September 30, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling


Feeling

  • Stronger every day
  • Luther on the BBC with Idris Elba (that is my SHOW)
  • New shoes...always
  • You can always count on your Mama to help you out :)
  • my lashes. LOVE THEM!
  • The Weeknd. LOVE IT (thangs Ing for putting me on!)
  • Like I am actually understading WTF is going on 
  • Leopard print anything
  • Red anything (red is my fav color)
  • cold Patron Silver with LOTS of lime
  • Roller Skating to oldies
  • Men who actually wax their hairy backs.
  • the desire for my last first kiss..
  • The line where she says "When it comes to you I wouldn't change a thing
    I wouldn't even change the things I could change
    Cause baby your perfect, perfect to me
    Simply means that you are perfect for me" (PURE GENIUS!)
  • that I am somehow coming into my "femininity" again.
  • wasn't "Femininity" by Eric Benet a GREAT song???
  • at peace with the decisions I've made and NOT made.







Not Feeling

  • That I got this wack bum ankle and CANT wear the new shoes I got
  • That I cant run with said bum ankle
  • That I have no one to nurse me back to health...a male nurse specifically
  • Like I know how to talk to the opposite sex anymore
  • No one gets my joke and humor.
  • I cant read for 'leisure" anymore. So much school pressure!
  • How this season of Glee has started out
  • That Law and Order SVU is real dry
  • But they wont bring back Law and Order CI...that was my show
  • Although I pamper myself...a LOT..I sure would like someone to appreciate it.
  • Boobs are overrated (esp in the black community)
  • That sagging pants wont die.
  • Lipstick tattoos
  • Black men without facial hair. I dont trust you. You need more people.
  • Im tired of girls shaving one side of their head. We get it. You're a "risk taker" *yawn*
  • birth control. Im getting too old and lazy to take it. And esp right now it's pointless.
  • people have this odd perception of me as being "overly" concerned w/ the opposite sex. Trust me..it just makes for good writing.:)
  • that because of that...Imma have to censor myself. That's not good.
  • creepy married men who blog who I am sure beat off to my pictures and videos. (LOL)
  • how envy can get the best of nice people....and Im talking about me.
  • the idea that my last kiss was with an real asshole. *smh* 
  • and if I died tomorrow, knowing I kissed him last, is the worst thing ever. UGH!

September 28, 2011

MidWeek Tunes: Ultimate Relationship

In my quest to learn more about myself, taking a break from those things that "distract", I was drawn back again to one of my fav songs by Mary J Blige....People think this song is about "sexual love" but it isnt. It is about the relationship with God that forms in the quiet hour of the morning..the way God soothes you and consoles you...and embraces you in a love that is greater than ourselves.
"Be still and know..that I am God." Psalm 46:10




All God wants is for us to commune with him/her.  When God touches us with it's finger tip of love....we ought to be Grateful. No man.. No woman. No Car. No amount of Cash....can touch you the way God can.

Right now I think about my absence of "intimacy" that has been sweetly replaced by the rapture of the Holy Ghost....

That is ecstasy indeed :)

September 26, 2011

Whining Singers, Manly Men, and the New "Emo" Dude

(Maxwell...a little "emo" but def a man's man in terms of emotional content, seductiveness, and rawness)

I am a lover of R&B and Soul music.  I love music in general but there is something seductive, sultry and inviting in the sounds of one of our quintessential black music forms. It has to be my fav genre of music.

Most of all, I love male singers that move me. Classic dudes like the Marvin Gaye, Al Green,  Jeffrey Osborne, and more recently, Maxwell, Anthony Hamilton, Musiq Soulchild, and D'Angelo (when he wasn't fat or high). I love their voices. They seduce you...invite you in like a warm blanket near a fire place...with a glass of 18 year old Brandy....then slowly peel your clothes off with their voice...

"I want you...to prove it to me in the nude.....addicted to the way you move"

But music these days, are filled with whiny singing, begging jokers, and this new "Emo" dude. I mean..Trey Songz?? Frank Ocean?? Jeremih? Lloyd?  Drake ??? Ray J? And although I have SOME of these folks on my Ipod and I dig some of their tracks... But what I really want to ask is

"Dude did your balls drop???"

What happened to hard singing men? The men with bass in their voices and authority on their minds? Men who were romantic, suave, and used a metaphor correctly? Nowadays, men are just whining, complaining, begging for the p**y, and just being overly emotional YET not committing to anything. Or just beefing and whoofing up, blowing smoke and not doing a thing? (a la Ray J?)

Sound familiar?

Music is always a sign of the times. And these new singers are definitely reflecting a shift in thinking among our men. While our old heads did their fair share of begging (I mean..this is what makes a soul singer a soul singer)..there was much more finesse.  And this new generation of singers are not like their forefathers. I understand that this generation of men are a lot different from their forefathers. They don't know how to "talk" to women, be firm and manly YET respectful They don't know how to cloak things in allusion and metaphor.  Some may even argue that these men just are learning from some of their predecessors (R. Kelly anyone? lol). Either way, something is a little different.

I know I blogged about Drake's "Marvin's Room" a while ago, but for a different reason. But we missed the obvious: A dude calling a chick, begging for some more p**y, yet for no commitment.  He's hurt an said he got dumped for another dude..but he isn't saying "I want you back". Just you can do better in the dick department. Something is missing here? There is a disconnect somewhere and I can't pinpoint it.

I don't mind men having emotions. I welcome it. What I do have a problem with is dudes being all "emo" with no real purpose other than getting some puss. I'm not feeling the emotional games. The whining. The begging. What happened to just being a man, saying whatever it is you got to say with some BASS in your voice, and being done with it?  Men who are men of action not emotional ranting....Men who play no games. Say what you mean...and mean what you say. I need some men who are willing to put it all on the line without sounding line whiny, complaining overindulgent little boys. Men with authority. Men with purpose....a purpose aside from getting them drawers!

The world is off balance. We got "emo" dudes and cold, distant and "hardened" women. Something has go to give!

So what's the solution? Because if I hear one more song with a whiney, begging dude...I might just slit my wrists

September 23, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling

FEELING
  • Reinvigorated. I have goals, esp on the fitness tip I am working on.
  • My winter boot buys. You'll see them soon enough over on StilettoBelle.com
  • My friend Yaki sending me a template for the blog and feeling awesome that I installed it myself! I'm a G! (LOL)
  • Hot cocoa under a warm afghan
  • Fresh flowers weekly. While I'd liek to NOT be the one buying them for myself, I always have to have fresh ones weekly. And Kroger always has them half off by Wednesday :)
  • The new Fall shows: 2 Broke Girls, Up All Night, The Playboy Club (w/ Naturi Naughton), Prime Suspect,  and new seasons of my favs like Glee, Psych, Dexter, Luther (w/ Idris Elba), Boardwalk Empire, SIng Off...LOVE FALL TV!!!
  • Speaking of bunnies..I def need one of those costumes in my life. an Official one. I used to have a bootleg one back in the day. LOL
  • My girl got me hooked on Pinterest. That and Polyvore are my inspirations
  • Apartment design blogs. Makes me wanna step my game up
  • This pic of Lenny Kravitz....And for some reason...I'm just so so in love with him now. Like he's always been fine but now...........he's just.........delicious and SUPER grown.
  • That there is a black man trainer on The Biggest Loser. GO DOLVETT!! (remember him from the Chilli dating show? She dissed him...LOL. She dissed all the brothers)

NOT FEELING
  • HARASSMENT! Dude..Didn't I say don't fucking call me..text me..think or speak my name into the atmosphere? PLEASE GO AWAY! Don't hit me with a "miss you" text. Dont read my blog and come at me w/ shit I've said. And since you are reading this.....GET THE MESSAGE. DONT CONTACT ME. And if you think it applies to JUST YOU...you're wrong, boo! You aint special. It's a gang of you sorry ninjas.....saying the same thing. You all must go to the same school of "tired, played out lines". Guess what? I'm fresh outta fucks and I have none to give.
  • That I have a bum ankle right now so I can't go run or work out like I want. This blows...it's all sprained. And Im not even sure
  • That I still have a sense of frustration with a class. I really am not focused.
  • That it took Google forever and a day to migrate my shoe blog to the new joint.
  • I'm too lazy to do any real design on it....LOL
  • Snuggies.
  • booties that look like Chewbaka is on your feet. UGLY!
  • Uggs. Nope...don't like Uggs at all.
  • being between sizes
  • being in between seasons. It def feels like fall sometimes..then summer the next.
  • The fact that Chris Meloni is no longer on SVU!! WTF! That blows..so Mariska gotta hold it down alone, huh?
  • The fact that I have this class, all this reading and can't enjoy my shows until the weekend. THAT BLOWS!!
  • The fact that I prob shouldnt be watching so much TV if I'm an "intellectual". LMAO! Oh well. My DVR is about to work overtime.
  • That the new Iphone STILL isn't out yet. Cmon' Apple! Cmon VERIZON! *sigh*

September 22, 2011

Men, You Deserve a Break Today

So what does celibacy look like for a man?

*crickets*

Oh let’s not think that it’s not possible. Or that is laughable to think of this as some alternative. Or that men are “biologically wired to plumage and plant their seeds”. Wrong! Men have something I like to call “self-restraint” and control. Something that God put within them as soon as God fashioned them as a human being.
Men have this fatal and dangerous belief that for them, sex is a game. Sex is something they can detach from their psyche and take off and on like a fine pair of Kenneth Coles. Their penises are not attached to their souls or brains (Little Head/Big Head) and that falsely, every woman must have penis envy.  That isn’t true at all.
What would a relationship look like for a man if he got rid of the sexual component? Would he be bored? Or would he grow as a man? The quote from the book puts it best:
"Sexual favor before marriage simply stunts the growth of boys into real men who can shoulder the responsibility of others because they have moved outside the narrow confines of their own immediate needs"
This isn't to say that a "man isn't a man" if he abstains. This is to say, that sometimes sex gets in the way of your personal growth and development. Spending so much time focusing on what girl to screw, how to screw her and not caring about her is tiring and time consuming. Think about all the personal development you could have done without that "distraction'.  Think about all the time you wasted trying to get in a girl's panties only to feel empty in the end.  What can you do instead to fill that time? You can focus on your personal relationship with God, career goals, educational goals, family connectivity, community outreach etc. Heck, you can focus on if you like women at all!  Sexually or otherwise, you may not even like the company of women. *shrug*
Nevertheless, speaking in terms of a heterosexual "normative" (and I hate to use that word...but I can only speak for that...), sex for a man is very self-centered. It is all about your own gratification. What about the woman? Yes she may feel an orgasm or two (or none. LOL), but what is she getting out of it. And are you sleeping with women you can see as potential wives or mothers? Or just going for the banging body and high priced weave?  Does she stimulate your mind or just allows you to bust a nut? Yes...self-centered indeed.
If you take sex out the equation, as a man, you'll very much learn the art of courting (and in turn teach a woman a thing or two about it). Yes, I've used that term time and time again on here. People CLAIM they know it. But in a day and age where so much is about instantaneous gratification, I think we have lost all sense of the word "court". Men (again in a male/female relationship) are to take the lead in a lot of ways. Call me old fashioned, but I def don't see myself planning the dates, PAYING for all the dates, etc. Women want to be woo-ed, pursued, excited. We want to be with a man who is exciting and excited to be with US as a woman, not just when we take out clothes off and you get a physical response. Courting is that "getting to know you" process that has been replaced by Facebook pages and Twitter responses and texting. That's not getting to know you. Sharing a coffee. Some ice cream. Laughing at a movie. Walking in the park. Gentle, intimate moments where you are not rushing and are taking your time. Courting opens the door for true intimacy.
INTIMACY. It's a word , like courting, that we think we know but we don't. Men in  particular feel as though if they show some sense of "intimacy" it makes them weak and vulnerable. Sensitivity and vulnerability to intimacy does just the opposite. It shows us you are strong enough in your manhood to let us in.
I think this is what a man is afraid, truly, to take sex out of the equation and become celibate. To be celibate is to be vulnerable. To be faced with the challenge of "growing up" and walking in full manhood. To let someone see all of you, not the you masked in sexual bravado and toe-curling orgasms. Sex is so easy to hind behind. In sex, you feel like superman and you have no flaws. In sex, you can do no wrong and you are always the hero. Sex literally saves you from having to be honest.
When I was younger, the big joke when a guy was a virgin was they would call him an "ol AC Green type n**ga" (in reference to the former L.A. Laker, a devout Christian, who was celibate until he got married )While we all laughed and joked, deep inside, I think every girl wishes that a man would tone down the sex or even more, save it JUST for her. That she was his one and only. What was sad was that we were taught most times that would never be the case. That was a LOT to ask and unbelievable. Surely, he'd have a few notches in his belt by the time he got to you. And even more mythological was the notion that "you'd want him to know what he was doing" (not realizing, really, the mechanics of sex ain't that deep. LOL).  We as a society made men feel ashamed to hold back that part of themselves, questioning their sexuality, masculinity, and etc if they chose to do so. In reality, that man (if I knew such a man) would be the strongest man I'd know.
Sex, as a teenager (and even as an adult) was thrown at us everyday. And particularly with black men, it was as if sexual bravado was a badge of honor. I can only relate this to being brought to America from the shores of Africa as nothing but "workers, laborers" and above all else "BREEDERS". Yes, men in our culture have a "breeder" mentality. Their self worth was wrapped up in what they could produce, whether the mode of production was bails of cotton or bails of babies.  You would think we've grown past this. But we haven't. With the proliferation of baby mothers and  broken homes and sisters and brothers with two different mothers, we have seen that not much has change since 1619 when blacks hit the shores of Jamestown. We are still stuck in "breeder"mode. Not knowing that our self worth is more than that.
I say all of this to say, to men, that maybe a period of celibacy for YOU isn't a bad thing. Whether you want to save yourself for your wife or just need a period to cleanse, detox, and court the Creator, it isn't a BAD thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll learn a lot about yourself as a man, as a potential father, husband, son, etc. You will learn about boundaries. You'll really learn about a woman and/or why you treated women the way you did. Was it reflection of your upbringing? Were you, yourself, fatherless?  What were the messages and miseducation you got around sex, especially as a black man?  Did you feel sex was a way to mask your intimate self?  What if you just turned off that component of your life? Can you deal?. And I don't mean just a "dry" spell. A serious, conscious break from sex. You'll be surprised what a little break in the "action" can do for you.
Take it from a woman who would respect you if you did. ;)

September 21, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: My Fantasy


This may seem so basic and simple to some...but this is TRULY my fantasy...

Let me wake up to some of those pancakes?? OK? :)

Or



*much better*

September 20, 2011

I Deserve Some Poetry



As I've stated more than once now on this blog, temptation since declaring I'm celibate has been coming at me left and right. I've stood my ground thus far and not given into it. I've been  very diplomatic and very nice in not being a total b*tch and cursing dudes out when they come at me. I realize now that often times, that has been their aim all along. It is disheartening and disappointing. And although they say it doesn't bother them, me spurning their advances, I am sure a man can only take so many "no's" before they virtually lose their mind and the good sense God gave them.

That being said, my most recent, incident in "just saying no", made me realize that even if I was giving it up, I deserve more. In talking to a guy friend, a most attractive one, we had a conversation where he asked "Can we cheat?" In thinking perhaps this was a typo, I said "Do you mean chat? Sure?" He goes.."No.  Not chat. Can we cheat? I mean, I want to sex you"

**Pause**

It wasn't the fact that he asked me that irked me. I knew eventually I'd get guys coming at me that way, although I vehemently declared that I'd be taking this break.. I knew I'd be tempted and folks would try and lead me astray.

But..uhm...YOU CAN ASK ME BETTER THAN THAT!

It isn't the face that you asked, it is how you asked. Whatever happened to "I want to make love to you" or "I'd love to experience your body" or something a hell of a lot more poetic than "I wanna sex you".  Who are you? Color Me Badd? That's so disturbing to me. I deserve better than that. I deserve a little poetry in the seduction.

If/When I was having sex, telling me "I wanna sex you", would not get the panties at all. If anything I'd laugh in your face. But instead of laughing this time, I just ended the conversation abruptly (of course, after declaring no "sexing of me" would be going down). They said they understood and they "just asked" , but I don't believe it. Perhaps they think they have the "magic touch" (or magic stick) that will make me change my mind. But I'm not. I can't. I feel like if I do, I'd have disobeyed God. And that, I can't deal with.

Perhaps it is impossible for me to think some red, blooded American man will be patiently waiting for me. But when the time comes, and it's time to really undress to the barest of who we are, emotionally and physically, I need to hear the most magical, poetic words in the any language:

"Je t'aime"
Te quiero

Eu te amo


"ti amo, mi sono innamorato di te"
 Ich liebe dich
我爱你
私はあなたを愛して

"I love you"

That wins any day. :)


September 19, 2011

Dying on the Vine


In reading this book for our “virtual” book club meeting, I was struck by a few concepts that I am personally struggling with. How do I live my life and still date? How do I be the person I am meant to be without compromising myself? How do I still feel sexy and beautiful without having to engage in that manner?  In particular, how do I shut off sex without shutting down as a woman (154)? Specifically, the author says the following:
“We can shut down inside, clamp off the pain of unmet desire and live in a small place where we feel almost nothing…plenty of women make this choice, often subconsciously…it feels safer than taking the risks that “having a life” entails, but it is really a form of dying on the vine” (162).

And that is my fear: If I leave this part dormant in my life for longer than I anticipate, that I will die on the vine, like a rotting grape who had the potential to be turned into fine wine.  Right now, I am not ripe for “plucking” (no pun intended), but I do not want to waste away, my feminine essence just spoiling in the sun. There is a lot of goodness inside me, ready to be shared with others. But the "sweet nectar" of who I am, that part isn't available anymore.
I spoke about my aunt once, who now hasn’t had a date or been with a man in ANY intimate way (not just sexually), in almost 13 years. No dates. No calls. Nothing. She declares this with no shape as if it doesn't matter. But I see now how that has affected her. She’s nice as can be, but often times I see the depression. I see herself filling her life with things that can’t do what a man would. I don’t want to use church as a substitute for a man, or useless home décor, or anything else for that matter. She’s snappy and defensive. She uses so many things as a substitute. That frightens me.
The author said it herself: “All the therapy in the world can’t do what the arms of a man can”. And it’s absolutely true. So where is the balance? How do I retain a sense of the feminine without feeling like I’m dying? And the feminist in me would say that my feminine aura is not tied into male hegemonic definitions of my sexuality. However, I’ve always felt sex and sexuality are two sides to the coin. They work in tandem, the male and female of it all.
A man saying “Women aren’t isht...Imma do me and bang a lot of broads” is just as bad as a woman saying “I’m swearing off all men. I’m going to stay to myself”.  Women and men usually have different reactions to the same problem. And that problem is simply pain.  It is the pain of not knowing if this next person will break your heart. It is the pain of having an already damaged heart leaking and oozing hurt and shame. It is the pain of knowing that if you get back out there, you may be faced with the same thing, the same rejection and the same uncertainty. It’s all a crap shoot. Will my heart and feminine essence become corroded and I start to die? How can I get back out there, dating, not losing a sense of the feminine yet not withering away?

Since declaring celibacy, I’ve been tempted more than once. I know that fear of me dying on the vine still is in the back of my head. And perhaps it is my own fault in some ways. I was all gung-ho, ready to give in then all of a sudden, it is like turning off the faucet. But as my friend Tee said “If you have a leaky faucet, turn it off, and call the ultimate Maintenance Man (The Father) to fix it”. And she’s right.
But nevertheless, as I wait to be fixed, as I wait to be healed and repaired, will I start to rust?

September 16, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling


Feeling
  • Miss Universe is a sister from the motherland. She is Miss Angola Leila Lopes
  • Unapologetic for the standards I've set for myself
  • My Playa del Carmen Spring Break! It's already booked! YES MA"AM!!!
  • Very independent for traveling solo. I'm scared but.........oh well.
  • My baby cousins. They are so so funny and smart little ones
  • That "smart" will forever be sexy
  • Mickey D's has the best fast-food coffee.
  • Happy Hour with my Girls. (It's now my weekly "thing")
  • Truly happy for my ex that he's serious with someone else. Cause if I can be happy for him..maybe it'll rub off on me.
  • NARS SUPER Orgasm blush
  • Men who are still chivalrous
  • Free. Like a big weight has been lifted off of me since taking steps to better myself spiritually and physically.
Not Feeling
  • Like I have to compromise my morals to be loved. I won't do it.
  • This crazy class I have. It isn't what I signed up for. Not one iota. This semester blows
  • My look. I colored my hair (it's still not light enough). I'm so bored with  my look. I need something hot. Lashes, new brow shape/color, something....*sigh*
  • Like time is on my side. I would like some little ones of my own.
  • motivated to work out. I'm just not. *sigh*. Im eating right but I'm sluggish. I'm heading to the Dr to see what the deal is.
  • Like I know what direction I want to go into after this PhD
  • Like the more "education" I have...the less "desirable" I will be.
  • The fact that my father and I are just not two people who will ever get along. LOL
  • Like my mother keeps asking about guys that I know aren't interested. I think she wants grandkids. LOL.
  • That men want to be in love.
  • Or that guy that is meant to love me is out there. *shrug*
  • How Republicans hate Obama. It's utter disrespect I've never seen in my lifetime.
  • Beautiful. Nope...not at all.......*sigh*. I'm struggling right now.
  • Like I know how to "date" w/ my new commitment spiritually. It's kinda sad.
  • Like God hears my prayers all the time. Maybe The Creator isn't listening to me :(

September 14, 2011

Post-it Notes and Index Cards

As I wrote a week or so ago, I have a wish box where I add my hopes, desires, and dreams. I also started tat sometimes I wrote long letters to my "future husband" or "unborn child", etc. I know it seems so crazy to most...but it gives me a great sense of comfort to put these thoughts somewhere.

Sometimes I write tiny peices of paper and slip them inside there. Little things. Little sexy things I say I'd like to do or want to happen with my mate. Sometimes they are as small as a fortune cookie sizes slip or as big as an index card. Whenever it hits me, I will grab some paper and slip them in. Some are mushy but most times these things are funny.  I'll share some of my favorites

Dear Future Husband...I promise to NEVER wear panties with my skirts or dresses.

Dear Hunny....I promise to hide your stash of porn on YOUR side of the night stand and away from the kid (s).

Dear Hunny... I hope you like your eggs scrambled cause I can't make a proper omlette to save my life!

Dear Future Husband...I can only sleep naked every night if you promise to hold me every night.

Dear Husband....If we ever have a fight..to make up...I'll get your fav expensive cigar and liq...if you get my fav Louboutins. Deal?

Dear Hubby...Pray for me as I am praying for you.

Dear Husband...hold my hand when we cross the street. I know Im not a kid but I like how secure it makes me feel.

Dear Husband...you can change a diaper like a champ! :)

Dear Babe.....cooking in your boxers is oh so hot!

Dear Babe...remember that night in St Lucia........


As you can see. I have a pretty good imagination. (LOL). But it gives me comfort because I know deep in my heart these notes will become reality to one deserving man. Just this morning...I added the following

Dear Husband...you were worth the wait. I guess the second time's the charm.


And I am sure it will be :)

September 13, 2011

Tuesday Tunes: Musiq "BeFriends"

Today's Tune is by the one and only Musiq SoulChild. I LOVE this song. It's from his new album "MusiqntheMagiq" The lyrics of this song are where I am right now...

"I go through your pictures in my phone
Cause sometimes they get me through the day
And whenever I start to feel alone
I just play your voice mail
That I saved before things change"


I'm sure the person whose picture I look at isn't thinking about me. But I still have that voicemail where he sang "Happy Birthday" to me. And his picture....Even for that moment I was happy. And I damn sure didn't want to be friends. I  had already started loving him....

Such is life.

September 11, 2011

The Big "C".....

It's probably as bad as "cancer"....(ok..not really..let me stop being dramatic"), but the word "celibacy" strikes as much fear in the hearts of men (and women) as would cancer. And just like cancer, it seems as though people have the same reaction to the idea/word "celibacy".

They don't know what to do or what to say. They are shell shocked and a little taken back. They aren't sure to feel sorry for me or to cheer me on and encourage me.

The scariest part is actually going back out here and dating. One guy I told gave me a high five. What? High five? That was so weird. Another guy laughed and said "Are you serious?" Some just get really, really quiet. Stunned and defeated.

I was reading an article a while ago in the AJC and it asked the question : "If you are celibate, when do you spring it on the guy that you are not going there sexually? How can you date?" I posed the question to my friends. Some said date 1. Others said that was too soon..give it 3 to 5 dates because dude might not even be around after day 1.

The thought of telling a man I'm celibate makes me sorta nauseated.  Furthermore, the thought of putting on a sexy dress, heels, and looking killer on a date just to "serve a meal to a hungry man and he STILL can't eat", is too torturous for me and the guy. So I've just chosen to sit back and chill.  Yes, I know that's going to make it tougher but I can't and don't know how to date. Men have sex in the forefront of their minds. I have no idea if someone is interested in the "courting" process anymore. I guess my cute shoes and body con Kardashian dress will just sit in the closet collecting dust. *sigh*


I'm still reading this book on Sex and Celibacy. I am hoping somehow it will tell me how to date as a celibate woman. Somehow I don't have much hope. That isn't even me usually. Somehow I always have a glimmer of hope. ALWAYS. I know I seem so tough like things never really bother me. But they do. I just shove them and push them down deeper.  And although it's been about 5 months since no sex...and a few weeks since I declared consciously that I'd not engaged sexually anymore, I feel a pain inside.

The book I am reading said "There is nothing more healing to a woman that a man's arms". Yes..that's true. There is something so healing and securing about that place. You feel safe. A kiss on the forehead seals the deal that "I'm here. Nothing will hurt you including me" (even if it's only temporary).  Although the feminist in me wants to say "that's hogwash!", the romantic in me nods fervently.

Our Skype session last week had me thinking about it more as one of the participants said her current boyfriend told her he wouldn't have dated her if she was celibate. That makes me a little sad. Is everyone feeling that way? Does that add pressure to a woman to "put out" to keep a guy around? And the bigger question is, what kind of guy will stay? And if he stays, is it an act of pure respect or wearing you down?

I'm trying to get over the fear of getting out there and the fear of reactions. And being open to a date or two. Or meeting a nice guy. Only to eventually have to tell him "I'm not allowing penis entry right now" (LOL).  Is that even possible? Will even a good guy stay? Or will he go? How do you do that?

No seriously...HOW do you do that???

September 9, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling

Feeling

  • I admit..I kinda like some of the stuff from the Kardashian at Sears stuff. AND, my homegirl ThePrissyMommy over at http://www.stylemeprissy.com/ pulled off some cute looks. So..I broke down and ordered some.
  • I've decided to get into fitness competitively. So Imma be ripped (LOL)
  • Im on a debt diet. Feels good to get a handle on stuff.
  • My solo trip to Playa del Carmen I'm planning. This place looks so amazing!
  • The SATSB Bookclub Skype I had. It was amazing...thanks girls!
  • purple blush.
  • ..like I need a new look. so..new hair color it shall be!! Back to being a red head!
  • good about paying Tithes! YES LAWD!
  • a lot less "lonely"
  • I NEED that Iphone 5 real bad. This Blackberry is kaput!
  • Classic Smokey Robinson..this is my FAV SONG of his of all time.
  • I also NEED new albums from: Ryan Leslie, Frank Ocean, Maxwell, and Brandy.
  • ..that maybe this journey in abstinance is getting easier.
Not Feeling
  • The fact that those Kardashians are some opportunist ass hookers. LOL
  • Why must they spell everything with a K...like a Kappa?
  • Why they always playing Khloe to the left cause she's the "big girl". They pose her in weird angles and hide her very "normal". body...
  • But that Khloe and Lamar perfume smells like dog hair..ugh. YUCK!
  • So I ordered a dress from said collection..and uhm...I know Im "thick" but these sizes are ridic! I looked like a sausage casing! Gotta return it.
  • Kim's wedding...ugh..so contrived.
  • Fitness competitions mean no more eating like I do. Gotta change :( Oh well..no Mac and Cheese except for Thanksgiving!
  • Im on a debt diet. So...no more crazy amounts of shoes. (LOL)
  • The fact that this trip is gonna be solo........ugh. Oh well.
  • One of my classes is an absolute pain.
  • Personal trainers are too damn expensive.
  • ..like trying any new and "daring" makeup looks. I like what I like.
  • like I got "swag" (LOL). Someone told me I had swag? What? LOL...
  • the fact that I got both Sex and the City movies but NOT the entire collection. I fail as a woman! LOL
  • the fact that my friend Rita has that damn Beyonce "Party" song stuck in my head. Ugh...make it stop!
  • Food is too high
  • The Rent is too damn high
  • ...but feeling more "alone".
  • ...that this journey in abstinence is getting "easier". (LOL)

September 6, 2011

Just Liking P***y


(Serena Williams at the 2011 ESPY awards...killing em!)


I was having a conversation with a guy once. A guy I found to be smart, attractive, funny and accomplished. A guy I thought as this model of a man....he was and is a good friend.

We were having a good conversation so...I decided to pick his brain about what kind of woman he liked. In the past I knew he dated sort of a "type" of woman: models, actresses, airline stewardesses, singers/entertainers. I think there may have even been a stripper or something thrown in there. At any rate, I knew he had a type. But I also knew he seemed to have some sort of "interest" in me. Not sure what...but I'd like to know how I even fit this strange mix.

So I asked him.."So what's your type?"  He goes.."I dont have a type. I mean..everyone says I date the VH1 Model types..but I don't have a type. I just like p**y".

*Pause*

Ok. Is this the part where I should be flattered or concerned?? My inner "Michele Wallace/bell hooks" raised its point antennas to make me aware somehow. I felt numbed. I wasn't sure if he meant that in a non-descript way or in a generic way. I wasn't sure if he meant to say it as to say "Oh no worries...you have what it takes...you have a pu**y".

I instantly felt compartmentalized. Like I was the sum of my vagina or something: what it can do, what it can provide. That the rest of a woman. The Intellect? Humor? Kindness? was something that was put on the back burner.

What happened to simply saying "I like all types of women". That I would have been ok with. I also understand that we are a visual creature. I understand that too. But to say "I like p**sy" is to strip a woman of the very essence of who she is and to say she is just the sum of her parts.

 I instantly felt all of my limited Marxist theory reading come to the foreground of my brain: "A woman is not a woman. She is just what she can produce. She is her vagina. And what her vagina can produce is orgasms. That is all that is important in the male "consumer" sexual economy. My vagina has more value than the worker whose vagina it is. My vagina has become Marx's coat"

So here I was...just hearing this man say "I like p**y".  I was able to internalize and recognize my feelings. I was both stunned and appalled. I was thinking "Here's a guy with intellect...sensibilities.." when in fact he is just a guy...a guy whose animalistic base...his primal brain...had taken over with regards to women. Was the value in my "work" and worth my p**y?

What woman wants to be the sum of her vagina? I am thinking none. Not even a prostitute. Even they, too, want to be valued as human beings. And their vagina at least has a pricetag. And I most certainly didn't want to be "someone's p**y". Or "just some new p**y" or just that "good p**y". I want to be "someone's woman"...someone's "new good woman"....someone's "new girlfriend". I don't want to be part of the old adage "What's better than old p**y? New p**y". I don't wanna be "new p**y". or "old p***y"  I don't wanna be " p**y" at all. I want to be more than that.

Where do we go from here?

I don't think anywhere....not until the language surrounding women changes. If it's not "that p**y" then a woman becomes "That b*TCH"....if not "That b*tch..." then she is "That hoe"....and on and on until she is simply less and less valued....less and less a woman...and more and more the "sum of her parts".. or simply the "parts of her parts"

Dude can keep on liking ""p**sy". He can call me when he starts liking "women"



September 5, 2011

Hope in a Box

"That night, Charlotte got out her wish box where she kept reminders of all the things she hoped for in life. A gift for Shayla. A town house in the city, a beach house in East Hampton. Her dream man. Her backup dream man.. It’s very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes…"- Sex and the City

****
Not sure if anyone remembers that early episode of Sex and the City. Carrie and the gals went to a baby shower of a friend who, coincidentally, had stolen the baby name that Charlotte wanted for her "future kid". Charlotte was hurt.... Later that night....Charlotte went into her wish box perusing items.

I was not one forr very "hokey" things such as wish boxes and etc. But I decided to be more "proactive in my positivity" and a girlfriend of mine decided we would have "wish boxes" where we would put in items and things that we hope for.

My journey to the wish box was a long and ardious process. First off, it started with me hunting for the actual box. I wanted something that was practical and me...something I could slide under my bed....something that was girly and cute. I eventually found a floral baby blue and brown box (which also matched my room decor) that had a silky brown ribbon at Marshalls.  That Saturday, I bought it right away, for a nominal price of $8, and went to work on my project.

I went about the business of filling it with things.  This was sorta tough...but I didn't want it too crowded or filled with unnecessary things. Just trivial items with no meaning...so I sat and looked around my room.

I filled it with lingerie I wanted to wear on the "special night" with someone...special things I feel like only HE would love. Frilly things. Sexy things. Daring things...."Wedding White" things...

I filled with with pictures of places I wanted to travel to: Australia, London, Ghana, Toronto, Anguilla, St. Lucia....so many places...

I filled it with pics of guys I felt were my "dream guy". Some real. Some celebrity. Somehow I'd get an amalgamation of them all.

There was one singular baby outfit and my own receiving blanket I got from my mother..

I filled it with a picture of the engagement ring I wanted. Surprsingly..I could probably by it for myself. Just as a regular ring...it's not pricey. But it's what I want..

I filled it with fitness idols..pics of women liek Janet Jackson who have bodies I wanna work hard for.

I filled it with a few other odds and ends, even an empty picture frame where I would hope I'd have a pic of me and my love in it.....

I put in a copy of the Bible I got as a kid...

Afte it was all said and done...I had a pretty good collection of things...except...

Where was the personalization? Where was the spirit??

I sat and pulled out a few sheets of paper. I tried to write but balled up the pages. I finally pulled out my laptop and started to type. I wrote letter after letter., Tears were streaming down my face...

I wrote a letter to my unborn child...I wrote one for a girl...one for a boy...I wrote letters to my "intended mate"...my hopes and dreams for us....my desires to be the kind of wife I failed to be in my first marriage. I wrote about what I felt like things would be like. Not an idealized view...the good and the bad. I prayed that he was praying for me as I was him...I hoped that he would forgive me for being impefect...but that I was perfect for them....

Finally, I wrote a letter to myself. I forgave myself for my past. I wrote down what I wanted to be..my goals..my desires...to actually think of them is one thing...but to verbalize is to really put it in the atomosphere.

I printed out the letters and realized that my little wish box was overflowing. Maybe I needed a bigger box.  Or maybe I need to take some stuff out. As soon as I was going to remove some things...it hit me...

Never say your dreams won't fit in your life. You will be pressed down..shaken together..and running over with God's blessings.  Maybe you to  need to make sure have a "bigger life"...or a bigger "spirit"  to fill it up with all the dreams...not smaller dreams.

I smiled and just stuffed everything in the box. This was a good starter.......


...I'll just get a bigger box next month.

September 2, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling

Feeling


  • So Beyonce's gonne be a mom...well...that's nice *shrug*. Isn't that what married folks do?
  • This new vow Im taking in my life. I pray it's rewarding.
  • Being able to properly tithe again...God does provide!
  • My classes...tough but def pushing me to think outside the box between disciplines.
  • This solo trip I plan on taking. I am so excited. They say it's the one thing a woman should do...
  • Men in suits
  • Men who bring flowers on first dates.
  • The Help. The movie was pretty good.
  • Skype. I have a newfound respect for it
  • My supportive friends. God bless them
  • All this clarity Im getting. It's a miracle when things don't distract you
  • The Shoe Blog....DOPE! (Join it why don't ya! :) )
  • More and more beautiful in God's eyes. and He's the only person that matters.
  • Friends who will call and talk to you until you fall asleep
  • Bills being paid off.
  • The new fall shows....I am so amped
  • Finally at peace...

Not Feeling

  • So Beyonce's gonna be a mom...well..that's nice *shrug* Isn't that what a lotta married folks do? The world will go on somehow. She ain't Mary...and she aint birthing the Messiah...
  • How some folks were crying at that news..bawling outta control..like they got an invite to the sower..she's their first cousin...or some shit. You can't go get no gift from Target..please have a seat..an entire pew even.
  • How people didn't realize that in itself was a joke. I'm well aware she wont be registering at no damn Target.
  • They act like her and Jay Z are the "new bastions" of black marriage and "doing it right" and all types of glowing morals. If I hear that phrase on Twitter "Beyonce dated...go married..had a baby...etc". Imma hurl. LOTS of black women do this. *points to self*
  • How folks are quick to call me a "hater" cause I said all that. Grow up...*smh*
  • The res of the MTV VMAs were a bore. and That Lady Gaga "Joe" bit was frightening and old
  • Nikki Minaj and Gaga musta switched places that night..or bodies or something. She was on one too.
  • Lil Wayne and his jeggings. It was just too much.
  • Now that I've committed myself only to MYSELF...I have no idea how to date anymore w/o those thoughts popping into my head.
  • How people automatically think I want to "teach" when I say I am getting a PhD in English. I mean..I dont have to.....
  • This heat. I'm over it and want to rock sweaters that hide the wobbly bits. LOL.
  • Ive had insomnia for like...2 weeks straight. VERY sleepless and restless nights...
  • This road is about to get a whole lot tougher....

September 1, 2011

Thursday Tunes: Jill Scott "Hear My Call"

I think when I first heard the song..I sorta skipped over it on the CD as some sorta "melodramatic" joint I wasnt feeling in the midst of her "sensual" album The Light of the Sun. But........as I come to this point in my journey...where as Jill says "Love has burned me raw".............I def need to listen to this more than ever.






Thank you sister, Jilly from Philly! My soul needed that :)

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