This Thanksgiving marks a lot of things and milestones for me. This is just the 2nd holiday season where I'm totally alone and single. Unlike holidays of the past, I'm also in a super excited mood for the holiday season. I was so pressed to get a tree and stockings and Santa Hats and Christmas PJs. (LOL).... I trimmed my tree last night, playing Jackson 5 Christmas CDs, and drinking gourmet hot cocoa (ok..ok..it was Swiss Miss....LMAO!). I ordered my OWN gifts (and those for my family)...and gift wrapped them under the tree.
But this Thanksgiving is also sad for me as well. My mother still doesn't have a kidney (she's on dialysis) and my ex's Grandmother passed away. I really liked her a whole lot. When I found out the news yesterday, I just broke down and left work. It hit me so hard.... I am sure the white folks at my job didn't understand...but...family is family. A piece of paper meaning that we "dissolved" as a married couple means nothing....she was sweet as pie to me. I am so thankful that I knew her for these short years....
I'm reflecting on what I'm thankful for. You know I love lists... I'm thankful for:
God touching me with his fingertip of love and allowing me to live in my right mind..and have my health and strength
...that God is a God of a second-chance...at everything: love, life, and happiness.
my mother....she's the light of my life.
to have known my ex's Grandmother...she was sweet to me.
for music...the music of music..the music of life...the music of laughter. I'm happy
to be able to have a great holiday season.
to have loved and to have been loved..and to know I can love again and will be loved again.
to be employed still..and every bill can be paid.
...thankful...for being in school and working toward my goals.
...for good friends..the ones who have my back and I know they only want the best for my.
..my brother. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had :) and truly one of my best friends.
and simply...just for life...
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Dont eat too much.... I promise I'm going to dust off my Nikes after I eat my weight in ham and potato salad :)
I think I'm a beautiful girl. I really do. (at least that's what my Mama told me and I dare you to say something bad about Marcie!!) I think I have lovely bone structure and although we can all use some "work" here and there, overall, I'm not hideous. You dont have to screw me with a paper bag over my head. I def feel my self esteem is pretty balanced most days and I will admit, it took a LONG time for me to get there. That being said...I do feel like I put a "dating restriction" on myself.
I can pinpoint the day when it started...
I had a sorority sister who, by all accounts, (I) thought she was a friend to me. I was in school in a new state and around new people and she became a friend to me. She always wanted to set me up on dates...but..every dude she set me up with was NOT attractive to me. I went out on these dates because I was young and I figured a) I was bored, wanting to get out of the house. and b) I was hungry and sick of the meal plan I was on (lol). But no..no spark. EVERY dude she set me up with was not cute at all. IT started to give me a complex. She said.."Oh..i just thought that these guys would mesh well with you that's all". Ehh..no. One talked my head off..and one bored me...one as a sexual deviant...and one was just there was no spark.
I've always been shy and quiet..and I never approached dudes. But one day..I had finally got up the courage to approach a guy, one gorgeous half black/half Asian fraternity brother of mine. I was so excited because I got the guy's number. We talked..but I felt something wasn't right. He wasn't responsive. He didn't pay attention to anything that I said. I was crushed. I told my "friend" at the time and she goes "Oh gosh! Why'd you talk to him! You're not his type..he likes a more "fit" girl..like MY OTHER friend....I mean you have a great face but he really prefers someone pretty AND fit". I realized then that all the dates she set me up on were with dudes whom she felt were "in my league"....ugly, overweight, fat. Clearly, she didn't have a high opinion of me. And perhaps she even took it a step further and may have even talked to the guy. (On a side note..this same "friend" was supposed to be in my wedding and back out. I didn't speak to her again. BUT..when I got divorced..my ex told me SHE was trying to set him up with folks....again...she wasn't much of a friend). I can't blame her totally...but I def know she probably just added heat to an already festering insecurity.
Anyway...That was it for me. She had dome irreparable damage to my psyche. After that, when I ran across guys that fine, I clam up and would just avoid them altogether in social settings. I told myself I could a) guys like this were too attractive for me and weren't attracted to me b) never approach a man again and c) I'd never approach a man who was clearly "out of my league". This isn't to say I'd just date ugly dudes fro the rest of my days..and my ex husband wasn't an ugly man by any means. BUT..I def stopped dating or even approaching men and I didn't expect those kind of men to be attracted to me. I did try it briefly after I was divorced..and dude shot me down...and instead wanted to talk to my cousin (who wasn't even remotely interested in him). Once again...I was way outta bounds and it gave me a total blow to my confidence. Dude was just a bit too "extraordinary". I figured I'd stay in my "league". Find a smart, fairly attractive (think more/less Hill Harper and wayyy less Boris Kodjoe) guy who didn't look like a supermodel, body builder type..he was just a regular dude who was kind and cute to me. I'd rather just save myself the embarrassment.
I've been in situations where a man can be so fine talking to me that my palms sweat, I get physically hot inside, and I feel nauseated. I smile through it but after a while I'll just excuse myself and avoid the guy for the rest of the night. Let him talk to a supermodel., a chick with a bigger ass, whatever. And I've done it to my friends..I know a good looking guy, avoid any hint or inkling that I may be attracted to the guy (and I very well could be) and I set them up with a friend, just to avoid any ideas that I may get about being attracted to the guy because deep down I feel like I'm not that guy's type. He wouldn't go for me and maybe just maybe..I don't deserve that dude. (if there's any such thing as deserving a "person" so to speak). In the event I DO meet a guy who's super good looking and the relationship went sour OR he left me for a girl with better assets, I wouldn't be surprised....I couldn't be hurt or mad. Could Gabby Sidibe really be made if Evan Ross wasnt into her??? Should she date the dude who played Biggie in Notorious?
Ugh...sounds like I need a therapist (lol).
Do you ever have that feeling that you meet someone and they are, at least looks wise, way out of your league? Does it make you nervous? Does it have you questioning yourself and your judgement? Is there even such a thing as being "out of your league"? How on earth can we get outta this "self imposed" dating restriction on ourselves??
I'm trying to be more outgoing and less shy, all while allowing guys to still approach me (Im old fashioned, definitely). I'm trying to allow myself to think "Sure that fine guy could holler at me if he was interested". It hasn't happend in a SUPER long time..but now I think I wont look at it with skepticism anymore.
Black Girls INDEED Rock..(I need one of those shirts)
My simple Christmas List (*ahem*... hint hint): Marshalls/Ross/TjMaxx/DSW giftcards, a Wii in RED, a 40 inch Flatscreen, a classic Tiffany necklace and bracelet, Bulgari watch (HA! yeah right)...and a Kindle. Yep..that's it :)
the semester is ALMOST OVER! WOO HOO!
my upcoming trip to DC MLK weekend..cant wait to squeeze and love and (possibly) cry with my girls!
Vegas...March 2011..It's going down..BASEMENT!!
Kanye selling his soul and intergrity for some record sales. That Interview w/ Matt Lauer was a PR nightmare and mess.
someone as LAME as Tony Parker would cheat on Eva Longoria...gosh..there is no hope I tell ya if corny jokers think they can cheat.
this weight just won't go away....*sigh*
not having time to clean my apartment the way I'd like...and not having a maid. LOL
my slacking up on Pedis (and manis)! Just cause it's almost winter doesnt mean I need to neglect my feet. Even if I just do it myself....
getting married again. This all could change. It ebs and flows...
the way men are quite dismissive of women and relationships. It's sad.
people trying to hook me up who truly have NO CLUE about what I like..and asking me to make concessions. Divorced doesnt mean desperate. I am still YOUNG and attractive enough (I feel) not to have to compromise.
I dont have enough white friends (lol)
I just have no desire to date......it has fizzled....
Perstistant, bugaboo jokers...*smh* Dude..pace your damn self...and get a clue!
the fact I can not properly wear certain clothing....which brings me to the next point....
the fact that plastic surgery is soooo expensive. I am quite candid in saying I want some work done. But..the costs are just..awful.
Essence Magazine is just terrible these days
I dont have a defined "style" anymore....so many cute winter looks and Im both broke and undecided on what to do style wise.
my readership for the blog is NOT GOOD. I hate how people jsut read and never comment. I'd appreciate a comment every blue moon. I esp have ONE reader..who's probably reading now....who will bring up what I say in conversations with them. How weird are you, DUDE?
being stuck here the next few years due to school. I wanna quit but..I cant. And you just cant "transfer" into another PhD program.
My girlfriend/sorority sister/legal eagle, Y, sent me a link to a New York Times article about the Huffington Posts new section totally dedicated to DIVORCE.- a section that has dating information, info on blended families, and even the effects of divorce (and of course..celebrity divorce gossip). It's actually quite resourceful. Even noted author Nora Ephron, known for her cheerful, happy books, is also a contributor to the section. I thought to myself..wow..Divorce is PROFITABLE! Gosh...perhaps my decision to be a blog about "life after divorce" wasn't such a bad idea.
Well...Huffington Post's new section...wasnt an instant hit. It sent the blogosphere into an uproar, particularly with those dear, old (and often delusional) Mommy Bloggers (most of whom are SAHM's who think Divorce just will NOT HAPPEN to them). They called Nora Ephron (who is a contributor to the section) crazy for finding humor in divorce. Women took it so far to say Ephron was doing a disservice to women who were divorced to abuse or addiction in marriages .I'm sure when Ms Ephron, a noted author, decided to sign up to contribute to this section she wasn't trying to find the humor in abuse. Out of context...these bloggers went there! "There is nothing funny about DIVORCE!", they screamed from behind their keyboards.
But guess what..Divorce is funny. You have to laugh through the pain. I won't even lie..I did some FUNNY ISHT during my divorce. I mean at the time, I didnt THINK it was funny...but looking back on it..I can laugh.
For example: During one of our major fights, I was so angry that I went and bought a bike chain and locked the fridge. My husband, who wasnt working,wasnt contributing but sitting at home eating all the food. I got tired of coming home seeing dishes in the sink and he was on the couch eating. I got tired of cooking and not being appreciated. So...I locked the fridge. He was MAD AS HELL! I think he lost 15 lbs in a week (lol). I dunno WHO was feeding him...but it wasn't me. I think he sent his cousin text messages like "OMG..I'm so hungry" LMAO! Bruh was NOT gonna get in that fridge....At the time I was furious..but now..that was probably a silly (and mean) thing to do.
Fights are funny. Actions are funny. Breakups can be comical. I've had a lot of funny break ups..funny last conversations that were clouded with my tears. I said some funny and often times irrational things. Men who've broken up with me..have said some funny shit. Stuff like "I'm just an asshole..I'd hurt you" or "Of course..you werent the BEST sex I've had". Or when your MIL get so upset that you divorced your baby...she wants the china back that she and her family bought (not to use..just to have it back)..and you stand over it..with a hammer...debating on sending it back to her in 1000 pieces. Yeah that hurts...but you gotta laugh at it. If we can't laugh to keep from crying, what good is humor as a soothing balm for what ails us? Comedians would be out of business and TV sitcoms wouldn't have many plots to work with.
I'm gonna need these delusional bloggers to get over it....and laugh a little. And even my fellow divorced compadres....we gotta learn to laugh through the pain.
Because one day we'll be laughing....and it'll just be pure joy we are celebrating!
I absolutely love blogging. Writing is and has always been my first love. I love that my blog has a pretty clear focus and that I get pleasure and enjoyment out of giving you all a sneak peak into my world of dating, divorce, and all things in between. I even got the balls and bravery to do some video blogs (vlogs).
But...there's no money in blogging...about Sex and Relationships.
I'm not saying I'm blogging for the dough. That's crazy talk! BUT...I'd love to get incentives. Slowly but surely...I participated in some cool give-aways and in some great review programs but..UNLIKEthe Mom Bloggers....which there seems to be a greater market for...folks aren't running to ME. Folks arent sponsoring me for contests or blog networking conventions or anything! Unlike mom bloggers (or even pop culture bloggers), we (the sex and relationship bloggers) don't get the great amount of PR or anything. Some of the mama blogs I read arent even that good (lol)..and every week there seems to be a new one...but from a marketing scale they are SUPER attractive. It doesnt work and there's no market... I see my girlfriends who are mom bloggers withpubs on radio stations, in major magazines, and taking pics and networking with celebs. I'm proud of them..but I def want and need to get in on that. (I mean..unless someone knocks me up in the next year or so..and I change the focus of my blog around totally..I dont see myself doing that.....lol)
It's up to ME to create the market and demand....and this is where design, marketing and self-promotion will be key. I think I'm going to start a Facebook fan page seperate from my personal page....I already have the business cards and the new blog design coming. Heck..maybe I'll start my OWN blogging network for those who deal with sex and relationship issues *LightBulb* . It'll all come together because I'm patient. I also love the fact that I get emails from women (trust I'll be answering some of them SOON in an upcoming vlog) and messages from people who read my blog! I feel so so blessed! I didnt think my lil ol blog would be that awesome to some people.
I see bigger things for this. What was intended to be a hobby and place for me to vent, has turned into a full scale labor of love. And just like anything laborous....it's gonna be hard work. I'm not trying to win awards. I'm just trying to get my message (whatever that may be) out there.
Just a 30-something African-American woman living in the Deep South's largest metropolis (for now) who is a lover of all things shoe...the higher the heel..the better...who is also navigating the world of dating, mating, and all things in-between post-divorce.
For PR opportunities contact me at : firstname.lastname@example.org
*NOTE*: I do not claim the rights to any of these photos that I use. If there is an issue, please contact me directly.