August 27, 2010

Members Only




Everyone likes exclusivity: Sororities. Country Clubs. Posh restaurants with exclusive dress codes…the Hall of Fame. We all want a place to call OURS that only WE and a select few can belong to. Black women these days want to belong to a myriad of “members only” establishments-namely “First and ONLY Wives Club” and “Mommy’s only”.

When I was married, I found myself part of that exclusive club albeit briefly. The “I won’t be a statistic, I’m an educated black woman who found someone and that someone found good enough to marry” club. I was fast-tracking it to several other exclusive memberships: the homeownership in a nice neighborhood club, the “vacationing w/ couples and having adult play date” club, the “always have a built-in plus one” club, and finally, the all-exclusively grandiose golden club of “Motherhood” which is akin to something like The Links, The Girlfriends, Junior League, and any other elite social-service club you could think.

That all changed on December 1, 2008 when I got divorced. My membership to the club was revoked. There wasn’t a card burning or my paraphernalia snatched. There was no phone call or meeting. It was more subtle. The calls stopped. The check-ins and mindless chatter stopped. The sharing of their lives with me ended. I was no longer part of the club-the sisterhood of married, black women who had escaped the fate of singleness. They had moved on…and with it I just got painful reminders of how membership had its privileges. Severed where the built-in girlfriends, shoulders to cry on, prayer partners and support systems. Broken all because my marriage was broken…It seemed unfair.

My girlfriend of umpteen years, as soon as I shared the news with her that I was divorcing, stopped talking to me. I couldn’t believe it. After sharing numerous momentous and joyous occasions together, she couldn’t be here for my personal pain. She didn’t call to see how I was. Instead of being able and excited to cart our husbands around to various events and show them off along with our degrees and achievement as some sort of “tag team”, she dumped me to the wayside. She never returned my calls. She stopped interacting with me via Facebook. She never replied to my emails to check on her and her new child. All I could see was pictures of her new life and how we were no longer friends. It was a painful reminder of the revocation of my membership.

I stopped getting invited to weddings...I mean it stopped cold. I didn’t have my built-in plus one. And they probably felt like it was bad luck to have divorced me there at the wedding. I didnt want to be a hex anyway....or a reminder of the shadow of my old-self, my former posh membership.

The “couple friends” that I had amassed during my marriage had left, slowly deleting me from friends’ lists. Failing to let me know if they came to town to visit. Failing to invite me to things that had nothing to do with couple things at all. If I ran into them, they barely made conversation. I'm not sure what that was about.

And most embarrassingly, was how new moms interacted with me. I remember being out with a group of women, new moms and expecting (married) mothers. Wives who wanted to be mothers. They shared stories of diapers and cranky husbands. Breast feeding versus the bottle. Gas and teething and tips on daycare. They tried to involve me in the conversation but you can tell it was a strain. What was I doing here? I suppose out of cordiality. They passed the babies around as casually as you would pass the salt at a dinner table. I guess  they thought holding a baby was the panacea that I needed. It just made my heart ache worse. When the conversation turned to finding the right ob/ gyn, one girl, feeling that I was probably feeling left out, asked me who my gyno was. I sat there and just stared then slowly responded. I thought to myself. “Of what importance was it? None. Who cares about my barren uterus? No one…. “I felt like I was on display. A Mona Lisa with a crooked half-smile, hiding what I felt inside, and nodding aimlessly like a bobble head. It made me think that they were saying internally.."Poor Mocha...she'll never have this! She could have had this! Oh well..no longer part of the club!"

God-bless my married friends’ souls (Well...some of them.)…..they try not to make you feel like an outsider when in fact you really are.



I wonder: If I gain my membership back….would I be welcomed back in the fold?  Do I even want to be there?

August 23, 2010

Guest Blogger Week


In the spirit of all things amicable (and to give myself a mental/spiritual break as my Phd studies begin)...I am initiating a guest blogger week.

Starting this week..you'll get a lot of guest bloggers coming in to talk about a variety of topics such as:
homosexuality
romance
marriage
dating
finance
children
..and a hodge-podge of other stuff not necessarily related to my overall blog theme..but just stuff they like to write about and that I love to read!

Hopefully I can bring you all something new..AND peep you to the folks that I LOVE to read..that Im sure you will get hooked on as well

PS: If you want to be a guest blogger, hit me up in the comments area w/ some contact info and we can get started from there.

August 18, 2010

Salt on Wounds

Dear Readers:

I'd like to speak personally to you. I want to thank you for following the blog and reading. I want to thank those who actually comment...and like what I have to say..laugh and cry with me...nod your head in agreement..or even disagree vehemently. But...

...I'm thinking of scraping the blog.

I know..this may come as a shocker but I am. It's been theraputic. But I dont know. I think it's served it's purpose. I've vented enough about being divorced and single and sometimes sexless and etc.. to last a lifetime. There really isn't anything exciting going on with me.  I'm sure you dont want to hear blogs about school..NOT having a date and etc. I do love the people who do read and comment consistently. You mean a lot to me. But sometimes, talking about things are like putting a salt on a wound. It's never going to heal. People bringing it up all the time, is like pouring salt on the wounds of my life. All the encouragement in the world can't change feelings or history. Furthermore, I feel my writing has been really stagnant lately. I know I am a pretty good writer. I mean..sometimes I want to write, and the words don't come out. Or I get to the computer and cry because I realize while I have been open, I dont want to be THAT open and transparent. I feel too vulneranble even though I know that vulnerability drawers readers to me, and make them relate to me. I am glad I am relatable to someone. out there..  Furthermore, I am glad that the give-aways have been successful....but I am finding it harder and harder to find sponsors (due to the nature of the blog) and I do want men to participate, and nothing intrigues them really give-away wise.



Conversely.....I'd like to virtually kick those in the nuts or uterus who just read and don't comment (lol..j/k....kinda) . I know I cant force people to comment but a) it helps me know what topics folks like and what others dont. And b) no one is going to get your damn information when you post a comment. Dont be so daggone paranoid. Besides, you can post anonymously and c) if i wanted to expand and make the blog better, how would I know if I have no feedback. If i have low amounts of folks following via Google or Networked blogs.  I dont like getting emails to my PERSONAL email saying "Oh I read on your blog such and such". Furthermore, I hate when people who know I have a blog are QUITE vouyueristic saying "But on your blog..such and such". OMG!!!  It reminds of me my past memberships in groups and other websites devoted to aspects of my life: Greek life, being married, professional networking, etc. And when I become open, I leave myself open to too much. And because I am blunt and honest in my feelings and thoughts, people have a certain misconception about me. While these are my words..this is not the sum of who I am. Sometimes it IS just words. I also feel that perhaps the video blogs were too much. It lost some of the anonymity that I wanted with this blog....when I start seeing people addressing me by my REAL name on comments, then it's a problem. Anonymity is gone...long gone.

Plus, although this is about dating, mating, divorced and all things in-between, some folks are getting too obsessed with the state of my love life (lol...as if I am not already there!). It just exponentially makes me paranoid like..."Why oh Why, Mocha, did you even begin talking about this stuff??"  I've gotten less phone calls about "So how's everything? Your mama? etc?" and more about "So..who are you dating right now? Anyone exciting?" And the convo turns to dissapointment when I have far less to talk about in that area... There are no new men. The "100 Dates" thing was a total bust. My bed is still just filled with me. My condoms go unused. Do you really want to hear about that? .Sometimes, the ferver in which they talk about my ex husband is on the level of the ridiculous....*smh* serious hate..when I've buried that hatchet long ago and have moved on....again...it's salt on wounds.

Finally, because of certain changes going on in my life, I feel if I do continue with the blog, it'll be a bit hypocritical due to some of the things I've posted. I dont want to put on a facade but at the same time, I'm trying to be more intensely private and you can't do that with a blog. I mean you can., but my blog hasnt been that way since about a month into posting. *sigh*...I dont blame you, dear readers. This is all my fault..

What I may do is keep it as a poetry/ non-fiction type blog....then again..I may not.

But if I do...you'll be the first to know


Take care,

August 16, 2010

Just Mad as Hell




“I’m not bitter…I’m just mad as hell”



I am not a fan of Tyler Perry at all. In fact, I think Aaron McGruder was pretty spot-on with his social-commentary on the man. But that one line, in Diary of a Mad Black Women, has stuck with me for years.

Men are so quick to label a woman bitter and she has “bitter black women syndrome”, is a bitch, or just mean if she isn’t smiling all the time, or putting herself out there for men. In fact, she is just sad, disappointed, and hurt. Now, while I agree that these things can manifest themselves into bitterness, I’d say for the most part that women  are more angry/mad/sad than anything else with “bitterness” being the residual outcome of those things. Residual doesn’t mean encompassing the whole being or spirit of that person.

I often get accused of being bitter…a bitch…mean…etc. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. I won’t say I am a ray of sunshine 24/7. Things anger me. And when they do, I am quick to express them in my very quick-tempered, Aries kind of way. I won’t apologize for that. But I def won’t accept someone calling me “bitter” when I’m not.

On Facebook I have applications called Honesty Box and Formspring. For fun, people can ask me questions and say things that are on their mind to me…anonymously. Yeah, that’s a pretty dangerous tool for someone to have who dislikes you but for me it was just for fun and kicks and being silly. Well, people took it upon themselves to want to “dispense me some advice” such as these asinine “pearls of wisdom”:

In response to a FB status about disliking my single, bitter friends :

I'm not the one that posted anything, but I'd venture to say that whoever was asking you those questions asked in that manner because you have an abrasive personality and don't take criticism or advice well. You can point out everything wrong with everyone else, but your isht don't stink. You know that status message you posted, then deleted the other day about everyone having a friend that is mean and bitter and single...it's you. Sorry!


Or perhaps I have low self-esteem:

I think that right now you should focus on being a lover of your own self. You've been through a lot, and learning to love yourself will attract someone that will love YOU just as hard as you do.

Or in response to: If you were to take me out on a date...what would it consist of?

If I were a guy, it would be nothing because of her negative attitude towards men. Please watch The Secret. This will add so much to you at this time in your life.

Or my personal favorite when asked “If you could turn my life into a movie, what would the title be?”

BITCH

I'm not giving power to that! What so funny to me is that most of these responses, as indicated by the applications, have been from women. Women can indeed be mean. And I also deduced that these are women who don’t know me or assume from a few pithy status messages that I am that chick all the time. I guarantee these are women from a certain site I used to belong to. I need psychological help, to read some pope books, and I will end up single and alone. Who the fuck is you? So yeah, needless to say, I snapped. And contrary to popular belief, I don’t snap often.

But when it comes to relationships with a man, that’s the softest place on earth for me. I’m kind, open and honest. I give myself freely and completely if I am in love. I want to love you..Kiss you..Make love on a whole new level. I am “that girlfriend/wife”. I’m a great friend too in non-romantic arenas. It’s only when YOU HURT ME, wrong me in any kind of way, I get angry and mean. What do people expect you to do? Keep a smiling face? Shuck and jive? Skin and grin? No ma’am! No Sir! That isn’t how Mo-Mo operates. We let it out, good or bad, and keep it pushing.

But men can be just as blunt, thinking they are keeping it real when you are just being, well, mean. Saying stuff like “You need to do the work to fix yourself” as if I’m broken and need fixing. Or “Maybe you need to ask your married girls what they doing to keep their men” when I express hurt over being single or divorced. Or “Maybe you need to change your looks, cut your locs, attract a different caliber of man” when I express frustration at men not recognizing my own beauty. Newsflash: I LIKE ME. It took 31 years to get there but I do therefore I don’t need you to try and undo THAT massive amount of work I’ve done for myself. I’ve recognized my faults but it does no good when you “create” other faults for me to handle. If I’ve handled myself and “fixed” my issues and I’m still alone, whose fault is that then?

I had a conversation with someone (a guy) and they asked me “Don’t you think you can be mean?” I said..”Not when unprovoked” and they said “Are you sure?” WHAT! Who goes around being mean for no damn reason unless you are Satan himself, and even then Lucifer has an agenda? Why the fuck did you even ask me the question if you had your own doubts? Get out of here with that bullshit…(Hmpf..Guess that does make me mean).

Calling me “mean”, I can probably deal with. But bitter, I will not accept. Bitter means I’ve given up all hope, and truthfully just having a mustard seed of faith means I have hope. I’m not trying to end up being my over 50 aunt who hasn’t been with a man in well over a decade. I am not trying to spew out things like “I don’t need a man! I got JESUS” or something like that. That’s not me! Men piss me off on a DAILY basis, but I can’t say that I don’t need them. The fact is, as Jill Scott said so beautifully, I need you (men). And despite the lying, cheating and deceit at times, they need us too. I can’t be bitter, because bitter would mean that I am a lost cause. The problem isn’t that I’m bitter, the problem is that I’m tormented with sadness. I’m sad that I’m so hopelessly romantic. I’m sad that men don’t value me. I’m sad that I am THIS FINE (lol) and I’m sleeping alone at night. I’m sad that I eat dinner alone yet I always overcook. I’m sad lingerie and stilettos are going to waste. I’m sad the phone has stopped ringing so much so that I just disconnected it. I’m sad that I want more than just sex but if I wanted sex, I don’t have any real prospects. I’m sad the prospects I did have turned out to be total duds. I’m sad that things should be perfect in my life but it’s not really. Then sadness turns to anger……and anger then to indifference. More than anything, I’m numb and indifferent…for now. I’m not going to stay there. I don't resign myself to a life of "bitter black woman" syndrome. I’d be letting the naysayers win.



I think people should think twice before they call someone “bitter”. You don’t know the whole story. Sadness can only turn to bitterness if nothing sweet comes to quench it.



There’s always hope for sweetness …there has to be. If not, life is just not worth living.


But in the meantime...I'm just mad as hell.

August 13, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling

Feeling:
  •  FREE....since I've disconnected my cell phone and limited my social networks ON PURPOSE. Those who love me know how to reach me. Let's see how I survive
  • FREE....since I let people go out my life.
  • reading for leisure
  • old episodes of Soul Train
  • Scrabble....
  • my new patio set...
  • South African Shiraz
  • Old Whitney Houston
  • Kevin Hart...what a fool!
  • 100 Calorie Doritos
  • Flourless chocolate cake
  • potential refund checks! WOO HOO!
  • The Cooking Network
  • NFL PreSeason


Not Feeling:
  • LOVED....the feeling comes and goes.
  • HEALTHY...I feel so fat and winded when I run (LOL). Good lord.
  • MUSIC...kind of a stale season for music right now. Kinda waiting for Kanye.
  • the ability to shake this "unwanted" feeling.
  • boots in the summer. How moronic!
  • Terrell and Chad on the same team..two friggin coons!
  • having to read for school. I love to read..just not HAVING to read.
  • The Dream's music...just turrible
  • just because a dude is dark and bald..doesnt automatically make him SEXY. Please!
  • wasting cash on BC pills....for what???
  • people CONSTANTLY asking me "Are you excited about school?" Dude..I am 31 not 5! This is graduate school..no one gives a damn! *smh*
  • I'd like to have sex however there are no good, emotionally-healthy, or viable prospects
  • this being the last season of The Boondocks (I just refuse to believe it....)
  • Montana Fisburne's butt looking like her dad's face..full of craters, holes and what not! He cant deny that spotty butt if he tried!
  • the lack of eye candy on ATL public transpo...sadly this is not NYC.
  • THIS HEAT..good lord.

Give Away #3: And The Winner Is...

Thank you all for participating in Give Away #3......Pure Romance Smooth Operator.

Sophisticated. Sexy. Smooth! Each Smooth Operator is made by hand of sleek glass with a stripe that adds texture and a curved end that hits the spot. Use it on its own or slide the included 10 speed coated bullet into the end ring for exciting vibration. Try something new by chilling or heating the glass under running water before enjoying! Non porous and ultra hygienic, Smooth Operator Vaginal Vibrator is easy to clean after the fun. Bullet requires three AAA batteries.



All of the entires were awesome. Because I could NOT decided, I had a panel of 3 perfect strangers to pick the winner....they read through each entry and came to a concensus.. The Winner is......


AB
 Your entry was as follows:

Hmmm... my current get in the mood song is "Neighbors Know My Name," because I'm noisy during sex lol. I've really been utilizing bbm lately to get things started... sending freaky messages and enticing pictures throughout the day makes for a wonderful night ;)

Congratulations AB! Our panel of  judges (men and women) said that your answer was the best for several reasons. You kept it modern and hip by choosing a current artist  (Trey Songz) as your mood music. It was hot and steamy. The men liked that you were noisy in bed (lol) and used modern technology to spice things up. One panelist assumed that you were single (lol) and perhaps could use it more than someone with a partner (I dunno what that means. LMAO!)

In a close second place was MrsReener. They loved your music choice and the fact that you liked lubes and lotions... but there was something they liked about AB's entry more.




Please contact me in 3 business days via email with your name, address and contact information to redeem your prize!

For those of you who didn't win..but are interested in Pure Romance products and/or hosting a party...please contact :

Pure Romance by Alicia


678-428-8971



Thanks for participating and look out for more give-aways through Sex and the Southern Belle :)

August 12, 2010

The Fairytale of the Faithful Man

I'm starting to believe that the idea of a completely "faithful" man is an absolute fairytale.


Most men in my life, uncles, cousins, and even my own father havent been faithful at all. My own ex husband was not faithful to me.  And up until I was a grown up, I thought my maternal grandfather was faithful..and he wasnt.  On a positive note, I can say he didnt make any outside kids! When my friends tell me they believe deep down their fathers have never cheated, I think they are foolish UNLESS their father came out and said "I DO NOT DO THAT!" otherwise...it's fair game to assume. I took an informal poll..and that was a very slim number of folks who felt their father's didnt cheat.  I didn't dare ask my married friends this. of if they think their husbands have cheated..most of them are living in La-La Candyland.....

After my marriage, I dealt with a man who was cheating on his wife..with me.  His reasons for doing so were SO DUMB and unbelievable and unlike most women, I just saw it for what it was. I wasnt too proud of that and it ended swiftly...but like I said..I dont know any men who dont cheat. Dudes I've dealt with post marriage..I never had a huge amount of faith in their fidelity (or their ability to be faithful), mostly because we weren't in "relationships". And even if we were, I doubt they'd be faithful. Even a girl as pretty as Janet Jackson gets cheated on...so no amount of looks, niceness, good cooking, money you have, and sex could make someone be true to you.


Are we to expect men to cheat..and keep rolling? Or should we allow them provisions to cheat? You know "rules" to cheating.(Now..this isnt to say wives dont cheat and stuff..but right now..we are talking about the biological nature of men..being hardwired to cheat). A guy friend of mine has been dating a girl for 2 years..almost 3 and wont propose. Not because he doesnt love her....he just doesnt know if he can be faithful for THAT long..as in the rest of his life  (He says he hasnt cheated...but he def has wanted to...)





I was on FB and I posted a few articles on marriage (I dunno..something about marriage was speaking to my spirit).and one was on "Letting your man cheat" to save your marriage..and my soror  said the following:



Honestly, with all the media stories of celebrities cheating plus average folks... I'm beginning to understand that people (mostly men) aren't hardwired to be monogamous. So, instead of going thru the drama of enduring lying and the heartbreak of finding out about cheating... if your relationship is more than sex, if he has sex with another (and can manage not to develop a mental/emotional connection) I might be okay with this. I'm looking at it practically and realistically with the skeletons of relationships past where I have been cheated on. What hurt me the most was the lying and the disrespect of me. Knowing about it takes a bit of that away. Some people will... read this and think women (or men) who agree to this have low self esteem. Some do, but I don't believe that it is the case for all women. It's definitely not for everybody. In a fashion, I believe that is the realest a couple could be with one another. Is it better to know on the front end or be surprised on the back end? There's no guarantee that dude wouldn't form an emotional connection anyway... but I think a long-term relationship would be a no-no. More like, okay you need to get your rocks off occasionally with someone who doesn't mean anything. You couldn't be boning your ex every week. No sir. I have bought into the Prince Charming/Cinderella format and I think Western culture has conditioned us to believe that a relationship has to be one particular way. (Not Prince Charming + Cinderella + Snow White + etc...) If we were born in a different part of the world our outlook on monogamy could be different...



I sat back and I could see where she was coming from. I am woman enough to admit I've grown up and no longer naive to think that. ...Are we fools to think that there are men who do not cheat out here? Are they heros? or are they just learned to supress everything deep down? Is that even healthy? Men are programmed to fuck everything in sight (that's biology)...should we be fools to think that monogamy is normal or goes against nature? Should we design marriages that are open...instead of "monogomous"? Should we give a man permission to cheat...as long as no babies or diseases come your way? Is it better if you KNOW about it? Heck..this morning on Steve Harvey..the Strawberry Letter was about having an open marriage, etc. Most of the people who were UNDER 30 told Steve he was out of touch with how things worked in new relationships. If it isnt sex..then it's talking, cybersex, phone sex, trading pictures.....it's all cheating.



This is an age old argument. But I guess..what Im saying is..I guess I just expect a man to cheat. I lightweight expected my husband to cheat..I just didnt think he'd do it so soon in the marriage. Hell..give me a few years and a few kids to run us crazy and then cheat.  Let me let myself go..and not care about my looks..THEN cheat. This is part of the reason a small part of me doesnt want to get married again..not to anyone. If all you are gonna do is hurt me...then why bother? I can be sad and miserable alone. Would I be ok with a fine, chocolate man..who loved me Monday-Friday..fucked a bitch on Saturday and it meant nothing..and held my hand in church and loved me on Sunday? Why oh why is fidelity (and TRUTH) so damn hard? Much harder for men...I'd say because they just arent wired to do so NOR has it been stressed as a GOOD thing. Much is still made of sexing every chick, getting a notch in your belt to prove your male bravado and stroke your ego. I still believe a lot of this is generational..a generational curse....generation upon generation of men..who cheat..make outside kids..will produce men..who do the same thing w/o consequences..because they didnt see any growing up. MEN do men sh*t....and cheating happens to be one of those things.

If, by some miracle on earth my ex and I were to get back together..am I to assume he'd cheat again ?(although he says he didnt in the first place....but we know I dont think that's even true). I'd drive myself nuts in the end. And despite his being a better person post divorced, I think me still may because there is always a chance. And I couldnt be upset...I brought it on myself..so why even go crazy over it. I am convinced..most women go crazy over a dude or some dude doing them wrong...(lol). I truly dont believe a man can cheat once and never cheat again.  Why cant one woman be enough?  It aint that much pussy in the world! You can try to be Lil Wayne and wish you could fuck every girl in the world..but you cant and won't. Perhaps I'm still sort of old-fashioned when it comes to the notion of relationships. Should I be more "modern" and hip to the times as the caller on Steve Harvey said?  I just want a guy to find me pretty 365/24/7....and wanna love me all those days....and not find me boring and wanna go out there and stray. OR just fall in some pussy, whether that pussy be predatory or voluntary. It's to the point now that I've given myself a "fail safe" in the event a guy cheats. I'll calmly look at him and go "Is this what you want to do?". He doesn't have to put on a show (I've seen that..it's tiresome). He doesnt have to cry and repent or swear he wont do it again. He doesnt have to fear me going off the deep end and ending up on Snapped. I wont leave. I wont do anything crazy. That's for kids. I'll get up and walk out and be numb. I've had the worst happen to me.  So whats the answer? Heck..do I start cheating too? *sigh*.It all get so fuzzy and crazy...then  again I just tend to overthink things...perhaps dealing with the opposite sex, for me, should be purely sexual and not emotional. Emotions make stuff all foggy.  I demand to be respected. I demand to be held and put on a pedastal w/ regards to fidelity. Doesnt mean I'll get it. So..does it give a dude carte blanche to cheat on me?  Am I allowing the forces of Satan to creep in? Or am I being realistic?  Maybe not..Maybe so...







Are we as women asking for too much when we ask for fidelity (esp when it comes to a marriage)?  Should we make provisions to cheat?

August 11, 2010

Sisters, Dating, and The Black Church


A friend of mine tweeted an article she found on CNN.com about race in America. The focus was on dating and black women…and how the church may be hurting black women.
I always keep an open mind when I read. But I have long felt that the Church isn’t that conducive to women. Note: I didn’t say religion or even spiritual belief. If anything, those are positives. But the church is man-made, often corrupt, and way too influential by man over the spirits of women. Religion teaches you to leave what’s harmful; The Church will tell you to stay. Sprit instructs you to be guided by a force greater than yourself, whereas The Church teaches you to be led by a man/woman who has their own personal beliefs. The problem isn’t “religion” and its influence on dating, it’s the Church. Women in church (as the article states) look to the pastor as THE ALPHA male, a model for men. That’s not a good idea…because this can manifest in romantic feelings for a pastor. We know all too well the stories of the pastor cheating with the church secretary and etc.

The article (which also had video), painted the picture of a very pious woman who had an unwavering dedication to men and her AME upbringing. She wants a man to know Jesus and if he wants her he too has to have a relationship with The Father.

I can respect that…but what if someone has a spiritual upbringing but isn’t a church attendee on the regular OR believes in God, lives right, but doesn’t go to church. Should you automatically rule him out? Personally, I’ve never been a super regular church go-er but I do go. I do believe in the Heavenly father and I do want a man with a spiritual guide source of any kind. Does he have to go to church? Be a Baptist? Not swear or drink on Sundays? No…not at all.

The psychologist in the article said no woman should rule out a man because of that and we as women are being too literal in our interpretation of the bible and that on Sunday, that right may be at the ESPN Zone and not church watching the game... I totally agree with her. What’s the harm in skipping a Sunday service (Go to Bible Study Wed night instead…) and going to a nice sports spot and chilling with nice men? How is covering your body from head to two going to get you a man too? No harm in showing some arms or legs (IN GOOD TASTE). Where does it say you have to be covered from head to toe? (You can argue all you want with that...but that was all man-made)

With all things in life, I believe in balance. I have aunts who haven’t been with men in a decade yet throw themselves into church, proclaiming Jesus will find you a man. Well...if there are no eligble men in church and that’s the only place oyu go, chances are slim you will find anyone. So guess what...it’s not the church’s fault you are single…YOU are the reason you are single. Not saying church is the place you need to go to find a man, it’s an OPTION, but it def isn’t even the BEST option. It’s all on YOU. Men are everywhere...if you lead a totally “church filled life” and shun “secular” things such as a soul concert, an R rated movie, etc….how do you expect to find anyone?
I swear...sometimes we (black women) can be our own worst enemy. We pigeonhole ourselves and have this rigid dogmatic way of thinking.

My uncle just started a church. I thought what was unique about his church and its set up was how he said church didn’t have to be on Sunday. The Sabbath is what you make it. He has church on Saturday evening around 5 and they will get out well before 7. And bible study on Tuesday nights. He said that “Well...I think it’s nice because you can spend time on Sunday, maybe visit another church or even go watch the game, meet up with some friends, etc”. I laughed because most Pastors want your undivided time on Sunday and def aren’t as modern in their approach……(Besides, my uncle is a Cowboys fan. That ain’t happening. ) But I saw the structure as a time for women to maybe make time for themselves, get out and mingle and meet people without church taking up all their time.



Maybe more people will feel that way. Until then, if you choose to, ….keep on praying.

August 8, 2010

It's Football Season, STFU!

Ahh yes...Today's Hall of Fame game marks the beginning of football season! It's Pre-Season! For men..this is almost as good as Christmas! It's sooo awesome!

As a chick who loves football, I'm just as excited! I'm ready for my game day snacks (and gaining 50 more lbs)...jumping up and down...and hoping that the Falcons backfield will give Matt Ryan some room and our offense steps up! I got my lucky Falcons hat out...and I am good to go (and I only cheat on my Falcons w/ The Steelers and those fine ass Troy Polamalu and Hines Ward)

Am I speaking a foriegn language to you, ladies?

Looka here.....Ladies..if you do not like football, as I have wisely advised, please STFU and provide (or order if your microwaving ass cant cook) the snacks to your fella (and/or his friends)..OR Learn the game. OR learn to "perform"  a little mic check during halftime. This may garner you happiness and/or a Little Blue Box. That is all...

Men dont ask for much. They love their beer..their sports..their meat (lol), and sex.. If you can provide all of that PLUS tolerate sports..you are for sure a keeper. Add some sex DURING halftime..BOOM! You are most def a winner chicken dinner!

I will admit, I didnt love the game of football until I was dating my ex husband. I had a cursory knowledge.. I knew players..I had favorite ones..I knew the basic of the game. (learned from my mother actually)As a girl who loves sports in general (Im def more of a Baseball /Boxing/Basketball girl....). I was open to learning. Guys before were not open to even teaching me. My family, men and women, were HUGE into Football. But rarely if ever did the men I date want to teach me ALL the intricacies. When I met my ex, who used to play himself in HS, he taught me errythang..all the rules..and it all made sense. Then....I became OBSESSED...it turned a bit maniacal (LOL). Watching the draft...etc. Ex, he was a huge Raiders (bless his soul! LOL) and USC fan...so every Mon, Thurs, Fri-Sunday...it was all football..all the time. Thank God I had NFL network and TONS of sports channels

So when I created my dating profile..I def had to find a guy who loved football. That was TOTALLY unnegotiable. you could be white. You could be shorter than a I like. You could even have a club foot..but if you didnt like football..AUTOMATIC pass! I think men who dont like sports are freaks of nature! WTF is wrong with you?  OR WORSE..men who FAKE like they like sports..thinking they know stats and shit..and dont know a Quarterback sneak from a Hail Mary.....need to be burned at the stake. For all of these things, but especially this, I think I am the world's most perfect woman :)

But this is about the ladies...

Holly Robinson Peete (married to Rodney Peete, former NFL player_) has writen a helpful guide for women to learn the fame and enjoy sports. If you STILL cant get into sports, make the atmosphere enjoyable for your man...provide the beer and snacks..wear a cute, frilly team apron, and go sitchoassdownsomewhere and watch Lifetime. LEAVE THE ROOM. Dont sit there and try and ask a bunch of shit you arent interested in or worse..complain about the breaks, lenght, the cheerleading uniform skimpyness etc. OH SHUT UP! LMAO! Enough already.  Girl..make some cupcakes in his team colors and just get used to it...or become a "football widow" until February.

I hear some of you out there now.."Why I gotta LIKE FOOTBALL!..It's so damn stupid! I dont get it! Just a bunch of men running around pounding each other....It makes no sense! WHy I gotta make the damn snacks! I got other shit about me he likes other than football". Yadda! Yadda! Yadda! While that all may be well and good, girlfriend...that doesnt give you the SUPER DUPER brownie points that take you from "girl i like" to GIRLFRIEND to "WIFE". It just doesnt. Furthermore, men do shit for us ALL THE TIME That they dont wanna do. They dont wanna go to that stupid wine tasting or dinner w/ your married, lame friends! Do this for him......and in between quarters..give dude a lil head. :) He'll be so happy and you can get him to do anything! (LOL)..wash the dishes..mow the lawn..hell.maybe bake YOU a cake!

Besides..Football is SEXY...a bunch of men in TIGHT pants, with tight asses and incredible bodies who can run fast and are agile (Remember Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and OchoCinco ALL made it OR won Dancing with the Stars..not a coincidence). I know you cant see what they look like...but without helmets...these dudes are HOT..we talking SO HOT. LMAO! I mean it ought to be illegal to be that fine...I have my personal favs (Reggie Bush, Dhani Jones, Larry Fitzgerald, Darren Sharper, Hines Ward, Troy Polamalu...some of the rookies..)

Cmon ladies..give it a chance...some Football.

It'll be the icing on the preverbial "cake" of your relationship.

Learn to like it...love it..tolerate it...or just STFU and go knit!


(PS: GO DIRTY BIRDS!!!!)


August 6, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling

Feeling
  • SunDresses in the summer
  • my little cousin Shay...she makes me laugh
  • new baby smell
  • getting better with doing my own hair
  • Prop 8 being overturned
  • Ave Maria (I love that song)
  • outlet malls
  • the color yellow on my skin
  • the fact that I make Tacos at least twice a month (LOL)
  • My Current FB Status: If a wo/man wants to be with you, and they have a busy schedule, they will MAKE the time to be with you. Don't let that be an excuse. You won't be a "option", a "stop on the way home", you'll be priority..a welcomed destination. I just cant stand when I hear people use the excuse of "Well..they're just busy.that's why they dont come over/ask me out/call as much". If a person likes you, they MAKE the time
  • school starting in a few weeks
  • a fridge full of food..
  • Greek Salads (I can eat that everyday w/ a different kind of protein...)
  • baby names that I picked out....(but I might not get to use)
  • Steak and Shake Steakfranks..yummmmm!
  • Crystal Light on-the-go packs (Helps me drink more water!)
  • My Granny Annie-Ruth...I love her so much!



Not Feeling
  • "settling" for someone you could give a sh*t about.
  • strangers trying to add me on Facebook
  • being too poor to go to the hairstylist (LOL)
  • sporadic and strange text messages
  • men talking me to death..trading little messages..yet REFUSING to ask me out! WTF!
  • dudes trying to get a "to-go" plate from my house. Nigga this is not a take out!
  • that my right contact feels so weird in my eyeball *smh*
  • chicks going overboard w/ the eyelashes
  • People who wanna argue about MY FB status. What a dipshit! *smh*
  • feeling SO un-sexy these days....*sigh*
  • how the color white always attracts dirt
  • school starting in a few weeks....
  • people with a lack of black conciousness.
  • my biological clock ticking..and ticking.
  • a closet full of new lingerie and panties going to total waste.

Dear Mocha: " I Want That Old Thang Back"

What happens when you break up...to make up...but the thrill is gone?


How do you recapture the love and lusty romance you had before.......OR is that even possible?

This is a question that a reader posed me via email:

Dear Mocha:
My boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago. Recently, we decided to give it another try  but things are different. I still love and care for him, but the romantic feelings I had before are gone! I mean, I dont find him unattractive or anything. If anything we've become better friends. In between the break up, I've been with other guys who sexually were better but of course emotionally were lacking what my boyfriend had.  Plus, my boyfriend cheated which is why we broke up. I'm struggling to be romantic or even sexual. Is this the reason why I cant get over the wall? I just want it back to how it was before..where we loved on each other all the time. I'd really like some help! I dont want to lose my boyfriend again over this!


Well reader...this is a classic case of "I Want That Old Thang Back". The difficulty in desire of having "old thing back" is that..well..it just wont be the same.

I know you want things to be back to how they were before. Sometime love evolves...sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. In this case, you all have decided to move forward into something new. Is there something heavy on your heart? Is the cheating of the past making you build up an emotional wall? Perhaps these are issues that you can address in couples counseling. You have to let go of the past.

I think maybe if you refocuse things on something new...something refreshing instead of focusing on how romance USED to be back in the days of bliss, things will be better. Do a new activity together. Try a new position or act..incorperate some new things. Spice it up!

But most of all...forgive yourself for the past. THIS is what's keeping you from opening your heart up. SO what..you've been with other men. And maybe the sex was better...but they didn't love you or step up like the new boyfriend that you are WILLING to forgive. With love..the sex will get better  and your openness will also increase.

 It wont be the same kind of passion and romance..that was NEW love. This time it will be a comfortable, relaxed kind of love. The question is..can you deal with that? Will that sustain and satisfy you for the rest of your days with this person (if it heads toward marriage)


I hope this helps :)


August 5, 2010

NSFW: The Weekly Porn Review...

 ...When Porn Goes Wrong...

...VERY WRONG!

All around the internet and blogosphere, the people have been talking about Laurence Fishburne's daughter, Montana "Chippy D" Fishburn doing porn. Apparently, Ms. Chippy-D was inspired by the oh so great role model, dick-sucking for fame, professional athelete escort Kim Kardashian  as her catalyst for getting into the industry...saying "if her sex tape can make her famous, surely it can do the same for me". Hmm..ok dude! Your daddy is MORPHEUS! He is the Matrix, son! He was Othello!!

The screen shots have been released, courtesy of TMZ of course.



I feel for Laurence Fishburne. Every father wants to keep his daughter off the pole(and out of scandal). He has to be hurt and feeling like a failure as a father. What I dont understand is how she just could have EASILY gotten into regular film with her father being in film and her step mother, Gina Torres, is in film as well.  She's a gorgeous girl and so young (she is only 19)...so WTF you wanna be involved in a cut throat, drug-laden industry as well. If I am not mistaken, she was in Akeelah and the Bee...*smh*

Secondly, why on earth would she use Kim Kardashian of all people as her role model? HOW DUMB!  True..Kim totally milked this entire sex tape thing.  Hell..the woman has turned into a "verb" (aka. to "Kim Kardashian" your way up....is to sex for fame and recognition and exploitation). At least be like Kim and date some big time people, NOT BRIAN PUMPER. The dude raps and does porn. Hes the worst. I mean he's fine..I've always liked him..but this is just too far. He's also a a porn director and has a big time distribution company. I feel like he's exploiting her famous name for the sales of his DVD's.

You can see her interview here...on CarltonJordan.com

*SIGH*...just looking all busted with an equally busted looking young baby boy! *smh*. How the hell you even know about sex or acting like you like it..you are 19 years OLD!! AT HOME EXPERIENCE! WTF...cmon now!  at 19 I didnt know my clitoris from my urethra (LOL)...I didnt know a damn thing. I surely didn't learn how to fake enjoyment until I was well into my 20's. LOL.

Is this a cry for help? Does she need attention? Is she tied up in the wrong crowd?? It's rumored that she got caught up in a pimping case w/ her BOYFRIEND...(also in porn)..apparently he was pimping her out. SO SAD!


BTW...here is the LINK to the actual clip of her porn that's been leaked. She needs to get some skills, real skills, and handle all this body acne she has...GROSS!

So sad.. I just dont know what to make of it.

I give this whole thing a TOTAL 0!! EPIC FAIL....

I can't support this at all...........*smh* (Yes she is an adult and can do what she wants..but she obviously is desperate for attention....)

August 4, 2010

I'm Just Too F**** Fine

...for this.


WARNING: This is about to be the most conceited post in blog history.


I got these awesome set of 38 DD"s sitting up here. I'm 31..and they are STILL PERKY! (lol).  I am not too big. Not too skinny. Well..I'm thickums..but I'm thick in most of the right places. Thick in the thighs..Pretty on the eyes!!! I have near flawless Mocha-colored skin. One time..a man told me I looked like "chocolate with bits of gold in it" (which is the best compliment I've ever had). I wear my makeup with the precision of Rembrandt...yet I dont look painted on. When I have the cash..I make sure my feet and hands are done. I have a face full of almond shaped eyes...the perfect pout and straight white teeth. And these cheekbones! My goodness! People pay good money for these! I have a laugh that is infectious and I have a sweet, Southern drawl. My breath is never funky (if so..I try to rectify ASAP). My locs are always freshly done, scalp oiled and smell heavenly. I try to keep myself in shape..and work out 3-4 times a week. I have a great, classic sense of style that most people comment on and admire... I mean really..







I am far too smart and intelligent with a massive vocabulary and a cursory knowledge that would be really good on Jeopardy some day. I 'm mannerable, Southern girl. Parents love me! I believe in the Lord. I love my Mama. I think that men should be uplifted and appreciated and I surely am willing to put my "independent woman" self to the side..and let a man be a man....The idea of "submission" isn't so foreign to me anymore (I admit that in my older age....) just so long as a man knows God and respects and honors my opinion as well. We are a team!



I am far too talented. I paint. I draw. I'm pretty "crafty". I'm adventerous. I'm willing to try new things (this includes in the boom-boom room too!). I love creativity and that shows in my ability to love...and HOW I love...



....I am too fine for this.











Yet...







I haven't been on a date in almost *looks at calendar*...almost 2 months.



The clothes in my closet are collecting dust.



I haven't had "meaningful" sex in a LONG time.



I haven't been spoiled, doted on, adored, or pampered in forever.



I don't rememebr the last time I got butterflies when I dude called me (or he actually called..instead of texting me to death)



What are first kisses like?



What's it like waking up to someone who adores you?



It's to the point where I get a muthafucking attitude that I don't have shit to do on the weekends anymore....If I do go out...I get an attitude when I KNOW damn well I'm the finest heffa up in the spot and dudes ain't checking. I am not bragging or anything..but you know when you are ON...and when you aren't.











ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!






BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!



/End Rant

August 3, 2010

Just a Little Bit: A Poem

(Or is it a SONG..we aint sure! LOL)

SO..before I begin the poem..a little backstory of the inspiration:

The Scene: One night..in my house..after a HOT and tiring trip to WalMart



The Time: I dunno..*looks at cell phone* 10:45 pm



The Scenario: My text message alerts are going off as I sit on the couch, cooling out w/ a glass of Sweet Tea in my alumni T-shirt







Texter: Thinking bout you






Me: *rolls eyes*..... Wassup






Texter: Tired from work but missing you a little






Me: *thinking..how is "Missing me a little" in any way a compliment? I'm supposed to SWOON over that??*






MIssing me a little huh? Ok






Texter: How you been?






Me: *thinking...*sigh...so we really gonna do this *  Fine? And You?






Texter: I know you are FINE. lol. I'm happy to be working. I want to take you on a date soon






Me: *wait..was he trying to FLIRT? ugh...* Really? Well......................that's nice. Have a good night and get some rest....



MISS ME WITH THAT BULLSHIT! OH..so NOW you got a little job and shit..you wanna take me out? Too little..too fucking late. I didnt care if he was making a little money! I didnt care back then. I was treated piss poorly as a woman...If you feel like an afterthought despire your economic standings, of COURSE you;d be made to only be "missed a little"! What kind of a reaction should I have? Fuck you, assclown! I understand men can be rather embarassed at how ecomonics can be...but it shouldnt stop you from being creative, courting a woman,and getting to know her beyond the physical.

So on the train..a little song (with a thumping beat..damn..wish I could write music...w/ Monica singing in my head) came to me:



Took a chance on love
And a chance on you

Taking risks that just weren't cool

You were so fine

You blew my mind

Just played me for a fool



Then you hit me with mess

Some bullshit texts

Confessing feelings that just aint true.

I closed my eyes

And died inside

Thinking "he doesn't have a clue"





So I'm telling you to kick rocks

Let the madness stop

You aint feeling me worth a damn

I aint ya woman

You aint my man..

So this has to gotta end.



Sending me messages and lies

Trying to get between my thighs

And mess up all my sheets

Telling me "I'm missing you a lil bit"

For me.. Aint doing shit.

Cause you aint missing ALL of me.



I'm a whole woman

Standing on my own

In need of a complete man

What I won't stand for

Is you coming thru my door

Asking me for a second chance



When I was ready to give

All my love

You acted so unsure

But now all of a sudden

You lies meant nothing

But missing me "a little"

Just won't do



So I'm telling you to kick rocks

Let the madness stop

You aint feeling me worth a damn

I aint ya woman

You aint my man..

So this has to gotta end.



Sending me messages and lies

Trying to get between my thighs

And mess up all my sheets

Telling me "I'm missing you a lil bit"

For me.. Aint doing shit.

Cause you aint missing ALL of me.







(It's a work in progress.......................)

August 2, 2010

Give Away #3: Pure Romance Smooth Operator

As you all know..I am a definite supporter of fun and safe sexual activities and health.... And if you are also like me, you also know how to please yourself.....and spice things up with your partner. If you don't have a partner, a good ol' B.O.B. surely comes in handy. I've definitely sang the praises of  my B.O.B from time to time (see previous post)...and heck...I even did a video about it. See for yourself:



Sex and the Southern Belle is proud to present Give Away #3..and have teamed up with Alica Beckford-Husband of Pure Romance by Alicia to give away something a lot of us single sisters surely do need....your own personal "B.O.B" called The Smooth Operator- a GLASS vibrator. I giggled with delight because I LOVE glass vibrators and trust me ladies, this one will provide hours of fun!!!
Sophisticated. Sexy. Smooth! Each Smooth Operator is made by hand of sleek glass with a stripe that adds texture and a curved end that hits the spot. Use it on its own or slide the included 10 speed coated bullet into the end ring for exciting vibration. Try something new by chilling or heating the glass under running water before enjoying! Non porous and ultra hygienic, Smooth Operator Vaginal Vibrator is easy to clean after the fun. Bullet requires three AAA batteries.
.


I can assure you that I have purchased from Pure Romance before and their products are affordable and high quality. The Smooth Operator is awesome. It really hits the spot (pun intended) and definitely is one sexy product. Use it solo or incorperate it with your lover..(Fellas...heck..enter the contest for your lady #nohomo.....LOL). Be open minded, put on a little mood music, and have orgasmic fun!




Please visit Alica's Website or contact her for more products or learning how to host your own Pure Romance Party.

Pure Romance by Alicia

aliciahusband@pureromance.com


678-428-8971



To Enter:
•   Leave a comment on my blog  responding to the question:

"What's the #1 song in your current summer Ipod playlist that gets you in the mood? And how do you set the mood?"







Extra Entries:



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*Note: The more entries you’ve submitted, the greater chance you have of winning! All entries must be recieved by August 10, 2010









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I know this blog is going to be HIGHLY competative!  How fune!!!

Good Luck!!!

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