sex” won’t be as you imagined it to be.  But...Let your marriage be swiftly taken away from you (as it was for me) and you are "thrown back out here to the wolves". You'll  put on a brave face for a while..but then you'll be miserable as fuck. Ask me how I know...
I truly MISS being married (yet I certainly don't advocate staying in a miserable one for the sake of being married...). So don’t you dare berate me for being wishful, hopeful as a black woman when the stats are all against me  You may not be “devaluing” marriage but you sure aren’t making it appealing to the rest of us.
 Being single is exhausting. This “dating market” is oversaturated with fabulous women and not enough equally awesome men. You just happened to find a needle in a haystack….so get over yourself, Married People... (LOL). Wanting to get married doesn’t take away from me being OK in my singleness. I can be OK...and simultaneously fed up. I’m not asking marriage to be the panacea for my shortcomings. Not at all. It takes two WHOLE people to make a marriage work. But….why can’t I desire it? Why can’t I thirst for it WITHOUT seeming thirsty? Thirsting does NOT make you thirsty or mean that you are lacking somewhere in your life and can't cope with singleness. Quiet frankly, it's a misconception that is getting old. And your thoughts on the "institution" are doing a piss poor job of encouraging us to desire what YOU, the married collective, have.

Perhaps my friend should have qualified her statement with "single, UNREALISTIC" people. Because, call me naive, but I feel that the majority of smart, rational, single professional black people (esp. women), prime for marriage, are rooted in reality.  While I understand most people dont have the sense God gave a billygoat, everyone isnt like that. And how do you think it makes your single friends feel if you CONSTANTLY telling them "marriage is hard work", "you aren't missing anything", ... or that "no pefect spouse exist". While you think you are "keeping it real", you are really dampening people's spirits. Be honest...most of us are like (as my friend put it): "DUH! I don't desire to be married to attain perfection. I desire marriage b/c, I deserve to be and I am someone's Good Thing. A blessing to him and in turn, he will be a blessing to me."

Not to be spiritual, but you don't know my God, that told me to have faith like a mustard seed, that would mount me up like wings of eagles, and who made people imperfect so they'd be perfect for me. I'm not saying we are bible beating in churhc, waiting on Jesus himself to be our man. But it's as if you think we aren't up for the challenge. Some are not. But some are ready...BEEN ready. If you stay ready, you aint got to get ready.
We can agree to disagree..these camps of married and single folks... but I’m not buying any more of these half backed, cockamamie arguments. What I am going to do is continue to pray for my single sisters in the struggle, to allow them to have full and wishful and “itching” hearts.

Because that “itch” is one that God is preparing to scratch.
(Then again, I guess “marriage amnesia” has left your empathy nerve a bit jaded too)

October 6, 2011

MidWeek Tunes: A Little Lenny

I am not sure what my newfound obsession with Lenny Kravitz is. I've loved him since I was a teenager, honestly. He was different. He was ecclectic, funky, soulful and rock-n-roll and a bunch of other genres all together. Under that tougher than leather look of his, is a sensitive soul. His smoldering good looks (no doubt attributed to his mother Roxy Roker of "The Jeffersons" Fame).  But he's no doubt beyond hot. SO hot in fact, I've started a "Lenny Kravitz Pic of the Week" on my personal FB page.

*le sigh*....isn't he something.....a work of art I think!!  And looking damn good to be almost 50 years old. YEP..Lenny is knocking on 50s door! Hammercy, ya'll! And on top of being an awesome rocker, a pretty good actor, father to a budding actress, Zoe,  he's also an amazing photographer. Talk about SKILLED! Check out some of his work that was featured in Vogue Russia.

But I wanted to post not one...but TWO of my fav Lenny Kravitz songs. Of course, the classic "It Aint Over Till It's Over is #1..." But these are two songs that get very little love..but are my melodic favorits and lyrically amazing.


"I Belong To You"

In a lot of ways, the renaissance man that Lenny Kravitz is, is sorta the kind of guy I'd like. Odd, I know, but I'm drawn to the mystery. the sultry smoothness, and the romance underneath it all.

(wishful thinking, huh? LOL)

October 5, 2011

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Pickiest of them All

"There is a popular discourse about whether black women are too picky, but from all that I have seen, it is black men, particularly sought after and successful black men, who are the pickiest of all"- Ralph Richard Banks in Is Marriage for White People?

The cover of the first Essence asked the question: "Sensual Black Man...Do you Love me?"

It also addressed issues of identity, beauty, class, and careers. So it was no surprise, decades later, I was reading an Essence magazine a few months ago that was a full issue dedicated to black women, dating, career, mating and our general woes. I was annoyed to say the least. Haven’t we exhausted this issue enough? Goodness gracious. [insert eye roll].

 But an article featuring author/historian-lawyer-social economist Ralph Richard Banks intrigued me. I raised an eyebrow. Wow…finally a book that doesn’t point fingers but really is looking for issues and explaining everything from a socio-economic standpoint, not an emotional one. What I was most intrigued about was one of his solutions to the problem of unmarried black women: marry outside your race. I raised an eyebrow and my soul winced (as Jill Scott so eloquently put it) a little.

Nevertheless, I pre-ordered the book for my Kindle that same day.

At first, I thought I would instantly dismiss this book. But I didn’t. I kept reading and reading. His analogy of marriage/dating to the capital market and “marketplace” was brilliant. He really held no punches. And although he was and is a learned and erudite scholar, he wrote everything pretty plainly.  In a nutshell, his thesis is this:

The marriage market is saturated with women and not enough men. Men are aware of this. They know and see this as an option, leaving women to fend for the “scraps on the social table”. This has affected all women. But other social issues exacerbate the problem with black women. Thus, unlike their white counterparts, black women are left out in the cold. If they do marry, they marry a less educated man, a poorer man. Yet will not marry across color lines. Men of the same class rarely marry, settling instead to date concurrently for years. And if they do it is rarely a black woman…. Thus, black women need to seek “alternative” views of marriage

I can go on and on. He had so many great points. And the fact that a black man wrote this says a whole lot. I could tell by his tone he was disappointed with black men. Disappointed in the society that is unfair to them socially and economically. Disappointed in their low educational rates, where women are not meeting enough eligible men as they climb the educational and career ladders at astronomical rates. And disappointed with their behavior in general, pervasive of a “sexual macho” bravado, resistant to monogamy. Furthermore, he’s disappointed that black women have to negotiate a hostile “marriage” market.

I couldn’t help but be shocked that he put much of the onus on black men. They are setting the tone for the nature of relationships these days. They have the upper hand and we know it. Thus, we do this crazy negotiation dance. We whore ourselves out, negotiating sex and cash for companionship. We put up with cheating.  We (women) put up with the lies and STDs. We just put up with a lot of crap we don’t need to.

Banks says that most black men would rather co-habitat for years, have concurrent relationships with no exclusivity (even while co-habitating), rather date many women and get all of the perks of a marriage/relationship, than to actually get married. Men will have children and baby mothers without commitment. They fear that the sex will get worse. But more negatively, they date so many women, taking the best from each of them, and having this grandiose idea (according to Banks) that this “all-star” woman exists. The woman who has ALL the best things of every woman they have ever date has. Because of this unrealistic expectation they do not commit. Banks argues that their “unrealistic expectations” is what is killing the black marriage rate. No woman will be everything and everywoman to you. That isn’t what marriage was designed for.

 Or worse, when they do commit, they are far too nostalgic about their “single days” and may even try to relive them via extramarital affairs and more days of non-committed relationships. And sometimes, those men who are successful often do not choose black women as their partners. 

I can count how many times I’ve heard black men say “I just want to chill” and do not date. Or say, “I don’t want to get married”. Or feel that the “perfect woman” isn’t out there. This is such a lie. A lie they are telling themselves to not actually take a chance. They say they are just “picky” when the truth is they are masters of manipulation, knowing that they have the upper hand. I know marriage isn’t for everyone but I truly don’t believe that.  Marriage is for everyone. There is someone out there for you. Even the LBGT community fights so hard for a right to marry that too often we piss away or shrug at. So…what do we do, as black women who desire to be married if our men have no desire for marriage?

(Banks, his wife Jennifer (PhD at Stanford), and his gorgeous boys)

“It's time for black women to stop being held hostage to the deficiencies of black men.'” Ralph Richard Banks

Banks basically doesn’t want us to wait with baited breath for black men. Truly, they are not waiting on us. Banks himself is married to a black woman, by the way. Yet, he wants us to live our lives, and whatever the race of the man may be, give him a chance. Loyalty be damned since black men are opening their options up. If I were reading this at age 21, I'd think this man was crazy. But now that I am 32, posited within the new dating “market”, divorced, celibate (which btw...more black, educated women are than any other race according to Banks) and without a single date in a while, I need to broaden my horizons. Be open and just see what happens. It’s a hard enough time waiting on a black man, why not just be open to a guy of equal footing who happens to be non-black. While I wont exclusively be looking for non-black guys, I will just see what happens. I admit. I shed a few tears at the thought. “Is this what it has come to?” Maybe. But guess what, no brother is shedding tears about this. So why should I?

Truth is, I wish guys would just grow up/be realistic and women stop accepting crap/be realistic. Stop accepting the statistics and thinking that “Oh well…I guess I got to take this dude, etc.” all in the name of “loyalty”. Lawyers have no business marrying garbage men (and if they do marry and are successful, it is rare indeed, divorce rates among these types of marriages are VERY high). What on earth will you talk about? How on earth will you build generational wealth that way? Other races are never encouraged to marry down, except black women are constantly told their standards are high, when in fact, they probably are not. They are simply reflections of mobility and class structures that education has afforded us.  Basically, you need to be equally yoked regardless of race. Thus, why not date someone who may not be black, but is of your same educational, class, and social standing. [This is not what I am saying. I am truly paraphrasing Banks (but I believe him)] He’s not an elitist or a classist. He’s just a realist.

But you know what pisses me off even more?

This book is about basically, how black men need to get it together and how women don’t need to play this game of selling themselves short in an unfavorable market.  Again, Banks isn’t too thrilled with black men right now. But they (black men) probably wont even pick it (the book) up. They think (as my ex once and still declares) that “nothing is wrong with them” and that their behavior is just fine and dandy. It’s mostly women reading this book, which is fine, but most certainly not Banks’ aim.

But what are white men thinking (as Banks' title and his "solution" to the marriage problem alludes to them) ? As I was reviewing the reader reviews on Amazon, I saw this one by a guy named "Abraham"

This book makes for an interesting read, but is kind of tilted towards unrealistic absurdity (wishful thinking, maybe?) in some ways. First off, I am a white man and though I am not a racist, I am not typically attracted to black women for the purpose of forming intimate relationships. Furthermore, most if not all of the white men that I know are not either, for varying reasons. So, to keep it short and sweet and to add some realistic balance, I am saying this to say: WHITE MEN ARE NOT THE ANSWER FOR BLACK WOMEN. And I'm absolutely certain that black women should not look to white men to "rescue" them, as it seems this book suggests that they should do. Again, I'm not racist, I am just being honest.


That basically negates Mr. Banks' thesis. And begs the question: Does anyone, even our own men, even other men, want US?

As I go through my period of self-reflection, purging, fasting and praying, my prayer is that one black man reads this book and evaluates himself. I pray that they see their faults and open their eyes to their missteps. Most of all…I pray that they open their eyes wide enough to see the sister in front of him, who just wants to love them, be their wife, and live a life of extraordinary purpose.

But first…let’s get that “picky” thing together. And take a look in the mirror.

October 4, 2011

Ask TheMochaPeach: Am I being Played?

In this latest installment of "Ask TheMochaPeach", a young lady asks if she is being played or lied to by a dude via evidence on facebook.

Dear Mocha:
I met a guy over the summer and I thought we hit it off. He came up to me in the smoothest of ways at an event  for urban professionals (aka Happy Hour) and I was smitten. He was FIONE. We hit it off all night, even going to dinner the next day. He told me he was out of a relationship and had a 3 year old daughter he was really all about. Educated, smart and funny...we talked all the time. And even went out a few times. And his kisses were amazing!

Well all of a sudden the calls stop. And I sorta don't know why he fell off into the Black Abyss of Men Who Do That Sh*t but he did. I was devastated. I thought we hit it off.  I was a little taken aback but I let it go.

 Well..like 3 months later (YES..3) he calls me out of the blue saying that he knows he fell off but he had good reason. His baby mama was acting up, they had huge arguments, his funds ran low, he lost some contracts at work,  and a bunch of other riga-ma-roo to which I thought to myself "Well..your fingers ain't broke". But I let him keep talking. The convo was pleasant, ending with him saying he'd call again (I wasn't holding my breath). Something in my gut was telling me otherwise.

Well...something told me to go on that dreaded Facebook to take a look at his page...and low and behold..there was a pic of him....his beautiful daughter.......and the baby mama all together as his profile pic. I click on her page..and her profile pic has him and her on it. JUST him and her. My mouth dropped open.

I mean..he thought he said it was over?? I don't understand. Was he playing me from the get go...or are they just cordial? Should I stop talking to him? Or let him explain his side of the story? Or do I let it go? BTW, he hasn't called since he called...and that was like last month.


Hope I'm Not Getting Played


Dear "Hope I'm Not Getting Played":

Well..hun..I got a simple answer for you. 2 actually.

Stop talking to his rachet, monkey ass.


That ninja is lyin! 

I mean, basically, what else do you want me to say?? *shrug* If you want a long winded answer I'll give you one....so here we go:

This is what happened, hun. You met dude during a summer of discontent between him and Baby-Mutha. He probably thought "Oh well...she seems awesome...I like her..so different from my Baby-Mutha with her annoying ass"...so he gave you a chance, putting his "smooth brother" routine on you and you feel for it...hook line and sinker.

And there is nothing wrong with falling for it. It feels good to be smitten. It feels great to be pursued. And I commend you for having a level head and realizing that "something in the milk ain't clean" when that foo-well disappeared on you for 3 months. (unless he was in the Congo w/ no cell reception.., hands chopped off for blood diamonds...he had no excuse NOT to call). Truth is, men have no idea how to compartmentalize things. If it all comes crashing down on them...it comes swiftly..and they have no idea to well..TELL THE TRUTH...and get shit squared away while simultaneously handling business. He needed to clean his slate before stepping to you in a relationship. . Then again..maybe that probably wasn't his aim all along.

Now, I will give the brother the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure he had all those excuses going on and MUCH MORE. Who knows the depth of drama he had with the baby-mama (hey..that rhymed! LOL) but IT AINT YOUR BIDNESS. Fall back, girl. You don't need to hear what he has to say because of several reasons.  First off...You weren't in a relationship NOR emotionally invested to even care that much. Right? I mean you said it yourself something was amiss in your gut. Perhaps it was just too good to be true, sadly.

Secondly, he really could have called. I don't give a damn about how embarrassing shit was...you can still call and let a girl know that "hey..some stuff is tight..some personal stuff...so Imma have to fall back for a minute". At least that's respectful. Calling after 3 months is totally inexcusable. TOTALLY disrespectful and a waste of your calling plan minutes. AND now you haven't heard from him in another month? Chile please...*OchoCinco voice*

But like I said...this ain't one of those situations. Let me reiterate by saying that I think you were possibly going to be the rebound, in between time, chick. And do you wanna be that? Nope. So Thank GOD you were spared that embarrassment before you really laid it all out there. And by "laying it all out there", I mean giving up the panties-sty (a la Pootie Tang). Facebook is telling you a different story. It is painting the picture of a happy, reconciled family. It is painting a picture of a relationship on the mend. And you are not in that picture, literally or figuratively.  I don't know too many disgruntled baby mamas w/ pics up of their ex on there. *shrug*

So unless you want to be the jumpoff,, side-peice, a possible cause of more drama (because naturally, she, meaning the baby mutha, will see you as the threat, not him for causing the action)  follow your gut and fall back. He's not worth it. Leave well enough alone. And stay the hell off Facebook!

(And add his number to your spam filter so he can't call you anymore)



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