December 28, 2010

Breakfast: A Poem


I just want to have sex.
With you.
I just want to have sex.
With him.
And make him an omelet
An egg-white omelet
For Breakfast
On New Year’s Day
And send him home.
But I’ll have to ask
The question
The classic question:
What are you doing?
New Year’s
New Year’s Eve?

December 22, 2010

Ask The MochaPeach: Is It Like Riding a Bike?


Dear The Mocha Peach:

I am having a serious, anxiety issue. You see…after a devastating break up and having my wedding called off a month before the date, I have not been dating that often. But recently, I met a guy that gives me butterflies. He’s amazing. We’ve been dating for a while now. The only problem is: I haven’t had sex SINCE I broke up with my fiancĂ©. That was 22 months ago! I am so scared and nervous. I feel like I’d be really wack at sex now because I’m so out of practice. I literally don’t know where the f*** to begin.  I want to go there with the new guy but I feel like I have no idea if I’ll be able to please him. I feel like a virgin all over again at 30 years old. Do you have any advice?

Signed,

Is It Like Riding a Bike?

******

Dear Is it Like Riding a Bike:

My dear, I want to commend you on not giving your cookies away for 22 months. My goodness! What a serious test of will power and selection. This goes to show that you are selective, you know what you want, and you don’t want to share that special part of you with any old random joker! Bravo! Furthermore, I know how hard it can be to be intimate after a break up. I took quite a break after my divorce as well… But you def took a great, healthy amount of time to heal from something so awful and painful.

But uhm.. HONEY! It has been 22 months.  We got to dust the cobwebs offa that thang! And you have every right to take it there after 22 months (and as a 30 year old) if you feel like you’ve met the right guy, and he cares about you and your needs. By default, you will not be terrible if he CARES (which is the key word here).

However, if you are feeling some trepidation about getting back in the sexual saddle and getting your inner freak reverse cowgirl on, then I say we take some baby steps. Try some self-stimulation if you haven’t done so to some erotic music. (Might I suggest the new TANK album as a soundtrack)? Watch some hot steamy love scenes (not porn…love scenes). My favorite love scenes: 9 ½ weeks, Unfaithful, and of course Love Jones.  Let your mind be open and your body be relaxed. Read some erotic literature (I do NOT suggest Zane.eck! I like the Black Erotica/Erotic Noire compilation). Invest in a good vibrator (I think I’ve done enough vibrator and other tool reviews on here to help you out). In other words, we have to rediscover what makes YOU tick.

Secondly, honey we must go shopping! Please get some new undies and new stilettos. Nothing makes me feel sexier than sexy, frilly things. Because I am a busty gal, I order my things from Fredericks or Ultimo of London (yep..I import my slutty wear..LOL).  But good, affordable things can be found at Ross, TJ Maxx, hell even WalMart.  And don’t forget a nice comfy pair for F**-me-pumps! They wont be on long anyway!

Lastly and if at all possible (and if you can stomach it), graduate to watching a bit of hardcore porn. We don’t want you screwing like a porn star RIGHT out the gate after such a long departure, just get the “essence” of porn star. We can graduate to full on porn star once the relationship progresses.

When the “big night” arrives, make sure you are armed to the T: hair done, nails done, waxed, shaved, pluck and ready to be f*cked. (lol).  Break out that new lingerie I told you to buy. I don’t give a damn if you all are watching a video and eating popcorn on your couch, at least you will feel sexy while doing so underneath your jeans and t-shirt. Start slow…do some slow touching…hands..leg…ears. Kiss his check. Start SLOW. Don’t pounce the man. It makes it seem so awkward. There is a fine line to seduction and cheesiness. And we don’t need you cheesy. Once you are relaxed, guide his hands to the places that YOU feel comfortable being touched and SHOW him how you want to be touched. Whisper it “I like it like this” or “Yes. That’s how I like it”. Don’t be harsh in your tone or approach.

If all you want to do is kiss and make out and go to “old school Second base” (not new school cause that means giving head probably), then that’s cool. Some over the clothes touching and kissing should ease you into the idea of sex at least. And with all the other things, you should be armed and ready to go.

Overall, what I am trying to say, dear reader, is do things at YOUR pace and YOUR comfort level. All in all. Things will work out. And yes, my dear, it is JUST like riding a bike. You may not have peddled in a while, but at least you know the basic mechanics so you won’t fall off.

Happy Love Making!

Smooches.


**If you'd like to Ask the Mocha Peach, send her an email via sexliesandemail@gmail.com. All questions will remain anonymous**

December 20, 2010

Relationship Resolutions for 2011



In 2011 I vow:

  • o To get out more. No matter my circumstances. I need to get out more.

  • o  To let sex be on the backburner for as long as I possibly can. Though the flesh is weak and men are beautiful, we got to be stronger than this.

  • o To somehow “turn down my sexy”. This is going to sound crazy but I have to figure out whatever it is I am doing that makes men go left…when I do not intentionally do it.

  • o To stop being so shy and actually approach someone that I find attractive. Rejection be damned.

  • o To actually have a “date wardrobe”: a wardrobe in preparation for dates so I can be ready when the time comes.

  • o To be ready. Can’t get caught slipping with the brows, nails, pedi, waxing, hair Gotta stay ready…never know when an opportunity to go out will present itself.

  • o Take chances. Open myself up to other races…. even “non-traditional” arrangements like long-distance, someone 10 years older, or even bi-coastal…hey…if a dude in this city won’t be checking for me. I’m sure someone else will.

  • o Try joining more organizations of a professional nature to meet new friends.

  • o To get a GOOD girl crew to roll with. I have no one. Smh No one reliable anyway.

  • o Seek no one’s advice but my own (other than professional therapist and maybe my mama. and that’s a strong maybe)

  • o Identify what my Love Language is. I am not sure what it takes for me to be satisfied.

  • o To get out of “wife mode”. I was a fiancĂ© and wife for so long I don’t know how to just be a “girlfriend”. So some stuff has to be turned off. The caring when I don’t need to…the cooking…the catering. F**K THAT! It’s about ME in 2011! IF you do for me..I’ll do for you. But I’m not doing for you off the jump!

  • o To date more like a man. Per professional advice…I need to keep a rotation of 3 (for a little while..not my whole dating life) so that I can experience dating more.

  • o To not keep quiet. If something bothers me, I need to speak up and say so.

  • o To not settle yet be open. If a person has 7 out of 10 things remember..70% still means passing  :)
  • o To get out of my comfort zone: vacation alone. Eat out alone. Be more adventurous and where I go and even who I meet.

  • o To not let guys come over for weeks at a time..esp. in the beginning of new relationships/friendships.

  • o Not spend the night and vice-versa for several months into the relationship.

December 17, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling: The 2010 Year-in-Review

Feeling/ Not Feeling
For 2010

Feeling
·         Living my academic dreams
·         Mariah and Nick living their dreams. Not a big fan of Mariah’s music but so happy she’s happy.
·         Hopeful for the new year
·         Having my mother one more year
·         Being able to bless others and have them be a blessing to me
·         The new blog design coming soon! OMG! HOT-NESS!!!
·         The possibility of shaving my head a la Chrisette come 2011. (I don’t know...this could be a phase)
·         Getting my debt taken care of…stuff is moving and shaking J
·         Revamping my wardrobe
·         Designing my bedroom to be more “adult”. I got that done. (I need new linens though)
·         My Falcons and their record! WOO HOO! (and MAYBE I’ll be able to throw a Superbowl Party! *crossing fingers* )
·         Forgiveness and friendship
·         The increased readers of my blog...love you all to pieces. *smooches*
·         Looking forward to traveling. Trying to plan a Ghana trip in Summer 2011.
·         Working on myself...for myself…and no one else…from the inside out.
·         A quiet, Christmas. Just me..my mama..and some Cold Stone Hot Chocolate.
·         I think that I did pretty well in my first semester of school! *shrug*
·         Getting rid of dead weight. B*tch..Be Gone!!
·         Getting paid early for Xmas and we have almost 2 weeks off! SCHWEET!
 


Not Feeling
·         The hellafied dating experiences I’ve been on
·         The #1 thing I want for Christmas…I can’t get. *sigh*
·         Having to register late for classes because my job pays for it! *sigh*
·         Not wearing half of the new wardrobe I bought (lol)
·         Still not being a mom in 2010 *sigh*. Oh well...I’d be a bad mom anyway...no time.
·         Bernie Madoff’s son committing suicide...sooooo sad
·         Michael Jackson being dead. I can’t come to grips with it..(and the Wii game being sold out everywhere! DAMMIT!)
·         The lack of good music that was released this year…so sad.
·         Being totally humiliated in so many ways
·         Not obtaining a few personal goals
·         Not bonding with a close group of gal-pals and falling outta touch with so many
·         Not traveling enough…I need some passport stamps!
·         All these soft-singing jokers that came out in 2010. LOL….
·         Stalling on the work out tip (we’ll get it together with a  better school schedule next semester)
·         Still being single in 2010. I didn’t have one, single positive relationship.
·         This being Oprah’s Last Year *sniff*
·         How they are trying to undermine Obama and the election results..sooo sad!
·         All the lame ass pick up lines I’ve heard this year
·         Unrequited love and heartbreak
·         Denim leggings being called “jeggings”. That shit annoys me greatly.

December 16, 2010

This Wicked Game....

**I wasn't going to share this on the blog..but..I've been transparent thus far in my dating experiences..why not stop now..so here goes....**

I started carrying a convo on with a guy named ...well..we'lll call him Mr Violations (cause he had at least 4 of the 10 violations I talked about in my last blog but...Ialthough it was comedy...Ialso didn't wanna judge a book by it's cover).

Gorgeous..dimples..well-chisled..brown skinned tiny gap in his teeth..originally from Queens but living in DC. The convo was going really well via texting and chatting. So..we decided to take it to Oovoo (it's sorta like Skype but better....clearer pictures)

So anyway..we are chatting and the chatting was going well..laughing and what not. So..he asked (as they all do)..do I have any pictures. So..I send him some..you know..full body...etc. I wasnt naked. I was well dressed. in my designer finest. It was pics from when I went to see Maxwell and some from earlier this year..and when I went to DC last time...Shoot..I thought I was looking good then....

There was a super long pause. Mind you..I can see what the person is looking like on the other end.

His face went from: winky toconfused towtf
I was like "Uhm...did you get the pictures??"confused

*SUPER LONG PAUSE...peppered with some "uhmmmms" and "errrrrs"*

He goes "Can I be honest? Uhm..well...you are a little on the heavy-set side for me"

Mind you..we still on the cam...I did my best to hide my impending tears and said "Well...ok.."

Then as if to qualify that he goes "Well..ya know..some women say that I'm too fit"

I'm like.."Uh huh...ok"whatevah What person in their right mind would say a person is too fit? He wasnt body builder status but I am sure NO WOMAN was gonna complain about him being "too fit".

The convo goes awkward..then  finally dead...so I say I'm going to bed and end it... ugh! N*gga I gave you a chance...Violations and all.

*****
I tweeted it..and while people were very sweet...it didn't help. I cried for hours last night. I didn't go to bed for another hour or so. I cried looking in the mirror getting dressed this morning. .Hell..I cried this morning coming in on the bus. I'm crying now as I type this. It was embarassing. It took me back to the 4th grade when I used to write love poetry to Miguel Davida and he found out..and in the middle of the cafateria  he said.."I dont want you. You are fat. You are ugly." OR when I was in high school..at 125..I was one of the heaviest cheerleaders on my squad and I had to wear those short skirts and I heard chicks say "Gosh..her thighs are HUGE..." But to have things magnified like this.....*sigh*. No words.

That's it. I'm done. As my boy says.."IM OFF". In my 31 years on this earth..NEVER has a guy told me I was heavy set. Thick yes? Heavy-set? NO. And def not to my damn face...and DEF not making screw faces at pics I sent. Look dude..I KNOW I got my problem areas but damn..I didnt think it was anything a pretty face and good conversation couldnt make up for. And these were nice pics I sent you. Nothing was revealing..not even my fat rolls.  But Heavy-Set? When I think Heavy-Set I think Monique? Sherri Shepard? Or even Queen Latifah? But me??? I'm 5'4" and a size 10/12....double-digits means I'm "heavy set"??? A little pooch and boobs means I'm "heavy set"?? Someone's "thick" is the next man's "heavy set".

*sigh*

This dating game is wicked...WICKED. I've been much more polite about turning a guy down. I've never said "You are too FAT for me" or "Too UGLY"...esp after you seemed so interested before. I'm southern. I have decorum...I've let people down a whole lot easier. It is one thing to have a preference and stick to it..we all do..but it's one thing to be blatantly rude.

I give up you guys. I can't..I just CAN'T do this.  I dont wanna meet anyone else. It's always something. If it's not me "not being mobile"...then it's me being too "natural". And if it's not me being "too natural"..then it's me being "too dark".  And now it's me being too "heavy set"?


*throws hands up*


(I hope that bama trips up in a dark club while he's trying to take a bathroom pic wearing dark shades and doing the kissy face in the mirror with no shirt on............Hmpf!)

December 12, 2010

Red Light Special: One Day in Amsterdam (NSFW)

Our Guest Blogger is AJ. She's a foodie and world traveler. She's also one of my oldest and dearest "cyber-friends"...if you can imagine that! She's decided to give us a little Black American's tourist view of good old Amsterdam and their red-light district as she travels Europe this month for work.
(For more food related posts from AJ, visit her at http://ajthefoodie.blogspot.com)


********

Hey Guys!

Note:  I am a food blogger, but I just HAD to get these thoughts out - and I thought Ms. Mocha Peach's sexy lil blog was the perfect stage for my sex-inspired encounter.

Some of these images may be slightly graphic.  This post is SO not safe for work. 

For 3 weeks, I straddled (no pun intended) the fence about whether I should go on a weekend trip to Amsterdam while I was in Europe for business. 
Decided at the last minute to book a ticket.  I arrived in cloudy, misty Amsterdam at about 10am.  Not unlike other trips I plan while overseas, I have a few places where I know I would love to visit, but other than that, I sort of let my feet take me wherever.  Traveling alone is awesome!  You don't feel tied down to anyone, you can be a complete tourist (or not) - I love it.  After i did a quick-hit tour of the city via boat on the lovely amsterdam canals, I hit the red light district.




I had no idea where this place was - i just followed the hordes of young college aged men. :)  Before I knew it, I was walking on lovely cobblestone streets with girls/women in little glass booths.  Yes, the Infamous Amsterdam Red Light District.

If you'd like to know more about the history of the Red Light District, check out this link. (History of the Red Light District 

I will say that visiting the Red Light District was a very interesting experience...

Top 11 interesting thoughts/things I learned while walking through the red light district.

1.  Sex Sells.  I get it.  However, do I really need a penis shaped coffee mug?  Or a tshirt with some sort of sex position on it?  Or perhaps Pinocchio with not only a growing nose, but also a growing penis.  OR how about a cute little stuffed bunny rabbit with a huge penis.  I can imagine that men with small penises probably get penis envy around all these phallic symbols all over the place.


I'll never look at little Pinocchio the same again... 


2.  Don't take pictures of the prostitutes while they're getting their hustle on.  Or ever.  Would you like to know how I know?  Ok, since you asked... I read on travel blogs that you might get cursed out trying to take a picture of the prostitutes catching a 'date'.  Of course I'm hard-headed...  I learned this first hand! LOL! I even tried to be slick by taking a picture of the geese swimming in the canals, then sort of panned my camera up to where the guy was (i guess) asking for her price.  Keep in mind that I was across the street.  This half naked girl jumped out of the window and was screaming at me in Dutch.  I'm sure she called me fat, and probably some racial epithet as well.  But hey - at least I'm not a prostitute! *ole bony heffa! hmph* But I guess I could understand her frustration - ths is her job - although quite unsavory for my tastes, but i'd hate to have somebody gawking at me when I was trying to do my job.

See the Red Lights?  And the Prostitute?

3.  To the women out there that feel like they aren't (insert any and every physical insecurity) enough....There is someone for everybody.  I saw girls of all races, tiny girls, no boobs, curvy girls with big booties, old women, and even plus sized girls (Hell this one sista looked like ME in a g-string! WTF?!).  And - there was SOME man out there that liked each one of them.  I swear that I saw a dude in full drag, but that's another story for another blog.  (Ok - fine - this ...person had huge boobs, but the face was all hard and manly.  I suppose it could've been a woman??  ok. probably not)

4.  I'd probably go to a peep show if I were there with my husband.  Primarily because I'm nosey. but not nosey enough to do it alone. it would be rather creepy alone. Did I just admit that?  shh.  keep it between us.

Peep Show!



5.  If I didn't see a dildo ever again, I'd be ok.  I walked in several sex stores, and i think I got sensory overload.  
 One of Many Sex Shop Storefronts

6.  I walked in one sex museum, and saw a mannequin dressed in a Santa Claus costume while riding a bedazzled bike.  I thought that it was strange, until I actually examined the bike.  Well...see this picture.


I see why she was pedaling so hard! The jury is out regarding which hole that pole is going...

7.  Europeans pay FAR too much money for sex toys.  Like, you seriously wanted 25 EURO (which is about 30-40 bucks) for a regular run of the mill bullet?  California Exotic sells all over the world, and buddy, you're getting hosed!   

8.  There are some...interesting fetishes out there in the world.  I guess it turns somebody on...I'm gonna leave it at that.

9.  Could you imagine 'the Hangover' in amsterdam?  Dude might not have went back to the US to get married!

10.  Americans are prudes. There would be demonstrations and all sorts of madness going on.  I guess Amsterdam figures - they're gonna do it anyway.  Why not legalize and (I'm SURE!) tax the prostitutes!

11. I imagine what the rooms smell like.  They probably smell like cheap french perfume, herring, waffles, and weed.  Oh, I forgot to mention - Cannabis/Weed/MaryJane is legal as well in Amsterdam.

One of Many Coffeeshops in Amsterdam

  Hope you enjoyed my little visual tour of Amsterdam's Red Light District!

-AJ

December 1, 2010

The NSWF Weekly "Porn" Review: Because She's "Single"

...which isn't exactly "porn" But apparently YouTube (like idiots) thinks that it is..

Not too many music videos leave me speechless these days...but Mr. Raheem Devaughn's new one (which incidentally was banned from YouTube) has done just that. It's called "Single" (and swipes that Lil Wayne beat from the song with the same title).... It left me a little hot and bothered.


I'm telling you..I need me a thick, lipped joker who is well-versed in the ways of the Book of SWV, Chapter 1, Verse 1..."Downtown". Hammercy, Raheem! I woke up and had the video on my mind. Everyone has the fantasy of having a little trist in a hotel room with a very hot and sexy lover (could be your boyfriend or fiancee'...your "FWB" or even your husband doing a little role playing). I dunno if that makes me LAME for actually watching the video without sound and pretending the chick is a thinner, finer version of me (lol)...or I just have a vivid imagination. I've always wanted to show up to my man's hotel room, briefcase and trenchcoat in hand...for one unbridled night of passion.

*sigh*

Either way...you all enjoy...and maybe get a little inspired to do the same thing :)

PS: I know this may be a little inappropriate to post on World AIDS Day..then again..Raheem is advertising Magnums....so..SAFE SEX people! Get tested

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